If It's What You Want A Harry Styles Fanfiction || h. s.

Chapter 65

 When she came out, she was dressed in a simple navy button up blouse and dark brown skinny jeans. Light touches of makeup gave her face some color and her hair was almost dry.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"Somewhat."

"I apologize if your experience in the shower was not what you expected."

"No, no. Don't say that. It was perfect, just what I needed. I think I forgot to say thank you, so thank you," she said kissing him.

"You're welcome," he said smiling. You want to sit inside or out?"

"Let's sit on the balcony if that's okay with you."

Harry placed everything on a tray and followed her through the open sliding glass door. She pulled the small table between the chairs so that he could place the tray there. He motioned for her to have a seat while he poured their tea then took a seat across from her.

"Should I talk or would you prefer to start?" he asked.

"Maybe I should begin."

"Alright."

"I can't count the number of times I've felt the need to apologize for one thing or another since I met you."

"No worries."

"Yes, it is worrisome. You don't understand what a bad pattern this is. My mother is the queen of apologizing afterward. I don't want to be like her. I want to stop and think before I react. I want to be able to consider the outcomes before I say or do something I end up regretting or needing to be sorry for."

"We all do, sweetheart."

"I really need you to hear what I am saying to you. This is not typical. Even after several years of therapy, I fall back on old behaviors based primarily on the destructive relationship I had with my mother."

"Alright, I'm listening."

"I sometimes believe my mother would have sold me for another hit of whatever drug of choice if I had not been the source of her income. My whole life was spent in a kind of suspension, this waiting for something to happen. I could sometimes catch a glimmer of hope for normalcy and at others I wished for the darkness to engulf me and put an end to my circumstances."

"Ashley," he said reaching for her hand. She allowed him to thread his fingers through hers.

"My aunt and uncle are all that kept me from becoming just like her."

"I do not believe that Ashley. There is far more to you than the influence of other people."

"Thank you. Please understand, they were the only stabilizing influence I had. Just when I would get settled, she would show up and take me off again, but I would hold onto every moment in my mind to sustain me until I could be with them again."

"They are amazing people."

"Yes. When my mother would pick me up, she would be full of promises that things would all be different. Sometimes, she would just have gotten out of rehab. We'd have several good days before she'd cross paths with another junkie or a dealer and everything would unravel again."

"Ashley, were you abused?"

"You mean physically?"

"Yes."

"Aside from a handful of times she smacked me for one thing or another, no. The abuse was all psychological and emotional. She was a master manipulator and I was so desperate to believe what she said that I would ignore that warning voice telling me not to get pulled in."