C H A P T E R F I F T E E N
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song of the chapter
~How Could You Forget by Trey Songz~
"Cause every time I'm calling, you decline me babe
Oh, you ain't gotta tell me I know
We'll never be the same as before
But I can only tell you how I feel right now, I'm missing how you feel right now
...
Clock stop ticking, guess I ran out of minutes
I can hear your heart, is it saying that we've finished?"
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Justin's POV:
I had a blunt in one hand, and a pencil in the other. All night, I had been writing. Well, for the past few days actually; just to get my mind off things.
Because I had lost my journal a while ago, I settled for scratch pieces of paper. I always write down the ideas that pop into my head as soon as I can because I tend to forget.
I wish memories were as easy to forget as song verses.
I raised the joint to my lips, inhaling. As the smoke filled my lungs, the thoughts filled my mind.
Her eyes, her smile, the way her eyes light up when she smiles. Her voice, her words, her 'I love you's'. Her smell, her presence, her everything.
That's my first love, you know? You can't just forget that.
Trust me, I've tried.
I still remember the exact moment I realized I was in love with her.
*flashback*
The aroma in the jet was tense, even though it was just me, Selena, and the pilot aboard. And it only got worse as the plane began jerking up and down. Frantically, Selena swung her head around to me with a look of worry in her eyes. No matter how many times she flies in a plane, she'll never get used to turbulence.
She had her mouth slightly parted, her hair tossed up in a messy bun with no makeup, and my dirty 'Young and Reckless' sweatshirt draped over her shoulders, yet she looked perfect.
I kept the side window open on purpose because every time she looked at me, the sun would hit her eyes perfectly, making them appear amber colored. With all the shaking and bumpiness, you'd think I'd be at least a little nervous, but she was really the only thing I heard, saw, and felt.
Every time I looked at her it was like I was seeing her for the first time. Everything always seems to go black, yet she is in screaming color.
"Justin," She gasped my wrist as the plane took a sudden drop, making her whimper in fear.
"Hey," I loosened my seatbelt. "It's fine, we're okay," I held the back of her head in my hands and brought her into my arms.
My hands ran up and down her back in an attempt to comfort her. "Please fasten your seatbelts if they aren't already, we are experiencing some turbulence." The speakers sounded.
It was so real, but it felt like a movie.
Something just clicked; I was 30,000 feet in the air and I had no fear.
It was in that moment that I realized if I had to die in a second's notice, I'd be okay. I was so full of love, and I really couldn't imagine being any happier. She was my everything. As long as she was in my arms, I would be okay.
*end of flashback*
I stared at the joint in my hand, praying it would take me as high as 30,000 feet.
Although, I know nothing but her could ever make me feel that way.
I scribbled a few words down on the page, and read back what I had written so far.
'Lonely overseas, only memories
People come and go, baby, they don't know
What we had before, but it all broke before our eyes'
I shook my head, exhaling the smoke and erasing the last few words.
In an attempt to think of something, I repeatedly tapped the eraser against my notepad. "Shit," I mumbled.
I finally replaced'but it all broke before our eyes' with 'but it fell before our eyes'.
I hummed the melody in my head a few times before I picked up my phone and texted Selena.
She was the inspiration, after all. I just wanted to talk to her, honestly.
justin: Hey babe u up?
- read 11:32 pm
justin: Im in texas rn and tomorrow
- read 11:36 pm
justin: Sel
- read 11:37 pm
justin: ??
- delivered
Right then, I got a text, but it wasn't from who I was hoping.
james boyd: Hey Justin, checking in on you cause I noticed you been a little down lately... I been there. When you lose that one girl it don't matter if you 18 or 81 it's gon hurt for the rest of your life just remember to love yourself cause in this world that's the realist love you gon get. Love you man. Keep killing the game you earning mad respect.
I smiled at the text, it was what I needed to hear, but something I knew I could never achieve.
Nowadays everything seems to correlate to Selena, but half the time the reason I think I'm not good enough is that of her. I come up short because I know there are times when she doesn't think she's good enough. And God, I hate myself for kissing that fucking model. I hate myself for it because I did it out of anger and sadness and hurt. I did it to fix my own problems, yet the problem was that it wasn't her fault and yet I made her feel like it was.
I am too immature to take responsibility for myself and my actions, and I know that. Millions upon millions of people look up to me, so I try to be a good role model, but the industry pushes me in the direction of the bad boy reputation, which is the easier route to take, but the wrong one. Either way, I am admired for being someone who I am not.
To be honest, I don't even know who I am, I lost my identity in all the fame. I was so focused on being who everyone else wanted me to be that I lost not only myself, but the only person in my life that ever got to see and love the real me.
We might be on good terms, but it's not the same as it used to be. Nothing used to matter, it was just us against the world, and now that's gone. And it's all my fault. It might not have been my choice, but God gave me a test, and I fucked it up. I fucked up big time. I'm a fuck up and that's all I'll ever be.
I was never good enough, but she made me feel like I was.
justin: U supposed to be my getaway from this fuckshit...
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a/n: probably one of my fav chapters<3
