Swapped

Chapter 37

Natasha

“You have a visitor Natasha” the nurse came in all cheery bouncing around and shit. I was not trying to hear her. She was always happy and it was nauseating. “Would you like for me to help you with your hair” she asked?

“get out my face your breathe stank!” I said rudely to her. She didn’t even get offended she blew her breath in her hand and said

“My it is a little tart” she reached in her pocket and pulled out a mint. “You’re going to regret not letting me help you with your hair.” She said holding a brush. I glared at her so she sat it on the table saying “suit yourself” a few minutes later I heard my door push open and then I looked and there he was. Handsome as ever, he had on khaki pants and a beige shirt. He had a low cut fade. He wore a gold cross around his neck a simple gold watch. Jesus he was fine. I unconsciously combed my fingers through my matted hair. I looked like a train wreck.

“Hi Natasha” he said sweetly. I wanted to run to him and throw my arms around him and say I love you, I mad a huge mistake, but she wouldn’t let me. Tee Tee stood in the corner glaring at me with her red eyes of fire and sweet Pea stood close behind her smacking his mouth.

“Hi” I said simply “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay” Did he just say that to me? My legs got weak and before I knew it I was on the floor in a heap with my face buried in my hands. This man  was to much after the unforgivable act that I had participated in he came here to see if I was okay. He was beside me helping me in a chair. He held my hands and I could not bring myself to look him in the eye. He grabbed my chin “look at me Natasha I need you to know that I’m sorry for taking Tee Tee away from you I am and I don’t care what the word thinks of me but I need you to know that I’m sorry” he said. I shook my head wildly at him.

“Khalil stop it! You don’t owe me an apology I owe you one. I should have never done that to you and I’m sorry I felt like I had to and I don’t expect you to understand that but please know that it was not one thing that put Tee Tee on that ledge. It was a combination of several different things. Khalil” I looked at him because he deserved the truth “Khalil Tee Tee was being molested by her stepfather, Khalil I knew she told me but I never said anything. It was not all your fault it was mine too.” I waited for him to take everything in and and to give me that repulsive look that my family gave me. Khalil didn’t though he just said “We make mistakes Natasha we all do we are human. Some of them change us forever. I’m sorry you are experiencing this pain.” Man had I screwed up if hindsight was twenty twenty.

“I hear them talking to me in my head. The voices wont go away I can’t escape them. I know I sound crazy but I see her everywhere, I hear her its like she is haunting me” I said holding onto his hands desperately wanting him to believe me.

“Natasha I see Tee Tee to every time a female looks at me like you, every time I sell a certain scent. She still in my dreams. I see her or feel her watching from a distance. I don’t try to push her away I talk to her. When I see a mother with kids broke down on the side of the road I say should we help Tee Tee, when I see kids bullying another kid I look at her and say shall we. She not going to leave me ever and I need that now because it makes me better. I don’t think I deserve happiness but I pray every night and I feel like if I’m obedient maybe God will see fit to give me some anyway. Stop punishing yourself. You were a kid like she was that was a lot of weight to carry Natasha” I was bent over now crying hard, shaking the nurse came in.

“Looks like someone needs a little something to calm down” she said

“She’s fine” Khalil said calmly

“I’m fine!” I found myself yelling at her for attempting to take this moment. The medication they gave me had me feeling like a zombie and I need to hear his words. I wanted to feel his touch. I looked past him and I noticed she was gone. At least the Tee Tee that haunted me was replaced by those soft caring eyes that I once was so familiar with. “Why is she different for you. My Tee Tee has menacing eyes and she always glares at me.” I knew I sounded crazy but sweet Khalil said

“It’s because we are in different places healing wise. She to look at me with hatred too but I grew so my pain did too. She grew with me and I don’t think that Tee Tee would want me to suffer like this I think she would want to be remembered and I carry her I wont ever forget her.” I patted his hand. He was good. Khalil was good. I wanted to see that. I had often thought about just killing myself but I stopped because I didn’t want him to ever feel like he played a part in my decision. I just could not do that to him. He stayed with me for a while and he prayed for me before he left. I watched him from the window as he walked away. He looked back at me and waved then he got in his car and drove away.  I played our conversation over and over in my head and I decided I needed to pull myself together. My family had chose to cut me off. My mother had died a few years back in a car accident so it was just me and my lil brother Trey and he had caught a charge for murder so he was as good as dead. My Aunties would not allow me to see my grandmother who was the only person that cared for me. I had no’ one well maybe one person. I picked the phone up and called the only number I had memorized. “hello”

“Trinity?” I said.

“Natasha? Is this really you” she asked.

“Yea it is. Hey could you come see me I sure could use a friend.” Were we friends I wondered.

“Girl I’m coming but I’m telling you before I come I’m bringing hair supplies because I cannot take that hair.’ I laughed into the phone thank you Lord I do have one.