Take My Picture

Chapter five

The next week and a bit were pretty average, to say the least. Dancing was intense as we've been doing conditioning as well as everything else; which is pretty pointless for me as my last class was this week. School was fine. Most people just avoided me, I think they thought that if they said one wrong thing I'd light them on fire. Which is ridiculous, but I'm not gonna complain because for some unknown reason Brinley stuck around, and I was incredibly grateful for that at the moment.

Although things did get a little weird with Aggie, she's scared of me now. She will never admit that, but I can tell that she is. It was Tuesday, a week and 4 days later, when I realised that something was off. I was in such a good mood, I had so much energy for the first time after the video went around. You see I was feeling pretty terrible after the video got out, I had no energy, no care for dance, no care for taking photos or editing photos; I didn't even leave my bed the weekend after it happened. I just couldn't seem to get enough energy to care, or stay awake longer than 2 hours. Anyway, on Tuesday a week and a bit after the video, I was in such a good mood and I went to see Aggie about joining the track team again, you know so she could help me with some general stuff like she said?

Well, I walked into her room and dropped down on her bed laying on her, so I would pull her full attention away from her school books, and asked her to 'teach me to run' in a joking manner with a huge smile. It didn't exactly go as planned. She shrugged me off her and backed away from while telling me that she doesn't think I should join the team because 'it would be for the wrong reasons'.

I don't know why but it made me mad when she said that, like the kind of mad that I got about those stupid joking comments that Taylor said to me the day we blew up at each other. Like normally I wouldn't be affected by that, not like this anyway. You could probably guess but with all that energy that I had, there were a few other minor incidents the contributed to me getting madder and madder through the afternoon. Seriously, they were so minor. One was that Holly, the youngest, bumped into me when she ran around the corner. Another was that Zia, who's 11, asked me to braid her hair. So you could probably understand my growing frustration with the fact that these occurrences where making me mad, and the growing confusion this caused.

I locked myself in my room not long after because Tahlia was at a friends place for dinner tonight. While she isn't here, our room is the best place to be alone in a house full of girls. With a deep sigh, I drop down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling light above my bed. It doesn't take long for spots to form in my view from the light.

Closing my eyes I take in a deep breath and will myself to calm down. I can't stop. My mind is racing, I can't sit still, I just feel like I have to do something. In the hope of calming myself down, or at least using some energy, I get up and put my pointe shoes on and start to warm up. There is enough space in the room for me to do some very simple stuff. Basically, I just practice going up on relevé in a bunch of different positions. Doing something physical allowed my mind to stop racing long enough for me to decipher what was going on in my head. Well, sort of.

I am losing control again. I don't know what's going on. I have absolutely no control over anything anymore. I can't control these crazy mood swings that don't make any sense, I can't control that I am no longer on the dance team, because I can't control my anger I lost control over where my foster placements are, I couldn't control what happened with the video, and now I can't even keep control of my friendships. Aggie was the only consistent friend I have had for a long time, and now she's scared of me and I had no control over her view of me, because of that stupid video that was captured because I lost control of my anger. Do you see the stupid circles this is going in? I'm so fucking stupid.

My good mood is slowly disintegrating, but this fucking energy is going nowhere. My mind is still running like crazy.

Before I knew it, I was being called down to help Elise with cooking dinner which is my chore because I kinda liked helping her make dinner. Sitting down on the floor I untie my pointe shoes and pull them off. Looking down at my feet, I realise I was probably on pointe for too long as my toes are bleeding in most of the usual places but a couple of new spots as well. I quickly wash my feet in the bath, dry them and put on some socks to hide the damage. At least now I will have a way to use a tiny bit of this energy that won't destroy my feet.