Pushed

Chapter 8

"Honey, talk to me." Sarah encouraged. She had heard about Callie's past and she really admired the girl for all she'd been through and she wanted to help her in any way she could. Stef and Lena spoke about her with so much love and Sarah wanted her to open up to them and let them in. "I can't let her get close." Callie said. "Who?" Sarah asked. "Stef." Callie said. "What if they change their minds or someone comes and takes me away before I can get adopted." "Honey, we never can tell what's going to happen in the future but you can't ruin your life worrying about it." Sarah said. Callie just looked at her, tears still spilling from her eyes. "Is that why you've stopped eating?" Sarah asked. "Because you're so worried." Callie shook her head. "Then why?" Sarah asked. "I'm losing control." Callie said. "Of what?" Sarah asked. "My life." Callie said. "I never needed anyone before. I could take care of myself and Jude." "So you're worried that you won't be able to take care of yourself if you get taken away from your moms?" Sarah asked. Callie nodded. "And how does not eating help?" Sarah asked. "It makes Stef mad at me." Callie said before she could stop herself. Sarah raised her eyebrow. That was definitely not the answer she expected. "I mean..." Callie backtracked. "Sometimes I wish they'd leave me alone so I can be myself again." "Yourself?" Sarah asked. "I was stronger." Callie said. "I never let anyone know if I was hurt or upset. If things got too much then I'd cut myself to release it." "And they stopped that." Sarah realized. Callie nodded again. "Was throwing up another way for getting all those feelings out?" Sarah asked finally making the connection. "I didn't mean to do it. I won't do it again." Callie said softly. "It wasn't like I planned it. Not eating was something I realized that they couldn't control. They had me sleeping in their room and I had to be with them all the time but this, no matter what they did I still had the control." "You know that they did all those things to keep you safe." Sarah told Callie. "I know." Callie said. "But again I used to be able to take care of my own self." "I can understand that." Sarah said. "Have you talked about any of this with your moms?" This time Callie shook her head. "I can't tell them that." "Why not?" Sarah asked. Callie shrugged. "What do you think will happen?" Sarah asked. "Do you think they'll get mad?" Again Callie shook her head. "Then what?" Sarah asked. "They'll try to fix it." Callie said. "And I'll get weaker." "So them taking care of you is hard for you." Sarah summarized. "It's never happened before." Callie whispered. Once again Sarah realized just how much Callie must have gone through in her life. She wasn't even able to let good people take care of her because her fears were ingrained so deep. "I think that your moms would like to know what's going on and I know that they will want to help." Sarah admitted. Callie looked dejected at the thought. "But..." Sarah continued. "Whenever you're ready to tell them how you feel, we will find ways for them to help you without you feeling like you have no control. How does that sound?" Sarah asked. "How?" Callie asked. "We'll talk it out and they can tell you what they plan to do and you can tell them what you aren't comfortable with." Sarah explained. "I want them to stop sticking by me." Callie said. "I know." Sarah said with a smile. "But if you hurt yourself then they really can't do that can they?" She asked. Callie shook her head. "I told them I'd never do it again." "But you said that before right?" Sarah asked. Callie looked down because she knew it was the truth. "But if I never get to be on my own how can I prove to them that I won't hurt myself?" Callie asked. She felt like it was a catch-22 situation. "Can I bring your mom in now so we can discuss it with her?" Sarah asked. "I won't say anything about what we talked about until you are ready." Callie slowly nodded and Sarah reached to her desk and picked up the receiver. "Grace, please send Callie's mom in." A moment later the door opened and Stef walked in and Sarah noticed the immediate change in Callie. She seemed more relaxed even though it was obvious that she was afraid of this conversation. She understood what Callie meant about never needing anyone before. Stef took her seat next to Callie and gave her a warm smile. "Callie, would you like to tell Stef what we talked about?" Sarah said giving the girl the chance to start. Stef had no idea what was coming but she was so relieved that Callie had actually talked to Sarah. That was a really big step and Stef was thrilled. "I need you to trust me." Callie said softly. Stef looked from Callie to Sarah and back again. "Trust you about what honey?" Stef asked gently. "I won't hurt myself again." Callie said looking up at Stef. "Even if I go to school or sleep in my own bed. I won't hurt myself. I'll come to you if I need help." Callie and Sarah could both see the conflict in Stef's eyes. "How about we come up with a plan for that too." Sarah suggested. "Callie you can sleep in your own room again but Stef can check you every two days or so for a while." Callie looked uncomfortable with the thought. "Okay." She finally said as she dug inside herself for some courage. "What about school?" Callie asked. "Lena spoke with her teachers who all agreed to watch out for her as well." Stef interjected here. She wanted Callie to be able to go back to school as well. She was missing so much. "Let's see how the weekend goes and we'll take it from there." Sarah suggested. Both Stef and Callie nodded. "Now Callie, you need to promise me that you are going to work on all this." Sarah said. "Even when it's hard and you get upset you need to try. And if you do nothing else that we talked about you need to go to your moms when you feel upset. That one is the most important." Callie nodded. She knew it wasn't going to be easy but she really wanted to stop feeling like this all the time. The doctor had been right - knowing the plan before hand sort of made it a little easier. Sarah turned her attention to Stef. "We did make some progress today but Callie isn't quite ready to share that yet but she is going to work on eating and staying safe." "We are here for you love." Stef said looking at Callie. Sarah smiled as Stef and Callie got up. She watched Callie slip her hand into Stef's as they said thank you and left. On the drive home Stef was worried about giving Callie her space. How was it going to work? She wondered. She was worried that Callie was only saying what they wanted to hear. She knew that she'd be raiding the kids bathroom again before tonight. She also knew that she would be going into work at night anymore. Maybe if Callie was able to start school again she could take the morning shifts, but Callie did seem sincere and as worried as Stef was about Callie she genuinely hoped that Callie really was trying to get better. They got home and Callie asked if she could sit in the back yard while Stef made lunch. They were going to take the doctor's advice and stick to a salad and cold turkey sandwich. Stef agreed and Callie walked outside. As Stef began grating the vegetables for the salad she watched Callie's body start to shake. She was leaning against the tree with her knees up and her head buried and obviously she was crying. Stef wanted to go to her but obviously the girl wanted some time alone and as long as she was safe Stef would give her that space. Callie wasn't sure how she was going to do this. She was afraid - everyone was going to constantly be looking at her, wondering what she would do. She agreed to eat but looking at Stef pull out the vegetables made it harder. It was easier to agree to this plan sitting in the doctor's office but actually having a plate of food in front of her wasn't as easy. Callie thought about what the doctor had said about telling Stef what was bothering her and coming up with a mutual way to help her, one where Callie wouldn't lose all her control. Talking about her feelings wasn't something Callie had had a lot of practice with but she knew without a doubt that if she tried Stef and Lena would support her and try to help her on her own terms. There were somethings that they would put their foot down about but she knew that even those things were only to help her and keep her safe. Callie remembered how happy she had been when she had finally stopped cutting herself after the Olmstead's. She had been so proud of herself. Her biggest worry about it back then wasn't the cuts itself but the worry that Jude would find out. She had to keep them hidden from him. But he had been so young so he didn't really know anything. The few times that he had seen a bandage she told him that she hurt herself and he had just accepted it - Callie had had a ton of foster-parent related injuries before to make it believable. Now though Callie didn't have to worry about Jude. No matter what happened to her she knew that he was safe. He was an Adam's Foster now and with that came the security and freedom to be himself. But Callie wasn't that lucky yet. Now her worry was that she had learnt to be a part of a family when she wasn't really one. How would she survive on her own again if she had to. Those retched feelings started building up in Callie again and she hadn't even had her freedom for an hour yet and she was already thinking about cutting herself to let it out. Just the thought made her turn around to look through the window into the kitchen and she saw Stef standing there, looking back at her. The worry on her face evident. 'It's now or never'. Callie told herself as she got up and headed inside. The salad and sandwiches were ready now but neither of them touched it as both of them sat opposite each other waiting for Callie to say something. It was obvious to Stef that Callie had something to say and was trying to find the courage to get it out. So she waited patiently. "I'm not sure how to do this." Callie finally said and Stef creased her eyebrows wondering what Callie meant. "Do what?" She asked. "Talk about things." Callie said honestly but Stef misinterpreted it. Stef heard the words as Callie admitting that she couldn't come to them if she needed to while Callie was trying, in fact, to do just that. "Honey you don't even have to talk okay." Stef said, slightly panicked. "If you don't want to talk you don't have to. Just come to us. Stay with us and we'll work it out." Once again Stef was trying to fix things by taking control and Callie really found herself at a loss of how to explain herself. She began to cry as her emotions took over again. "Honey." Stef said as she reached across the table for Callie's hand, but Callie pulled her hand away in anger. This wasn't going her way at all and each time she tried to reach out Stef would just take over and she couldn't take it anymore. "No." She yelled as she pushed her stool away from the table and as far from Stef as possible. "Just stop." Stef was shocked. What had just happened? What had she done wrong? "Callie..." She began, but she wasn't sure what to say. "Just leave me alone please." Callie begged. "I need you to just let me be." Tears were falling down her face now and she was unable to stop them "I can't talk about this." She mumbled more to herself than to Stef. "Talk about what?" Stef asked, but Callie couldn't do it. She wasn't ready yet. This was too much for her. "I won't hurt myself I promise." Callie said instead. "Please can I go to my room. You can check up on me if you want." Callie looked so broken that Stef didn't have the heart to say no. She was extremely worried about Callie but Callie's offer to let her check up on her gave her the feeling that she was telling the truth.  "Can you eat your sandwich first?" Stef asked slowly, afraid that it would cause another outburst, but to her surprise, Callie pulled her stool forward again and silently ate up her entire sandwich. Stef watched without moving and when she was finally done Callie looked up at Stef silently questioning her if she could go now. Stef nodded and as Callie was leaving the room she stopped her. "I'm right here honey." Stef said. "If you need me I'm right here." Callie nodded and headed upstairs. Stef couldn't shake the fear she felt but she forced herself to wait at least twenty minutes before checking up on Callie.