Caffeine withdrawal

Cracks in the wall

It all starts with a nightmare. Yoongi has lived most of his life with the fear of falling asleep and having a nightmare. It sounds normal at first but for Yoongi it's more extreme than most. He remembers that they started soon after his dad had become the extremely harsh man he was. He'd have dreams of his father beating him, killing him even sometimes. They were horrifying and Yoongi hasn't stopped having them since. Of course they had grown fewer as the years went on. Yet every year when it was around that time of year his father was first arrested they'd increase greatly. "It's called the anniversary affect." A therapist would later tell him.

After the first time his mother had taken him to therapy, Yoongi was extremely reluctant not because of the stereotypes of a therapist or anything like that. It was more because he didn't want his thoughts to become a reality. He had spent plenty of years wondering if he had anxiety or depression but never concluded because, self diagnosing is not good. Still, Yoongi went so his mother could maybe find some ease. However, just like he thought, the therapist has quickly figured out that Yoongi was experiencing depression anxiety. A few sessions later Yoongi would finally start talking about what his therapist called episodes and Yoongi learned he was experiencing post traumatic stress disorder, better know as ptsd. It made sense in his head but that didn't mean Yoongi instantly accepted it. Even to this day there are times where Yoongi tells himself that he's over thinking and that he doesn't have these things. It's either that or he's just being an overdramatic idiot who's trying to get attention by saying he has these things. They frustrate him to no end because he can't function like a normal human being.

It's things like that nightmare that make Yoongi remember he has all these things. That he still experiences the anniversary effect. Yoongi doesn't know why but with the  kidnapping and torture done by his father it didn't leave him with more ptsd. He's had plenty of episodes in this past year and it definitely is still hitting him very hard, yet he didn't seem to put the two and two together. Yet for some reason this nightmare and the panic attack he's currently having made him finally realize he's still experiencing it all.

His panic causes his rushed breaths and the tears that stream down his face. His mind is a scrambled mess as everything hits him as hard as it can. His lungs burn with how fast he's breathing yet at the same time they feel crush making hard even almost impossible to breath. Tears continue roll down his as sobs wreck his body. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest, Yoongi thinks it might burst. He can barely hear his rushed breaths because the ringing in his ears is so loud. For a moment he's back there, hand cuffed to the wall and waiting for his father to beat him again. He's so overwhelmed to the point that he screams out of pure desperation. He screams until he runs out of breath which only causes him to breath harder.

Just barely he can hear someone shushing him and holding him tightly. The restriction scares him at first and causes him to struggle but as his mind clears slightly he realizes that it's Taehyung holding him. In his still very panicked state he buries his head into his chest and grabs fistfuls of his shirt. He desperately tries to calm himself but it just makes him feel sick and dizzy. "Deep breaths Yoongi, deep breaths." He could just barely hear Taehyung say. The calm tone grounded Yoongi in his panicked state. Sobs turned in to sniffles and hiccups, his tears slowly drying. "I'm sorry." Yoongi croaks out soon feeling a kiss on his forehead. "I get nightmares about it too." Taehyung tells him and Yoongi wonders how the younger new.

It leaves Yoongi low on energy the next day. Waking up to an empty bed isn't nice either. Yoongi assumes the younger had modeling stuff. Looking down on the ground he sees the reason why he woke up, Holly. He had been barking, probably growing lonely or just needing to be walked. As yoongi reaches down to pick the dog up he can't help but smile at his cuteness. "Good morning Holly." He says, petting him softly. His face is rather close to Holly's, so Yoongi ends up getting a few kisses from him. "Thank you." He mumbles out softly before placing Holly back on the ground and getting himself out of bed. Trudging slowly to the kitchen he watches as Holly trots to his empty water bowl. "You must've been thirsty I guess." Yoongi mumbles more to himself than to Holly as he picks up the bowl and brings it to the sink. Filling it with water and bringing it back to its spot, Yoongi watches happily ask Holly drinks. "You're just too cute, you remind me of Taehyung."

Slowly he gets himself ready for the day before moving back to the couch where his laptop is. First he orders that toy piano for Holly because priorities. Then he goes to look through files making sure everything is good. After that he stands up and puts the laptop in its case before grabbing a jacket, face mask and a hat. He gives Holly goodbye kiss before leaving the apartment. The company had decided he should be driven by a van instead of walking to the building seeing as the recent news surrounding him has made him a walking publicity magnet. As he sees the black he quickly moves into it and sits down. As they drive to the building Yoongi looks out at the streets of Seoul, taking in the almost forgotten scenery.

Entering the building he's instantly lead towards where he'll be doing music video shooting. First he gets his outfit done then makeup. He's kinda glad they just decided to make his hair blond, it worked out well since the blue had completely left his hair. They just had to touch up his roots and bam, the look was complete. Now he's here ready to work on his second debut, maybe only physically though. It goes by fast, like all other music videos he's been through. Just like how they go the same each time, Yoongi also can't help but always think about how ready he is to head home as well. He sighs as they wipe off the makeup from his face. The day had just gone on for too long and Yoongi isn't sure how much longer he can put up this front of being ok.

Eventually they let him go and Yoongi makes his way to the door, not before bumping into someone. "Sorry I didn't mean to." Yoongi says not noticing who it is. When there's no response Yoongi looks up out of curiosity. When he sees Hoseoks face, he feels sick again. "Yoongi." The younger says in a monotone voice. It's strange to hear from Hoseok and it sends chills down the older's spine. "Hi." Yoongi says quietly not sure how he should act. Hoseok nods before walking away, leaving Yoongi to crumble more on the inside. He walks to the door mind blank yet scrambled and hectic at the same time. The trip back home is a blur and he doesn't come back until he's opened the door of his apartment. Kicking off his shoes, Yoongi readies himself for Holly and maybe Taehyung. Yoongi, although he'll never admit it, make him feel like he can break down and cry and be the soft guy he is. He doesn't need his stone cold front anymore.

As he hears the familiar patter of paws against the wood floor Yoongi crouches down to pick Holly up. "Hey my favorite little fluff ball." He says not missing the sound of socked feet moving closer to him. "Hey Yoon." Taehyung says and Yoongi can't help but just fall apart. "Hi." He croaks out tears already threatening to fall. Taehyung moves Yoongi to the couch before putting them into a familiar cuddling position. "I'm sorry baby." The younger says rubbing circles in his lover's back. Yoongi just hides his face in the younger's chest, hoping he can just hide from the world for a while. He needs it or he thinks he might break.
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I've had this book for the most part mapped out and this part conveniently landed in the same time period as my very large break down so it took me a week almost to write a paragraph cause I kept accidentally bringing myself back into a panic attack when I'd write that one part. I'm trying my best guys, I really hope you enjoy this chapter even though it was written in a depressed and cold induced daze.
-kyl