Ange (girlxgirl)

Chapter Five

I get up feeling much better from my cry, but the tears have dried making my face dry and my eyes are sore. I go into my ensuite and splash water onto my face and stare expressionless into the mirror, I know what I have to do.

I put on my jumper and socks and make my way down to Katherine and Dad's room going down the stairs, across the open space in front of the front doors and down the hall that ends in their room. Katherine is laying on her side on the bed, staring across the room and out the crack of curtain. I knock and without waiting for her answer, I slide through the door and lean against the wall, staring at Katherine's back and waiting for her to say something to me. She doesn't.

I clear my throat rather theatrically. "Katherine, I'm sorry." I always say Katherine, never Kath or Kathy. "I know I can be a little fucking shit and you must feel like I do it purposely, doing the opposite of what you say and everything," I hesitate. "And sometimes, I'll admit, I do. Not to hurt you, but to see your reactions, to see how far I can push before something snaps."

Rains starts to fall, the calming tap, tap, tap soothes me at the worst of times so I'm glad for it now, when I feel nervous and unsettled. I watch Katherine, waiting quietly for her to say something even though I'm scared for what she will say, She doesn't say anything.

"I feel so ashamed of how I act towards you, you put up with me and you are kind to me. Mum wouldn't have wanted me to behave this way towards you." Tears come yet again and this time, I can't stop them. They come fast and hot, I feel like they make me look weak. I sink onto the bed and within minutes I'm heaving and Katherine is sitting beside me, lending me her shoulder.

"I'm just so sorry," I stammer through heaves.

"It's ok, It's ok." Katherine is holding me in her arms and rocking me back and forth.

"I miss her so fucking much." I dissolve to tears and raw emotion.

For the next 30 minutes, Katherine sits holding me in her arms, rocking me and whispering things to me. She has never been this intimate with me, mainly because I don't let her get too close to me. Katherine has never seen so many emotions displayed on my face, whenever I'm around her I become distant because I don't want her to pry on how I'm feeling. I shut off all emotions in front of her and as soon as I'm alone or with Emma and Carol I let loose. Katherine had told Dad this and he booked me in to talk to a number of doctors and therapist, they all said that it was the effects of grief and loss and I'll open up to people when I feel comfortable and trust them. So, Katherine took their advice and stayed out of my life, waiting for me to trust her and it has taken until this morning for me to do so, about two and a bit years after she came into my life.