Finding Christ

Depression

I've struggled on and off with depression since 6th grade. 

I was 12 years old when that dark friend crept into my life,
I self harmed for the first time at age 13.

I struggled for a full 3 years of constant heaviness, but in 9th grade when I made good friends... the weight began to lift. 

I learned how to cope, I learned how to be grateful.

While my depression got better, my anxiety increased (that's okay... we'll talk about that a different time).

That weight has been lowering back down on me recently and in all honesty, I was clean of self harm for 7 months until last night.

I am ashamed.

I want to cry but I can't.

I am numb. 

All I've been doing today is my devotions and praying.

Last night a situation occurred that pushed my world over on it's side. I'm not going to go into detail but it lead me to question a lot of my opinions.

At first, I was bitter.

I was angry at God. 

But then the anger turned around to myself (and rightfully so in a manner) as I had brought this upon myself, not the depression - but the way I was handling it. 

I've gotten through this before.... I can do it again.

I'm learning, like actually learning this for myself for the first time in my life that I can't lean on myself.
I've been depending on myself for far too long when I should be leaning on God. 

Proverbs 3:5 - 
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding."

I want to live and thrive, but I have been (and sometimes am) suicidal.
I am so, so, so much better than I was 2 years ago, but the thought still hits me on occasion.

This time around I actually do have regard for my life. 

In the moment we often forget that our problems will be solved (but not necessarily how we want it to), life will go on.

God has a plan for each and every one of our individual lives. 

Suicide is not the answer, I promise.

Temporary solution to a temporary problem, they say.... and it's true.
Suicide wrecks the lives of those we leave behind regardless of if we believe it to be true. 

My writing isn't great today and I'm sorry for that.
I'm trying.

Yes, I am depressed.

But also, yes, I am God's child.

Yes, I'm grateful to be alive. 

Psalm 119:176 -
"I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands."

Galatians 6:9 - 
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

(Read all of Psalm 69, it's a really poetic chapter. Most of it is him crying out to God in desperation, but in verse 13 his attitude changes).

2 Corinthians 12:9 - 
"But He said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness'."

Philippians 4:4-
"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice!"

Whenever you feel depressed, sad, lonely or suicidal, you can always open the word of God for restoration. If you want to talk to someone, text a friend (also my inbox is always open if you want help or just someone to talk to). 

You can do it, I promise.