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Chapter 40

Never in a million years did I think my life would spin so out of control the way it has over the last few weeks. Me cheating caused 10 people their lives. It's hard looking at myself in the mirror. If I knew me betraying my husband would have caused this type of pain, I wouldn't have done it. I kept looking at pictures of Chance wondering, who this man was. When we met, I didn't think he was capable of murder. I never pictured as that type of man. It's been 2 days since Blake told me about King. I still can't believe he's gone. It's all my fault his mom had to find him dead on her couch. That is the most fucked up way to find out about your love one. It'll be less painful if she would have gotten a call saying he was killed. To walk downstairs, see your son dead on your couch is the most painful way you can find out. I had so much guilt in my heart, I didn't know what to do. I still haven't heard from Chance. I completely stopped calling him after finding out about King. I spent yesterday in bed crying mostly. I didn't answer the phone for nobody. My mom and Blake had been calling all day. I just couldn't deal with being bothered. Especially knowing, one of them told Chance about the kiss. They were the only 2 that knew about it. Being in the house seeing pictures of Chance and smelling his cologne was driving me crazy. Knowing the man I love and planned on spending my life with is a murderer, I can't stomach that idea. I got out of bed, found some clothes, and started getting ready. I needed to get out this house for my sanity. I was getting ready when I heard something downstairs. I immediately grabbed my gun and slowly proceeded to go downstairs. I peeked, and it was Chance.

Where you been, I been calling you. I just needed to get away from everything and clear my head. I'm sorry for not answering the phone or letting you know I was ok. I needed to be to myself and regroup. I'm hurt, angry, lost, and broken. I lost my sister, my best friend, the only person besides you that I have in my corner. That's a hard pill to swallow, Chance said. I felt myself wanting to hurt others just because im hurting. I wanted to cause as much destruction I possibly could just so people could see how their actions affect others. Somebody took my sister's life for whatever reason. Now, I have to live without my baby sister. I've always protected her, always was there whenever she needed me; I was her father figure for so many years. How do I supposed to go on knowing I don't have her no more? I really felt Chance's pain right now, but I can't ignore the fact he's the X killer. That's something that will continue to linger in the back of my mind. While I was clearing my mind, I was doing some thinking. I want to come clean about something, Chance said. What? I've been keep a secret from you for some time now. I didn't feel right blaming you for our issues and you not telling me everything you should have told me. It's something ive should have told you a long time ago, I was just afraid to tell you. Tell me what? I know you was pregnant by Aiden. What? Yeah, I know you got an abortion and didn't have a miscarriage like you told me. How you figure? Kaydence, I can't have kids. I've known this since I was in high school. What are you talking about?

When I was in high school, I played football and I was an UFC fighter. I got hit pretty hard down there a few times. The doctors told me with the amount of damage that has been down to "him", my chances of reproducing was kind of slim. With me being a UFC fighter, I was taking certain vitamins that wasn't too healthy for the body. Doctors were concerned that if I was to have a child, he or she wouldn't be completely healthy. They recommended that I thought about getting Vasectomy. At first I didn't think it was a good idea, because I was young. I knew eventually I would want kids. My grandma thought I should look into getting it. She didn't want me to have child and something serious was wrong with the child. It would have been selfish on my part to have a child knowing something could be wrong with him or her because of the lifestyle I was living. I thought about it for maybe 2 months. A girl I was dating my first college year got pregnant. We were excited about having a child. At the time, she didn't know about my health issues if that's what you want to call it. She was 13 weeks when we found out. She was bleeding a lot and doctor said it wasn't normally for how far along she was. They checked the baby, he or she seemed fine. The continuous bleeding was concerning us. I told her maybe going through with the pregnancies wasn't the best idea. She agreed, so we terminated it. After that, that's when I got the Vasectomy. I didn't want to risk having a maldeveloped child. So, that's how I knew you weren't pregnant by me.