The Office Curve

When Maids Attack

You know how in those princess fairytale type thing-a-ma-jigs, there's that scene where this flurry of ladies-in-waiting gang up on the her with their puffy maid outfits and jaw-aching smiles, dressing her in one outfit after another until magically, fanfare and all, she emerges from that craziness drop dead gorgeous, ready to kick some ass and embarrass stepsisters in the process.

What, you don't?  Oh come on, you have, I mean Disney ensures their continued livelihood with those scenes.

Well, there are no ballgowns and petticoats to be found for miles, but the maids are still here, sun-kissed with a hint of hospitable aggression. I don't know where I am and I don't know where they begin and where I end as a flurry of ripped up, jagged fibers that once made up my clothing float up into the air and then down onto the ground.  

I'm used to Kaim doing this sort of thing - in fact, I'm guilty of cheering him on.  But in that circle of sun-kissed, customer-oriented destruction, I felt quite violated and exposed.  I don't know how those Disney Princesses do it.

I also don't know how many outfits they put me through.  Not put on, no, I really do mean put me through.  It all happened so fast.  They'd throw a dress on, then there'd be this furious debate in Thai, tones rising and falling in the most direct way possible.  I didn't understand a word they were saying, but the way they were having at it, I'm surprised that no one swiped at each other, or even worse, threw a chair.  When they couldn't all agree, the dress would be pulled right off, another one would take its place, and the process would start all over again.

I don't know how these supermodels do it.  Oh wait, yes I do.  It's all for those truckloads of money.

The outfits just kept coming and coming until finally, they all came to consensus on one particular dress.  The grunts and growls gave way to oohs and aahs, their smiles so wide their jaws could sever at any moment.  Before I had a chance to even look at the dress they picked for me (I am the one wearing it, I think I should have a say in the matter!), they threw it off, put a robe on me, and rushed out of the room.  And before I could even lament about how they left me all alone half naked in need of clothing, another team of sun-kissed come rushing in and rush me out to god knows where to do god knows what.

"Wait a minute!" I cried out, trying to wrestle out of their grip.  "What the hell is going on?!  Don't kidnap me, my family has no money!"

It was the only thing I could think of to say - not that it mattered.

Seriously, I am no good with crowds of female trying make me over!

Before I knew it, I was naked all over again in some kind of spa, subjected to all sorts of horrifying beautifying treatment.  The ladies looked unassuming and delicate, but man, that grip, though!  I didn't bother trying to fight it and I didn't bother trying to flee and they steamed, buffed, polished, wrapped, and massaged my body into softened and relaxed submission.

It was awful...just awful.

But not really.

When they next group of women came to whisk me away,  I let them.  I was too relaxed to pay any mind to primping and crimping of this group.  I was too busying marveling at how soft my skin felt and how I felt a few inches smaller as they tossed my hair, filed my nails, and looked over shades of lipstick.  I figured I would never have an opportunity to be this pampered ever again, so I would just enjoy it.  Besides, Kaim must have something amazing planned if he's putting me through all this.

He better be.

The ladies whisked me away for a final time and held nothing back as they dressed me from head-to-toe in a flurry of rising tones, animalistic grunts, and my own fearful whimpering.  Once the dust cleared, the maids were all lined up in two neat little rows leading to a lone mirror in the center of the room.  My eyes darted over, desperate to take in the fruits of their labors after being denied even a peek for so long.  Never mind that I had no idea of what I would see once I got there.

She stood before me, look as bewildered and as amazed as I felt.  A stranger in the mirror, she reminded me so much of me, and yet she couldn't be.  With her newly molded curves swatch in black venezia satin, she looked like she just stepped off the runway knowing full well that she brought the house down.  The higher hem of her dress show off smooth, sexy legs brushing against beige silk (is that dress reversible then?), and pedicured feet wrapped in designer shoes that cost as much as my monthly rent does.  Her hair, even pulled back in an elegant ponytail, had a little va-va-va-voom.

That stranger in the mirror...she wasn't me.  And yet she was, a bombshell that threatened to shatter that mirror into pieces.  

This isn't the first time I failed to recognize myself in the mirror.  But somehow, I can't help but feel like I'm changing more and more everyday.  And it's because of Kaim's love for me.

So, so happy.

"It appears the ladies have weaved their magic upon you."  I turned around to see Adrian standing in front of the door way, a knowing smile on his face.  He looked just as pleased with himself as his workers did, though they were much more forthcoming in signing their own praises.  "Our ladies here are the best when it comes to makeovers, aren't they?"

"Ah, yeah, definitely.  Although..."  I body ached on cue.  "A little gentleness goes a long away."

"Oh, you don't have to tell me.  I get a massage from them every week - and I make sure that I have no appointments or engagement as I recover from it.  But it's worth every ache and pain."  He walked over to me, offering his arm.  "Now, come on, your fella is waiting for you.  I'm sure he'll be as sore as you are after he picks his draw up from off the floor."

The ladies waved us goodbye as we left the secret makeover bungalow of doom (yes, I just made that up).  As we walked closer to the limo waiting out front, my heart fluttered faster and faster.  For all that pulling and pushing, those ladies did make me feel beautiful.  Just like the Lady Anympha's troupe of bubbly dressers at the wedding fair fashion show, although they weren't nearly as violent as the sun-kissed maids were...

Wow...isn't it funny how things change.  Back then, we were only pretending to get married in order to sell gowns and all sorts of other services.

And now...now we actually were.  We were getting married.  It would probably be a while - even if my relationship with my mother and sister were pretty rocky, I wouldn't intrude of their respective plans - it was going to happen.  The next time we would put on rings, it would be for real, not because a commanding wedding stylist told us to.  I would be with the man I loved, and I would have an awesome mother-in-law would loved me just as much.

Zara Mercier-Harris. Definitely much better.  I want that monogrammed somewhere!

Tears welled in my eyes.  Now, I was the one smiling so hard, my jaw threatened to snap.  But then I thought better of it because I didn't need anything else to be sore.

The sun had just begun to set as we pulled up to our villa after what seemed like a very long time.  Even through the tinted glass, I could see Kaim standing in front, waiting for my return. When the limo driver came round to let me out, I could feel the world slow down.  It was like we were at the wedding expo again, and the assistants made way for Kaim to see me in that wedding dress.

But it's different now.  It's different because it's real.  And it will be forever.