Pushed

Chapter 22

Things had changed for her lately. She was happier more often and she found herself thinking more and more of the normal things in her life like her mid-terms and what to do during her break after they were over and she mentioned this to Dr. Briggs when Lena took her in on Friday after school. Stef was working an extra two hours and didn't come with them and so Callie also mentioned how she told Lena that she loved her and called her mom but wasn't quite ready for that with Stef. "How come?" Sarah asked. "I don't know." Callie admitted looking to Lena. "With Lena it just sort of came out in the conversation but with Stef, I guess I'm sort of afraid." "Afraid of what?" Sarah questioned. Callie shrugged. "Are you afraid she'll be angry or that she won't feel it back?" Sarah asked. Callie shook her head. She wasn't sure what she was afraid of but knew it wasn't the fear of Stef rejecting her or not reciprocating the love because she already knew that Stef loved her. She just didn't know what was holding her back. "Well how did Lena react when you told her?" Sarah asked glancing at Lena. Callie smiled and Lena reached out her hand in encouragement. "She looked so happy and she hugged me and told me that she was waiting for the day when I felt comfortable enough to say it on my own." "Did that make you feel good?" Sarah asked. "Making her happy?" Callie nodded and Lena hugged her. "Alright then for now let's not worry about Stef. She doesn't know anyways so there's no pressure for you to rush it. Whenever you're ready it'll happen, just like it did with Lena." Callie thought about it for a moment, wondering when she'd be ready for that before Sarah continued. "What about just talking to her?" Sarah asked. "Did you manage to tell her what you were really feeling?" Callie nodded. "I told her the truth." "That's good." Sarah said encouragingly. "That's a big step. Have you figured out ways to work around your fears?" Callie shrugged. "They don't watch me as much any more but I still have to sit with them for meals." "She's still struggling with that." Lena offered as she squeeze Callie's hand in reassurance. "But we're working on it." "That's great." Sarah said to Lena. "What about you? Are you and Stef doing better?" "Stef and I really worked out our problems." Lena said. "We talked and it was like you said, we didn't find a solution but just talking about it helped us realize how the other was feeling." Sarah laughed lightly. "And they always grumble that us shrinks talk unnecessarily." Lena and Callie laughed with her. "I realized that Stef was right, I always handed over the difficult parts to her for her to deal with and as a result she was always playing bad cop." Lena turned to Callie as she said it and playfully nudged her. "It wasn't fair to her and lately I've been trying to carry my own weight." "How does that make you feel Callie?" Sarah asked. "Like I now have two prison guards." Callie joked but then turned to Lena. "I'm sorry I tried to make you guys fight." Lena smiled at Callie "Stef and Callie also talked and things seem to be going better there, though there are still some bumps in the road." Lena explained. "But for the most part Stef is also trying to work around Callie's needs." Lena looked to Callie for confirmation. Callie nodded. "It's still so hard sometimes bug she sits with me while I eat and just holds my hand." "That's alright." Sarah assured her. "As long as there is progress then it's fine." "We did have one major issue that we had to deal with." Lena said, moving to the most serious topic of the week. "Jude found out about Callie's self harm and confronted us about it." Sarah observed Callie as Lena explained her part of the conversations with Jude and watched as her face dropped. "How did that make you feel Callie?" Sarah asked. "Knowing that your brother knows about you." Callie was silent for a while but Sarah waited patiently and finally Callie looked up. "I hated it." She said. "I never wanted him to find out and when I realized that he knew I was so angry." "Did you talk to him about it?" Sarah asked. Callie and Lena both nodded. "We sat him down and Callie and Jude both explained how they were feeling and Callie admitted to why she did what she did." Lena explained. "They were both carrying around so much guilt and they finally shared it, even if they didn't let it go completely." "A lot of the time we think that a problem is too big for us to handle or for someone else to handle and so we keep it inside. But when we actually say the words to describe it to someone else we realize that it's not such a major deal in the first place." Sarah explained. "When I told you and Stef to 'just talk, what's the big deal' you two would have looked at me like I was crazy but in the end isn't that just what you did?" Lena smiled her agreement. "Pretty much." "Callie do you feel a little better now that you have spoken to Jude?" Sarah asked her. "A little, I guess." Callie admitted. "I know that no one believes me yet but I'll never hurt myself like that again. I promised Jude I wouldn't and now I know that I won't." Sarah smiled as Lena slid closer to Callie and hugged her tight. Finally the day of Brandon's gig arrived and the only thing that Callie couldn't shake was the anger she felt towards Mariana for laying all her problems onto Jude. Over the last week Callie and Mariana had gotten close - Mariana helped Callie overcome some of her fears just by being there and being a friend rather than a supervisor. But lately whenever Mariana tried to approach Callie, she would just brush her off, not wanting to spend time alone with her. She was too afraid that her anger would get the better of her and she'd lash out at Mariana. The last time that happened Callie had managed to upset the whole house, cause Lena to leave them all and have Stef almost give up on her. She couldn't risk that again so she figured it was better to just avoid the issue. "Hey, come on." Mariana said as she tried to convince Callie. "We haven't done anything together since the movie on Wednesday and now it's Saturday." "I'm busy Mariana." Callie said. "I have to study." "We all have mid-terms Callie. This is the last weekend we're allowed to do anything until they are over so let's make the most of it." Mariana begged.
There were only two weeks left for mid-terms to start and Lena insisted that the last weekend before they began the kids all had to stay home so they could focus. With five kids and always some activity or issue to deal with it gave them all some down time to focus on what was important. "Brandon's going to his gig and Jude's going for a sleepover. You and I can do a movie or go bowling or crash Brandon's party, whatever you want." Mariana tried again. "No Mariana." Callie said, getting annoyed. "go bug Jesus to go with you, I don't want to." Mariana huffed and walked out of the room to find her brother leaving Callie alone, wishing she had something to do that would get her out of the house tonight. Mariana and her invitation was the only offer she had and she knew her mom's wouldn't allow her to go anywhere by herself so she was basically stuck at home. "Your curfew is twelve and not a second longer." Stef told Brandon as she was getting ready to head out to Allen's house to set up and practice a bit. "And please, please don't get drunk." "I'll be fine mom I promise." Brandon said. "I'm there on a job remember - I'm not going to drink, I'd rather have the cash." Stef nodded and Lena laughed. "She wouldn't rest if she didn't give you the lecture." She teased her wife. "I won't rest until you're home either way." Stef corrected with a groan. "Thanks for extending my curfew tonight mom." Brandon said as he kissed both moms before heading out. "Good luck honey." Lena called after him. "Remember back when they were little and in bed by eight?" Stef said, only half joking. "I do." Lena smiled. "Back when we had three little ones demanding our attention all hours of the day and night leaving us with absolutely no time or energy for anything." "Right..." Stef mumbled as Lena grabbed her car keys. "Let's go Jude." She said look up to the top of the stairs. "Conner's expecting you, you don't want to be late." "You got everything?" Stef asked as Jude came down with his over stuffed backpack on his back and a sleeping bag under an arm. "Yeah." Jude said with a big smile on his face. He and Conner were going to spend the whole day together and then camp out in Conner's back yard in a tent with a fire and everything. They were going to toast marshmallows and make s'mores and tell ghost stories all night long. "Have fun bud." Stef said as she kissed him and sent him out the door with Lena. Stef climbed the stairs in search of the other three children. She knew that Jesus and Mariana were going to a movie later in the day and they had asked Callie to join them but she had refused. Stef found both girls in their room, Callie studying and Mariana playing on her phone. "Hey you two." Stef said as she sat down on Mariana's bed, knowing that if she didn't pull the phone out of the girl's hand then her attention would never waver. "Hi mom." Mariana groaned as her phone was taken away. "What movie are you going to see?" Callie asked. "Jesus wants to see 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'." Mariana answered, sounding disgusted. Stef smiled at the look on her daughter's face as Mariana continued. "If Callie was coming with us then we could have out-voted him." Mariana said, actively blaming Callie for her misery. "Sorry." Callie said flatly, giving no explanation for her lack of interest. "Are you sure sweets?" Stef asked casually. "It might be nice to get out of the house for a while." "I'm tired." Callie said and Stef let it go. She wasn't about to push Callie out the door if she wasn't ready. "Okay love. You can spend the evening with mama and me." Stef smiled at her. Three hours later Callie was sitting alone in her room. Mariana and Jesus had left for their movie over half an hour ago and Stef and Lena were in their room sorting through the laundry. Callie was feeling restless sitting alone but she didn't want to sit with her moms. They would ask her questions and try to figure out how she was doing. Instead she wished that she had gone to the movies with the twins - Stef had been right, a night out would have been good. Maybe she could go over to Allan's birthday. She was invited after all - their whole class was. "Come on in love." Stef said as Callie knocked on their door. "Everything alright?" Lena asked. Callie nodded. "I was thinking that you were right." She told Stef. "I could do with some time out." "Honey the movie will have already started by now." Stef told her. "I know, I was thinking I could go to Allan's birthday party." Callie said. Stef and Lena exchanged a look, both of them thinking the same thing - they weren't sending Callie to a party where there was bound to be alcohol and god knows what else and absolutely no supervision whatsoever. "I'm sorry honey but that's not an option." Stef told her. "Why not?" Callie said. "Technically I am invited." "That's not the problem honey." Lena said gently. "We're just not comfortable sending you into something like that right now." "Come on, please." Callie begged. "Brandon will be there, I'll be fine." "I'm sorry love." Stef said apologetically, but her tone told Callie that they weren't going to budge. "But we can take you somewhere if you'd like." "This is crap." Callie mumbled as she went back to her room. Stef just stood there with a smirk on her face. "Is it wrong that she's upset and I'm happy about it?" Stef asked. "She's acting so... normal." Lena said. "Like any other teenage girl." Stef nodded and kissed Lena lovingly. "We're getting there babe." Callie stomped off into her own room, angry at her mom's for once again not trusting her. Logically she understood why they were reluctant to send her to a party but still she was mad. If she wasn't so angry with Mariana she would have gone for the movie with her but even that wasn't going to happen now. But Callie hated sitting alone. Her moms were there but they didn't count - she wanted to be out like her siblings. She had already spent most of the evening studying so she couldn't even concentrate on that any more. Finally, getting too frustrated she decided that she was going to prove her mom's wrong - she would go to that party and show them that she'd be fine. Less than five minutes later Callie was sneaking out the back door and out the back yard with her cellphone and a jacket, leaving a note on her pillow that read -Gone to the party. I'll be okay, I promise. Callie.