Brightest Stars | Love of Royals: Book I

XIV: Here For You

'Oh my Valar...'

I don't look up from where my head is still buried in my hands, even as I hear Gelya hurry over to me.  There's a taste on my tongue of the warm, salty tears that have stained my face and made my eyes feel as though they're empty of all emotion.  They've been drained.

The reassuring touch of a familiar arm around my shoulders brings me to peer over my damp fingers.  Her face filled with innocent concern, Gelya hugs me tightly with one arm, while with the other she moves my hands from where they were blocking my face. I can't help but notice how her warm chestnut eyes are shining. I wonder what brought her to Thranduil's private chambers... stop. As soon as I think of him, the last few minutes with him haunt my mind all over again.

'Elena, what's wrong? Talk to me, please!'

My lips move in some way, but no sound escapes them, no matter how hard I will it to. I still can't unsee Thranduil's face falling, and how he turned his back and left. My heart speeds up again; my breathing becomes heavy and deafening in my ears; all I can see is Gelya's face, getting more and more worried by the second, blurring as my vision begins to spin.

There are two hands now: one gripping my back, the other stroking me gently as she tries to ease me back into focus, but it's only getting worse. I can't see her anymore. I see Thranduil. That moment when he realised he didn't love me—and every moment after—being replayed in a sickening cycle in my head, over and over and over...

***

'Elena! Oh, you're awake!' The relief in Gelya's voice is blatantly obvious.

I unstick my eyes a fraction more, and for a moment I expect to see Thranduil, sat casually in his typical spot on my bed, but then... it all comes flooding back. I won't be seeing him again for a while.

Gelya reaches out, slipping her hand into mine and helping me prop myself up against a few pillows. 'How are you feeling?' she says in a hushed voice.

'Um... alright, thank you,' I lie. I most certainly do not want to think about the emotional baggage I'm currently carrying. Stars definitely weren't made for this kind of suffering.

Gelya raises an eyebrow knowingly. 'You're not alright. You don't make eye contact when you're lying. Also, it's clear to see something's wrong. What happened?' she adds fearfully, 'are you hurt?'

'No, no... I'm not hurt. Well, no more than I was before.  It's just... well, Thranduil... no, um...' I fumble on my words, and during my struggle for an explanation I notice realisation dawn on Gelya's face. I give in. I need to tell her the truth. 'Gelya, I... you were right. All along. I was in love with King Thranduil.'

The young elleth gasps in excitement, then narrows her eyes. 'Was?'

'Yes, I was. And maybe briefly, he loved me. But ever since I met him, I'd been trying to deny feelings for him, and almost straight after I accepted them, everything changed. I found Ellerian's diary in the King's library, and I read it.  I ruined everything.  I was right about us.  It shouldn't have happened.'  I'm not going to let the tears creep back again.  Not this time.

'Ohh, Elena...' she coos, 'I knew all along that you two loved each other.  What I saw wasn't something that could be easily broken.  He'll come around, I'm sure of it.'

I smile at my innocent friend, shaking my head.  'No, he won't.  It's not my place to tell stories about his past, but trust me, he's been through things no ellon deserves.  We were wrong to get close to each other, for many reasons.  Did we love each other?  Maybe once, but not anymore.'

Gelya shifts her eyes uncomfortably, and shuffles a little on top of the duvet.  'Well... I may have seen him since this happened...'

I knew it.  How else would she have known where I was earlier, let alone got permission to go in there?  And I'm sure Gelya could not have carried my unconscious form from there to here by herself—the thought of Thranduil doing that after what was said ignites a spark of anger within me.  If he did carry me... I'll have him know I don't need him to look after me anymore.

'King Thranduil came up to me in the corridor and told me the directions to his library, where I would find you.  I was to help you get back to your room.  He seemed sadder than I've ever seen him in my whole life—although, I wasn't alive to see him grieving for Queen Ellerian.  I can't say which was worse.'

Some of my anger is replaced with more heavy sadness and a pang of longing, longing for the King who had been healing me since the second we met.  More than anything, I yearn to see him happy again.  I found it easier to be happy when he was too.

No.  He walked away.  You don't need him anymore.

'Then, when I got to you, you blacked out within a minute, and I—I panicked.  I called for help, and King Thranduil was in his room, and he heard me.  He came in looking like he'd been crying.  His eyes were bloodshot and his face was blotchy.  I really hated seeing him like that, since he's normally so refined and magnificent.  But he still carried you all the way here, and—forgive me if I say—I don't think an ellon who hates you would cry after leaving you, and then make sure you got back to your room safely by carrying you himself.'

This doesn't make any sense.  He said he felt nothing for me, and now my best friend is telling me clear evidence that his statement was false.  I've watched them since they first awoke at Cuiviénen, but still elves continue to baffle me sometimes.  Remind me again why I got sent to Middle Earth?  Oh wait—I don't know.  I'm injured, confused, and stuck in the Woodland Realm with no clue of what my task could be, surrounded by thousands of stupid elves. 

Except one, that is.  I'm terribly puzzled as to why Gelya has shown so much kindness to me when others have not.  She deserves so much for making me feel like more than just the Star that came to Mirkwood; she likes me for who I am, not for what I am, and that's one small piece of comfort.  At least I'm not so repulsive even a sweet elleth like Gelya doesn't speak to me.

'Elena?'

I snap back to reality.  Gelya is looking slightly bemused, but she relaxes when I make eye contact with her again.  'Thank you for telling me all this, I—'

Before I can finish, Gelya jumps in, drumming her hands on her knees.  'So you'll get back with the King?  Please do it!  He needs you!'

The sad smile she receives causes her to place her hands back down reluctantly.  'I really wish I could please you here, mellon nín, but like I said, we don't love each other anymore.  It would be folly to engage in a relationship with him, as has always been the truth.'  Gelya's face falls, and my heart crunches inside my chest.  'I—I'm sorry, it's just... we can't—we shouldn't...' I find myself choking on the words again, so Gelya takes my hand in hers and squeezes it gently.  I will not cry again.  'I don't know what to believe anymore.  I don't even know why I'm here.  I just wish I could know, know what my task is, know how to feel with Thranduil... I'm a Star, I'm used to knowing things.  But here—here I'm completely lost.  Here, I know nothing.'

'You do know one thing,' she says kindly, 'you know that I'm always here for you.  And I know I won't be the first person to tell you this, but you will find your task.  You'll find everything in the end.  Including yourself, and your love.'

I have no words.  I can only smile sadly again, which I feel is not enough to address such a statement.  As much as I yearn for Gelya to be right, I think when it comes to Thranduil, there's nothing more to be done. As much as mine calls to me, Stars are not supposed to find their love.  That's the one thing that's meant to remain lost.

***

Elvish:
Mellon nín = my friend