Pushed

Chapter 21

The excitement that both Callie and Lena felt through the day died a little as the three of them sat down to talk to Jude. They headed into Jude's room and found him sitting on his bed reading a book. Lena sat down on the chair at Jude's desk and Stef took a seat in the beanbag in front of the bed while Callie went to sit with Jude. They had decided that Callie would do all the talking and they would only interfere if they had to. Stef was still unaware of the conversation Lena and Callie had had that morning but neither of them thought this was the right time for it anyways. Callie would share it with Stef when she was ready and right now the only thing on her mind was her brother. Jude didn't take his eyes off his book. The fact that all three of them were here wasn't a good sign. He guessed it was to talk about what he knew and although he wanted some answers, he was afraid to confront Callie about it. All the bravado that he showed in front of Lena had disappeared now that Callie was in front of him. "Hey buddy." Callie said, sitting down next to him Jude didn't answer but instead continued to stare intently at his book. Callie gently pulled the book away from his hands. Right now she wasn't Callie - the teen, struggling with adjusting to her new life; right now she was Callie - the girl who did whatever needed to be done for the sake of her brother. Jude finally looked up at her. His eyes filled with sadness and confusion but Callie could see specks of anger in there as well. "Can we talk?" She asked cautiously, hoping that he would tell her how he was feeling. "Why would you do it?" Jude asked, not beating around the bush. "I..." Callie began but stopped. She didn't know what to say. Her whole life had been about protecting her little brother so how was she supposed to explain something like this to him? She looked over at Stef for some help. Stef reached out a hand a squeezed Callie's knee supportively but didn't say a word. She knew that this had to come from Callie herself. "I made a mistake Jude." Callie finally said. "I'm sorry. I just couldn't deal with all that was happening." "How can it be a mistake Callie?" Jude asked. "You did it on purpose, more than once." Callie sighed. How she wished her brother had never found out about any of this. "I know." Callie admitted. "I was wrong, but I'm trying really hard to stop." "It's not that hard." Jude stated. "Just don't do it." Callie looked miserably at Jude. She wished it had been that easy all this time. She knew that she would never cut herself again, now that Jude had found out but promising that was not going to help. None of them really trusted her and none of them could see how determined she was just yet. Ironically the one thing she was most afraid of ended up being the thing that would eventually give her the strength to stop. "I'm trying." Callie said instead. "I am trying I promise." "Why would you do it at all?" Jude asked. He was still so confused about her choice of rebellion. "I didn't mean to when it started." Callie told Jude. "It was an accident, or at least it was desperation." "What do you mean?" Jude asked. Callie looked for a way to explain how it started without bringing up Liam and what he had done to her. "I hurt myself accidentally and realized that it helped me feel better." She finally said, leaving out the details but telling him the truth "because of Liam?" Jude asked innocently. Callie nodded. "At first." She said. "But then it helped me deal with other things too." "Like what?" Jude wanted to know. Callie looked away. This was a part that she had never told anyone ever and she wasn't sure she wanted to share it now. But then again Jude was adopted, he belonged to someone now, a whole family who loved him and cared for him and would protect him and help him through this. Maybe it was time for Callie to let them in - time to let them all in. "Like all the times I couldn't protect you." She finally told him honestly, unable to look any of them in the eye. She heard Lena gasp and felt Stef tense up in front of her but she still couldn't look up. "What do you mean?" Jude asked, his voice going small as though trying to hold back tears. "Whenever you got hurt or felt afraid and I couldn't help you." Callie explained. "When I got sent away to juvie and left you all alone in that house." Stef and Lena listened intently but stayed quiet and still until Callie continued. "When I got us kicked out of the Olmstead's." Callie continued her list. At that both Stef and Lena reached out to stop her. She looked up at them and both of them shook their heads, silently reminding her yet again that it wasn't her fault. But she looked away because she believed that it was. Maybe he was at fault for raping her but she had encouraged the rest of the relationship which ultimately lead to the rape and in turn to being sent away from the house. Stef once again placed a hand on Callie's leg, squeezing it, conveying love, understanding, support, all in one gesture. "I don't blame you." Jude said, unaware of the silent conversation between his moms and sister. "I know you don't." Callie said as tears filled her eyes. "But I do. I blame me." She admitted miserably, thinking of all the time that Jude was hit or punched or sent to bed hungry and Callie was powerless to help - not for the lack of trying, mind you. They were all silent for a moment. Both siblings thinking about their past while both moms looked on, only able to imagine the horrors that they had lived through. "What about all the times that you did protect me?" Jude finally asked looking up at Callie, his eyes filled with love. "I was young but I wasn't stupid, I know how many times you took the fall for me so that I wouldn't get hurt." His own eyes welled with tears as well as he looked away. "I would feel so guilty that you had to do that for me but I was too scared." He whispered. "No Jude." Callie said, moving closer to him and hugging him. "I did it because I wanted to. Even if you had tried to stop me I would have done it." She tried to offer him some comfort. Callie never imagined that Jude knew about any of this let alone felt guilty about it. Stef had been right, they needed to have this talk just like she needed to have her talk with Stef and just like Stef said she had needed it with Lena. Callie never imagined she'd reach the point where she'd talk about her feelings rather than try to hide them as deep as she could. Suddenly she realized that she was, in fact, getting better. All the things that she was going through and all the problems she was facing were just hurdles but one by one she was crossing them and suddenly her destination didn't seem so far away. "Can I see them?" Jude asked after a while, pulling away from Callie. It took a moment for Callie to realize that he was talking about her scars but she slowly turned her arm over so Jude could look at the now faded, almost nonexistent scars on her wrist. Only two scars actually showed even when you didn't look too closely - the first one she had ever done and the first one in this house - both significant firsts. Jude studied the scars for a moment, lightly tracing his fingers over them, thinking about how she must have felt while making each one of them. "I'll never do it again." She said softly to him as she watched him study her arm. "I promise you that." Jude looked up at her. "I believe you." he said. "You never break a promise you make to me." Stef and Lena's hearts broke at Jude's words. He had so much trust in his sister and it was solely because he had always given him a reason to trust her. For the first time they also found themselves trusting Callie's promise. They would still check her and watch out for her just because they all knew that sometimes even the most meaningful promises couldn't be kept, but still they had a feeling that Callie would keep this one. "You know that if anything ever gets to be too much for you, you have people here that care right?" Callie told Jude, picturing him sitting there holding his knife like Lena had described. "Not just me but them too." She gestured towards their moms. Jude nodded. He knew, he always knew, because unlike Callie, he had always had someone there. "Please don't ever let things get to this point." She said, her voice full of emotion. "It's so hard to deal with. It's so much easier to talk about it right from the start." "I won't." Jude promised. "I'll never do that. I promise you that." Callie smiled at him, knowing that he was repeating her own words in an attempt to prove to her that he meant it. Callie was still holding on to Jude so she looked over at her moms who both wasted no time joining the siblings on the bed wrapping their arms around the two of them, proud of both of them for being honest with each other. After a while Stef and Callie left the room. Lena stayed behind just in case Jude needed to talk or had questions but Stef wanted to talk to Callie so the two of them headed to the master bedroom. She watched Callie climb into the bed without being asked, thinking of the struggles and arguments that happened when Stef had first suggested it all those months ago. She smiled at the progress they had made as she took a seat beside her daughter. "Can you tell me about the first time." She asked softly. She knew that Callie had kept the details from Jude but she wanted to know them. She wanted to know whatever she possibly could about the girl that she had grown to love as much as her own children in such a short time. "It was the day after Liam raped me." Callie said. Somehow talking and being honest didn't seem so difficult anymore - at least not at the moment. "I was making a sandwich for Jude and I kept seeing his fingerprints around my wrist. He had pinned them up over my head and held on so tight that they were still visible the next day. I was cutting the sandwich into pieces and before I knew what I was doing I used the knife to cut away the fingerprints. At first I was so freaked out but then as the pain became so intense that the rest of what I was feeling faded into the background and then it became a habit. I could actually see what was causing this pain rather than having it floating around inside me. This pain made sense." Callie explained as tears filled her eyes. Stef could feel her own tears escaping as she reached out to hug Callie. She couldn't imagine going through something so traumatic and having no one to help. She hated that her girl had ever had to go through anything like that but she was so thankful that she had her now and could protect her for the rest of her life. She couldn't do much about Callie's past but she could help her deal with it and heal from it so that eventually over time she would be whole again. Through the rest of the week Callie and Jude stuck by each other as though drawing strength from each other. For the first time it looked like Callie was leaning on Jude just as much as he was leaning on her. They never spoke about any of it again but still they stayed close, doing homework together, watching TV, just sitting together in silence. Callie was by no means fine - though she no longer felt even the urge to hurt herself she was still struggling with eating. She still needed Stef beside her, holding her hand as she forced bite after bite of whatever meal into her mouth. She still needed that little bit of control over her own life and as a result she had some bad days and some good ones. Stef got angry with her a couple of times and Lena had her fair share of insisting Callie do the things that needed to be done including meals and check ups. She was still meeting Lena in her office every day during break and lunch and heading straight to her after school to be brought back home. But still things were pretty normal and basically drama free for a few days.