supernatural x reader

Believer (Dean x reader)

WARNING- DO NOT  READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SELF HARM AND SELF HATE!!!

A/n- this is based off of the song believer by Imagine Dragons I do not recommend any of this stuff to anyone. If you have depression or you want to harm yourself please talk to someone. People love you and if you have no one to talk to then talk with me. I love you

I haven't been talking to the Winchester brothers for a couple of days, so when Dean came into my room I was surprised it was him. "Y/n," he said, "is everything okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine," I tried to fake it.
"No," he walked in and sat on my bed, "I don't buy it, so tell me what's wrong."

"I don't want to spill my feelings out to you but I'm gonna say everything. Well, as much as your little man brain could handle," I giggled.
"Well then," he giggled a little too, "get on with it. I'm here for you."
"Okay well, I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been. I can't deal with my dreams, it's like my past is haunting me again. The only reason why I moved away from my family was because of the bad memories and dreams. I couldn't deal with them again. The pain made me stronger, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Most of the time I feel weak, worthless, or just a waste of space."

"Everyone feels like they're a waste of space and useless but they're not. I'm not good with chick flick moments but sometimes you just have to let off anger. You should forget about it. That's how you become a good hunter," Dean tried to explain.
UUUUGGGGGG he pissed me off when he said this. "I'm going to the shooting room." I grabbed my 9 millimeter and made sure it was loaded.
"Okay mind if I go with ya," he asked.
Without missing a beat I said, "No, I wanna go by myself."
"Okay," he said, "bye."

I went down to the shooting room and grabbed my sound blocking headset. I positioned myself and aimed. I shot at the target that was in the shape of a human and shot it straight through the chest where the heart was. UUUUGGGGGGGGG I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!

I positioned myself again and screamed, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed until the rest of the seven bullets hit the target. I threw down my gun and started crying. "Be a good hunter, you can't tell me what to do in order to be a good hunter. I'm the captain of my own sail and the master of my own sea. You know what that means, I can do whatever the hell I want and still be a good hunter. I don't have to do something in order to be a good hunter. It's the type of skill you have that makes you and good hunter. " I went up against the wall then slid down it. Memories of my broken past came rushing back.

I remember writing down my feelings and suicidal thoughts. They all looked at me, they all knew, but they didn't help. I sang to help me calm down or to distract me from my thoughts. My veins sang with me and spelled out a message; a message that no one would read because they ignored it.

They didn't read between the lines nor did they listen. I self taught myself how to deal with it and gave myself advice. I couldn't see my beauty like everyone else did except for the beauty that stayed at school and around friends. The beauty that wouldn't show unless I let it shine through my mask of darkness. The mask of darkness was my pain. The pain I felt everyday I went home or went to bed. The pain I felt not just physically but mentally too. All of it made me believe. Pain made me a believer of luck, love, god, and myself.

I wanted to let the bullets rain at this time. With all the memories that came back, but I contained my composure. I contained it because it's useless to let something rain that can't hurt you more than you already are.

I started to send a prayer to anyone really. I sent a prayer to ask for hope and forgivness. Hope because I needed someone to believe I could make it through my tough times and forgivness because I was never one to like myself. I would hurt myself but not enough to show scars or scratches but enough to where I would get bruises. People would ask me where they came from and I would always say I fell or tripped on something. It was a lame excuse but it helped.

Dean walked into the shooting range and found me on the floor crying. He ran over to me and hugged me, "What's wrong baby girl?"
"You hate me, you said I wasn't and good hunter. How am I not a good hunter?"
"You are a good hunter baby," he rubbed my arm and put his chin on my head, "I didn't know what I was saying."
"But you did," I looked up at him as a tear went down my face, "you did know what you were saying. You said it so serious too and I felt like an idiot."

"I'm so sorry," he started to cry too, "I didn't know baby. I'm the idiot, I'm the one who was stupid enough to actually tell you that. If I could take it back then I would. Please forgive me?"
"I will because I trust you and I love you."
"I love you too," Dean hugged me closer if that was even possible. I love Dean Winchester, now I'm gonna have to learn to love myself.