Pushed

Chapter 3

Callie woke up a few hours later to the noise and laughter of the other kids' arrival. Lena, who had been sitting with her, giving Stef her much needed break, lead them both downstairs. Downstairs Mariana was animately describing how much she hated Kaitlyn and how bossy she was. Jude and Jesus were sitting at the kitchen table picking at what was left of Callie's chicken in the styrofoam box. "Where's mom?" Lena asked as they made their way into the kitchen. "She just left for the store." Jude told her. "She said she'd be back in a bit." "Yeah, she just needed to get away from Mariana's drama." Jesus joked. "Shut Up Jesus." Mariana said. "If you knew what Kaitlyn was like you'd be bitching about her too." "Language." Lena said looking sternly at her daughter causing the other three kids to smile. "Sorry mama." Mariana said sheepishly. "Why don't all of you get started on your homework and then maybe after dinner we can have a game night." Lena suggested. She wasn't sure what dinner would bring but she had a feeling that either she nor Stef would be up for dealing with homework. At least a game would be more fun. The three kids who just got home from school all went to get their backpacks. "Where's Brandon?" Lena asked. "He was supposed to bring Callie's homework." "Oh he gave it to me." Mariana said, pulling a book out of her backpack and handing it to Callie. "He went over to Aiden's to work on some project I think." "Oh, right." Lena said, remembering that her son had mentioned a project. "What does Callie have to do?" "Brandon said that she has to write an essay on 'obstacles' for English and read chapters six through eight in that science book, there will be a quiz next week." "That shouldn't be too hard Callie." Lena said smiling. She knew that Callie liked writing for Timothy's class, especially since they had the option of not reading it to everyone and she enjoyed reading as well, regardless of the subject. Callie gave her a small smile. She though it would be good to get her mind off other things for a while. She began to plan out her essay in her head as the others all settled with homework and Lena began dinner. Less than twenty minutes later Stef returned with two full bags of stuff. "What you got there babe?" Lena asked going over to the kitchen island where Stef was setting down the bags. "Just some stuff." Stef said, trying not to make a big deal about it. Lena began digging through the bags pulling out two boxes of Nature Valley granola bars, real fruit chips, apples, nectarines, grapes, baby carrots and cherry tomatoes, cookie-dough ice-cream and a few natural fruit juices. She raised an eye at Stef who just shrugged. "We gotta try everything." Stef whispered, knowing that her wife preferred the kids eat healthy, but right now if they could get even this into Callie it was good. And besides the ice-cream, Callie's favorite flavor which was meant to be a treat, the rest was pretty healthy. Lena couldn't help but smile at Stef. She really was trying every possible thing to get their daughter to eat something. The love and concern she saw in her eyes made her want to cry. No matter how tough Stef was or how angry she got she would always do right by her family. Lena helped Stef put the stuff away and then pulled Stef out of earshot of the kids. "Let's try to make a deal with her." Lena said to Stef. "We'll give her just a little bit of whatever she wants to eat and let her have some juice in exchange for something she really wants." "You want to bribe her?" Stef said in surprise. The thought hadn't struck her and if at all they discussed it she imagined that she would be the one bringing it up. She suddenly realized that Lena was also reaching a point where she was desperate. "What does she want?" "Space." Lena said without missing a beat. She watched Stef's face turn to horror. "Space?" She repeated. Lena nodded. "We give her a little privacy. See how it goes." "And when she hurts herself?" Stef asked the obvious question. "We'll keep an eye on her but maybe for a little while before bed, while she's with the kids maybe." Lena trailed off giving Stef a moment to think about it. "Alright, we'll try it." Stef said, though she wasn't completely convinced it was a good idea. She was having trouble deciding which was worse - Callie not eating or the possibility of her hurting herself. "Good," Lena said smiling. "Let's tell her now so that she has time to think about it." She suggested. She knew that just like Stef, Callie also needed a bit of time to come to terms with something. Stef waited as Lena called Callie over. "Okay Callie." Lena began. "Mom and I talked and we're going to make a deal with you." Callie looked at Lena and Stef in curiosity. "A deal?" She asked. "Yes." Lena said. "Mom's bought some stuff that you like - carrots, fruit, even ice-cream. If you can eat just a little of that then we decided that you'll earn some time to yourself this evening." Up until that last statement Callie was ready to refuse but the thought of some freedom really did make the offer very enticing. "You need to eat the mashed potato from lunch and a few carrots or a fruit and ice-cream if you want and then mom and I will be up in our room while you kids either watch a movie or play a game." Stef said. "And drink one juice box." Lena added. Callie looked torn between her options. On the one hand she hadn't been away from either of them for more than a minute at a time in a week now but she was still reluctant to let go of the one thing she seemed to have some control over. The sound of laughter from the kitchen table distracted her and she turned to see Mariana and the boys laughing over some drawing that Jesus had done as a diagram for science. Apparently it didn't look quite like what it was meant to but instead more like a set of boobs. The sight made Callie's decision easier. She had to admit, at least to herself, that she was hungry and the desire to spend some time with just her siblings sounded great. With the moms hovering over her so much lately even the others had preferred to keep their space but now she was being given a chance. "Okay." Callie finally said as she looked back at Stef and Lena. "Good." Lena said with a smile. "But Callie, no funny business." Stef warned. "If you start to feel down you come to us okay?" Callie nodded before heading back to her essay. Suddenly she knew what her topic was going to be about. Dinner came all too soon for Callie. Stef had sent her to wash up for dinner and while she was gone she told the kids that Callie was being given something different for dinner and that none of them were to comment or complain and ice-cream would be for everyone as a treat. All the kids knew that Callie was having a hard time and they were more than willing to help out. Callie came back to a plate of mashed potatoes, four carrots and a glass of orange juice. She looked at the plate miserably. The others were already helping themselves to the roast that Lena had made and were digging in to the mixed vegetables as well. There was lighthearted chatter around the dinner table but both moms kept a close eye on Callie, so far she hadn't touched her food nor had she taken her eyes off her plate. Stef wanted to encourage her to eat but she knew that drawing everyone's attention to her wouldn't help her any. Instead she continued eating while half listening to what her other children were saying. She picked up on snippets of the conversation - Jesus had won a wrestling match against Emma and she hadn't taken it well, Mariana was fed up of Kaitlyn bossing them around at practice and Jude got a 'B' on his History test. Callie, of course, said nothing. Eventually the other kids all finished and were excused to get ready for bed so that they could start their game and have ice-cream while they played. Lena started on the dishes as Stef moved closer to Callie and laid a hand on her back. "They're all gone now." She said. "Go ahead, take a bite." "No." Callie finally said looking up at Stef. "Forget the deal. I don't want this." "Callie." Stef began. "You haven't eaten anything all day, you can't go on like this." "I'm fine Stef." Callie said moving away from her. "I'll eat when I'm hungry." "You can't not be hungry." Stef said. "How would you know?" Callie asked. "I know you think you know everything but you have no idea what I'm feeling." Callie was getting defensive now because she was losing the battle. "I'm sorry Callie." Stef said trying to stay calm. "Just eat any one thing okay. Just the carrots if you like. I just need you to put something in your stomach please." Stef practically begged. Callie could see the worry in Stef's eyes. It wasn't often that she showed this side of her and Callie felt guilty for making her worry so much. After what seemed like ages to Stef, Callie finally picked up a carrot and began to eat it slowly. Stef forced herself not to sigh in relief for fear of stopping Callie. She just sat and watched as Callie finished one and then a second carrot. Her pace was slowing down and Stef decided to give her some space. "I'll put the leftover chicken into a dish." Stef told Lena as she got up and got busy with the chicken but kept a sidelong glance at Callie as she ate her third carrot. Neither of the mom's made a big deal when Callie finally finished the fourth one and pushed her plate away. "Good girl." Stef said softly as she took the plate and handed it to Lena to be rinsed before putting it into the dishwasher. "Do you want the juice?" Stef asked Callie. She didn't want to push her but was surprised when Callie slowly nodded and reached out for the glass. They watched as Callie drained the glass faster than they expected and they both realized just how hungry Callie must be. "Can I go to the bathroom?" Callie asked as she handed her empty glass to Lena. Lena smiled and nodded as she rinsed out the glass and added it with the plate. When Callie was gone for more than a few minutes Stef rushed to the bathroom. She was terrified of what she'd find as she knocked on the door and opened it. She imagined finding Callie looking for something to hurt herself with or already hurting herself but instead she found her curled on the floor crying. She quietly sank down beside her and hugged her tight as she rocked them both. "I'm so proud of you Callie." Stef said. "I know that it was hard for you but you did it anyways. You are so strong. You've overcome so many bad things in your life and you've protected Jude from so much over the years. I really admire you for that. It takes a lot of strength to be able to do that. But you aren't alone anymore Callie. There are so many people here who love you and want you and want what's best for you. We're all going to support you and help you get better, and you will baby. You will be just fine. Just remember how strong you are." Callie listened to all the things Stef was saying. She had been strong and she had protected Jude. And then they came to this house and she was finally able to just take a break and catch her breath and that's when she found things becoming the most difficult. The fear of loosing something so good - the ability to control her own life, the freedom to make mistakes without unreasonable consequences, the knowledge that she had people looking out for her. And suddenly she felt those things disappear - She couldn't get adopted and instead they wanted a baby, she began making too many mistakes because she wasn't as afraid of them anymore and worst of all the people that were looking out for her were starting to control her in different ways - expecting her to work hard and do her best, expecting her to make decisions for herself and not only giving her the freedom but along with it the responsibility to be a good person not because she was afraid of being anything different but because that's who they wanted her to be. All that freedom became overwhelming and the cutting helped release it all. And when that was stopped she found that they couldn't control what she ate - only she had that power. She eventually stopped crying and Stef helped her up. She lead her upstairs and together they got ready for bed. By the time they came back down the kids had Cranium all laid out in the dining room ready to play along with the ice-cream and seven bowls. "Okay who wants ice-cream." Jesus said as he opened the tub. Brandon, Jude and Mariana all said yes eagerly. "Callie?" Jesus asked as he put two scoops into each bowl. "No thanks." Callie replied. Stef and Lena gave each other a look - so much for her favorite dessert. "Not for us either." Stef said, trying not to make a big deal of it. "We're gonna go have some time to ourselves." Stef said smiling as Lena walked in with two glasses and a bottle of red. "It's just you kids tonight." The kids had already made the teams - Callie and Mariana, Lena and Jude, Jesus and Brandon and Stef would play alone. She always got too competitive. They were quite surprised, however, when Stef mentioned that her and Lena would not be playing. "Okay." Mariana said skeptically. "New teams then. Jesus and Jude can be together and Brandon you can play by yourself." "Why me?" Brandon asked. "You're the oldest." Mariana replied "And no one wants to partner up with you - like mother like son." Jesus teased and they all laughed. "I'm not even playing and still I get teased." Stef said in mock surprise. "Brandon could you come and help me in the kitchen for a second." Lena said. The two headed into the kitchen and Stef walked over to Callie and gave her shoulder a small squeeze "we'll be in the living room if you need us." She said softly so that only she could hear. Callie nodded as Brandon and Lena reentered the dining room. Both women headed into the living room leaving the kids to start their game.