Swapped

Book 2 Chapter 21

Khalil

She was standing on the ledge looking over and my heart dropped when she looked back at me. I tried talking her down. “Please I’m sorry I was wrong Tee Tee don’t do it” I begged. I knew I wasn’t getting through to her though. I knew that she couldn’t hear me. She was in pain and it was my fault. I was trying to look cool trying to be known, relevant at her expense. She was a good girl, no name, no reputation. I used her, I lied to her and made her feel like she was more to me then she was. I told her I loved her and when she believed me I took advantage of the situation by recording her in the process of performing oral sex. Then I sent the video to one of my boys who done what I knew he would do, he put her on display for the whole school. Then when she confronted me in front of everyone I told her our relationship was all in her head. Now she stood there on the ledge of our six story building looking completely broken. I don’t know why I played with her like I done especially after she opened up to me and told me how she loved me and why she never let people get to close. She didn’t go into too much detail but I felt like maybe she had a messed up home life. “Tee Tee please get down” I begged and this time she did look back at me and for a second her face softened and I thought Id got through to her but no she spread her arms like a bird spread its wings and just like that she jumped. “No” I screamed and lurched forward reaching for her but it was too late she fell six stories down and landed on the hard cement surface below. Right before she smacked the ground my alarm went off waking me as it always did from the nightmare that was my life. I jumped awake, breathing erratically, in a cold sweat. My roommate threw a pillow at me and cursed me as he rolled over. I had this nightmare often. Even though it had happened four years ago, even though Id left my home town she haunted me in my dreams. I lay back against my pillow remembering the sound of the ambulance and the screams from her mother. I remembered the pounding at the door when her three cousins came to call because they found her suicide note. I always wanted to read that note but I don’t know why probably because I liked torturing myself. Being happy when you know you are the reason that someone else chose not to live is unbearable. I walked around smiling pretending that I was okay but inside I hated myself. I was Khalil Richards one of the most popular high school kids at my school then. The star of the basketball team so it seemed l would have been used as an example publicly humiliated but I wasn’t. The world was unjust people treated me like I was the victim. They stood up for me and rallied for me. They made her into one of those girls that done whatever with anyone and couldn’t handle being exposed. I said nothing either I stood by and watched the injustice take place. I took my scholarship and I left town thinking I could leave everything behind me, but Tee Tee would not let me. She was always there staring at me with those eyes whispering to me in the night so that she would not be forgotten. I could hear her voice in my head saying “Khalil one day I’m leaving all this behind and I’m going somewhere where nobody knows me and I’m going to start all over” I remember reaching for her. She always smelled like warm vanilla and I said “Why do you want to leave Tee Tee and what about us” What about us? Why did I ask her that I thought to myself? To make her feel like I cared, like there was a us, knowing that there wasn’t. She was a sweet girl, but she wasn’t that girl. Still I told her I loved her and now that I think back I could tell she was broken even then. She wanted to run from something. How come I didn’t care then about her feelings, maybe it was because that was not how I was raised. My father was a ladies man. He always had several women including my mother. We all lived together at one point until mom got tired of the beatings and the disrespect. She had packed our things to leave but my father had demanded “You can leave bitch but my son not going anywhere!” She had yelled fine and walked out leaving me there. I didn’t care I always favored my Dad because although he was a terrible boyfriend and husband he was an awesome dad. He had come to the door with his gun cocked the day Tee Tees cousins came knocking “Back up Nigga's yall not touching my boy” he had said to Tee Tee’s cousins. They had backed up threatening “Maybe not today but if you think that he going to just get away with what he done to Tee Tee you got another thing coming” My father knew that was a serious threat so he shipped me off right after that to stay with his brother. That was the worst thing he could have done. His brother Eric had three daughters and the whole family attended church every Sunday. By the time I left there I had developed a real heart and my remorse was unreal. I kept thinking how I would of felt if someone had done to my little cousins what I had done to Tee Tee?  Here I was now in college trying to pretend it did not count, but my aunt had made sure that I knew I was accountable. I got up and put on some jeans I couldn’t sleep so I decided to go for a run. I’m not sure what it is about me that made people feel like I was privileged or entitled. I would have felt better if my father would have allowed me to get the holy hell beat out of me. My aunt made sure I knew the wicked would not inherit the Kingdom of God that the world may forgive me but God sees and knows all. I really had in a sense been a new aged technology bully and I didn’t get any punishment. My actions were morally but not criminally wrong, because of that I lived my life like nothing happened while Tee Tee was six foot under. I ran hard letting the wind burn my nostrils and the cold air cut into me. Somehow it was the only thing that made me feel free. 

I didn’t understand the girls. They didn’t care if you used them or disrespected them as long as you had a lead position on some team or fraternity. I pledged of course it was expected of me. I went along with my frat brothers pretending that I was cool with everything, but I found that now I had trouble connecting with people. Women made me angry for not wanting more for not demanding more. There was this one kid though they called him Rock. He kept his head shaved bald and it was shaped kind of funny, reminded you of a rock. He was cool though, he always stopped to talk to me. He was very athletic but he seemed out of place in the group. Like he was more mature then the rest of us although he was an idiot at times, for example when he was crashing beer cans against his head. He was out running to that morning and he waved me over. “Sup” I said as we tapped our fist together.

“Man my girl mad at me about the other night, not taking my calls. I think she might be pregnant and she won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do, really” He sounded so distressed. I was not the one to give advice on the ladies. “What happened the other night” I asked?

“Man them fools done put a measly three hundred dollars on the table and the ratchet came out, man! Let me tell you they showed out trying to get that money.” He shook his head disapprovingly “If someone recorded it and sent it to their mama’s they’d be looking stupid.” He exclaimed. He had no idea who I was or what I had done. I often wondered why they didn’t call him preacher boy instead. He meant well but dude could be a buzz kill for real.

“So why she mad at you” I asked. He through his hands up in the air.

“Man I’m minding my own business over there sipping and she walked up to me and through that thang back. Some fine ass chick. What was I to do? My girl done walked up and saw her and now she mad” He shrugged his shoulders. “Why did I decide to get all serious with a girl in college its mad temptation out here you feel me?” I laughed because I did feel him. Although I wasn’t looking for the party girls. The Tee Tee situation changed me I could smash a different girl every night but I chose not to because I wasn’t about playing with people feelings anymore. The next girl I said I love you to was going to be my wife. I wasn’t in a hurry to meet her either I had issues I needed to work out. Truth be told I had a slight issue with cocaine. I started snorting it to numb the pain I was feeling inside and usually it worked. On occasion I might experiment with a few other things, but nothing too hard.

“What chew gonna do man” I asked him as I leaned over still trying to catch my breath resting my hands on my knees. He rubbed his head contemplating.

“Wait and see if she pregnant. If she is I’m going to marry her." I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“That’s a big move Rock” I stood straight up staring at him.

“Well I love her she met my family I met hers. We both graduate in another year. It seems like the thing to do.” He sounded firm when he said it like he was trying to convince someone.

“Okay well good luck’ I said laughing. He looked at me with this serious look that I didn’t see unless he was about to give one of his lectures.

“Khalil you uh think you could be my best man” he asked?

“Wow, hell yeah dude I’d be honored” We bumped our chest together and gave each other a quick brotherly hug. ‘Wow that’s alright” I said “that’s alright"