Take My Picture

Chapter sixteen

Taking in Aggie's words from the hospital was relatively easy. It was acting on them that was the hard part. I wanted so bad to talk to Demi, to apologise and let her be there for me, but I am also stubborn and for me to admit I was wrong, it's probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I wanted to just ignore it all and go back to how it was before she told me about her thoughts on my mental state.

That, however, was never going to happen. Which is why I have been sitting on the tyre swing in the backyard for over an hour with my phone in my hand trying to work up the courage to call Demi.

We got back from the hospital just before dinner and right after I ate was when I relocated to my current position. I don't spend much time outside anymore, but I used to basically live on this swing. Aggie and I had made it with one of the older girls when we were about 10 and 11, we spent so much time out here sharing secret thoughts and stolen candy. I couldn't help but think back to the time we tried to build a treehouse in the tree the swing was hanging from. Jordan made the ladder for us. He just hammered three small pieces of wood to the trunk so that we could climb and reach the admittedly low divide in the trunk. The treehouse failed because we couldn't work out how to get the 'floor' to stay, and once we got called in for dinner, we completely lost interest.

I looked up and saw the broken swinging seat on the back porch and a new memory flooded my mind. Aggie had found me sitting on the seat out the back. I had left school and ran all the way home, although Jordan and Elise weren't home so I couldn't get in so I just sat on the swing and slowly rocked, watching my feet move. When Aggie had come to sit down next to me I was so shocked and worried. What if she got in trouble because she ditched school to follow me? You see I had had a bad day and I just wanted to leave. It was my first day at the same school as Aggie, I was 12, and I tried to swallow the feelings of irritability and fear, but I had one mean teacher and I couldn't anymore. So I just left. Aggie has told me all the jokes the school had about that teacher until I felt better, and then we climbed in the house through an unlocked window and ate ice cream while watching tv.

I was stalling, I still hadn't called Demi and I guess I was subconsciously bringing up all these childhood memories so that if I did finally get the balls to call Demi, she wouldn't answer because she would be asleep or something. I looked down at the phone in my hand, I was already on the phone app and Demi's name was still at the top of my recent calls. I held my finger over her name for the longest time. I can't do it.

Just at that moment, I started to fall backwards. With so much attention on my phone I forgot that if I didn't hold on, I would fall backwards. Well nearly, I managed to catch myself just in time. In this moment of near death though, I had accidentally called Demi. I was about to hang up but I realised that if I did she would have a missed call from me and she'll call me a heap until she got me to answer. So I held the phone up to my ear and waited for her to answer.

With every time the phone rang, my reason for calling became less clear. As my apologetic state diminished, the anger within me was growing.

When the phone rang out and I got Demi's voice mail I was going to just hang up, but I was just so mad, so I lashed out.

"Fuck you! I never want to talk to you ever again. Don't call me." I left a rather harsh voicemail considering that I wasn't really mad at her, I was mad at myself. But the more I think about it, I don't think I was even mad at all. Just hurt and sad.

I quickly got off the swing and rushed inside and up to my room. I flopped down on my bed and sighed. I just stared up at the ceiling. Do you ever lay really still and try and catch yourself with a blank mind? Because that's what I did. I tried to empty my mind and catch myself not thinking about anything. Usually, I can empty my mind pretty well, it helps me to calm down sometimes. But for some reason, I just couldn't do it and the frustration got to me. I grabbed my pillow, pushed it onto my face and screamed. I just screamed until I couldn't because I had no breath left.