Pushed

Chapter 15

But Lena didn't know what to say. She didn't want to hurt Stef or make her angry and she knew that anything she said would do just that. So instead she looked away from both Stef and the Doctor and remained silent. "People have different opinions." Sarah said when Lena remained silent. "Even people who love each other may not always believe in the same things. That's okay. But what's not okay is hiding your own feelings because you're worried about what might happen." Lena listened to Sarah's words and began to feel like one of the teenagers that were sent to her office on a regular basis. This is what it felt like to have someone with authority tell you what's right and what you should do. She knew that she couldn't do things this way. Sarah was right - she and Stef needed to sort this out so that they could help Callie. "You're just never there anymore." Lena finally said. "What are you talking about?" Stef asked. "I've been there all week." "But all you can think about is Callie." Lena said. "I need to keep an eye on her, love." Stef said and Lena smiled - finally there was something coming back. "I just wish that everything didn't have to be a fight." Lena whispered. Stef turned to Lena with fire in her eyes. "You think that's all I do?" She asked angrily. "I just think that if you tried to talk things through instead of just dictating orders to everyone things might be easier." Lena said softly "because 'talking' has done so much good right?" Stef shot back. "What happened the last time I left you to talk to Callie about eating?" Stef asked Lena. But Lena didn't answer. "All she ate was half a tub of yogurt." Stef answered her own question. "And the last time I did it my way she ate five strips of chicken and her carrots and the time before that she ate almost a whole french toast. Which way seems to work better Lena?" "I just want her to feel like she has a choice." Lena defended herself. "You think I like begin the bad guy?" Stef asked her more softly. "You think I don't want to give her a choice? But for her the choices are eat or don't eat and that's not something I can live with. I need her to eat and if forcing her to do that is the only way then that's what I'll do." Sarah listened to the conversation without interrupting. Though the two were arguing, they were at least being honest with each other and that was the only way they were going to get through this. She understood where each one was coming from and how their choice of action reflected their personality. "I wish you would help me Lena." Stef continued. "But you don't ever discipline so I have to and because of that I'm always the bad guy. With you everything is always about talking and sharing but the problem with that is that Callie isn't talking or sharing so it's not working. She can't just live on yoghurt Lena, with the amount she's been eating she may as well not eat at all. And every time I try to get her to actually eat a meal you swoop in and give her an out. Then she uses that to put us against each other." Lena's eyes filled with tears now and Stef sighed. "Great." Stef mumbled. "Once again I'm the bad guy." She was angry with Lena for putting her in this position and she was angry with Callie for making things this difficult and leading everyone into this mess. But most of all she was angry with herself because she couldn't protect her own family. They were falling apart right in front of her and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to fix it. "You're not the bad guy Stef." Lena said, wiping her tears away. "Don't you see that? Don't you see the way she looks at you?" Stef's expression relaxed a little. She knew that when Callie was really having a hard time just a hug from Stef could help calm her. But the problem was that it didn't always work. Sometimes Callie seemed to want nothing to do with her and she didn't know how to fix anything. "You guys did great." Sarah interrupted at this point. The two women had made a start and although they had just about scratched the surface she knew that they could continue this without her. "I want you to really continue this conversation before our next session but for now we only have ten minutes left so let's get back to Callie." Sarah buzzed Grace to send Callie back in. Callie entered the room once again and sat down in her usual spot between her moms. "So Callie." Sarah began when Callie was seated. "Your moms have told me that you've made quite a bit of progress." Callie raised her eyebrows at the statement. "Progress?" She asked, not really believing it. "Yes." Sarah confirmed. "You were still here when they mentioned that you had successfully slept two nights without them and you even managed to eat when you didn't want to and you made it thought school today and although there were some minor setbacks it was still a success." Callie looked at the doctor waiting for her to continue. "I was never expecting this to all happen overnight." Sarah explained. "Even when we made the plan last week I knew you wouldn't be keeping to it everyday. These things take time and sometimes it seems like it's more effort than its worth but trust me once you get over the hard part the rest is a piece of cake." "What's the hard part?" Callie asked. "Honesty." Sarah said gently, knowing it wasn't what Callie wanted to hear. "Your moms had to deal with some of that today and my suggestion would be to be honest with them about some of the things we talked about last week. It's going to be hard, I don't disagree with you, but it's important and it's the biggest hurdle you will have to overcome." Callie nodded even though she wasn't looking forward to this at all. She had never been one for sharing, not that there had ever been anyone to listen before anyways. But she would try at least. Even if it was just once sentence she would try. "Good." Sarah smiled. "As for the rest, take it slow but there still has to be progress remember. And don't try to get your moms to fight just to get what you want." Callie looked guiltily up at Sarah before she felt Stef's arm wrap around her pulling her into a hug as Lena's hand covered her own and squeezed. These people were trying so hard for her and all she was doing was ruining it for herself as well as for them. Why did she always have to be such a screwup? What was wrong with her? "So you all have some homework for next week." Sarah said as she wrapped up the session. "You all need to be honest with each other and even if you don't come to any conclusions or find any solutions you need to just lay it bare." When they got home Lena set to work on dinner while the kids went to get their homework done and Stef went to take a shower. She had planned to do that before heading to the therapist's but Callie's skipped lunch put a hold to those plans. As she let the hot water soak through her hair and relax her body Stef kept thinking about what was going on with Lena. She knew that Lena was right and that she hadn't been the same lately but honestly she couldn't think about things like sex and intimacy when her daughter was falling apart right in front of them. But Stef did miss Lena, the real Lena and she understood that Lena missed her too. They hardly ever had arguments that lasted this long and it scared her. She didn't want this to get between them. Sarah had mentioned that couples often when through major problems when something went wrong with their children and Stef was determined not to let that happen to them. She quickly finished her shower, got dressed and headed downstairs to the kitchen. She hoped that none of the kids would be down their with her and was glad to find only Lena standing at the stove stirring a pot of beef stew. Stef walked up behind her and turned the flame down while wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close. Lena leaned into the hug and when Stef kissed her cheek she realized that Lena had been crying. "I love you." Stef said softly into her ear. Lena smiled when she heard the words she'd been waiting all week to hear. "I love you too." She whispered back. "I'm sorry honey." Stef said. "Me too." Lena said as she turned, still encircled in Stef's arms. "I didn't mean to shut you out." Stef began but Lena stopped her. "We'll do this after dinner okay." Lena said as she leaned into Stef and wrapped her own arms around her wife. "The kid's will be down soon and I don't want to start something we can't finish." Stef looked into Lena's eyes for a moment trying to figure out if Lena was still angry or not. Lena smiled at her. "We'll be fine, I promise." She said as she kissed Stef on the mouth. She held onto Stef tighter when she felt her kissing back. Her whole body tingled with desire. This was all she needed - to be wrapped up in the safety of Stef's arms and have her kissing her. "Gross." Jesus interrupted the moment as Callie and the twins came downstairs. "Get a room." Stef groaned as she pulled away from her wife. "Why did we ever decide to have kids?" She joked and Lena laughed along with Jesus and Mariana. But Callie looked uncomfortable at the statement. Stef went over to her, guiding her further into the room and to the table. She took a seat next to Callie. "We wouldn't trade you for the world." She whispered. Soon the other two boys came downstairs and dinner started. It wasn't exactly a quiet affair, there were after all seven people at the table, but it was more quiet than it usually was. Stef gave Callie a bowl of stew and only one piece of bread, if Callie was going to eat only a little she'd rather it was the stew. She was relieved to see that Callie ate it without any fuss though. She wasn't really prepared for a battle tonight. Her mind kept wandering to Lena and their impending conversation. Finally, two hours later, all the kids' homework was done, they were fed and now getting ready for bed. Stef said goodnight to each of them before heading into her own room to Lena who was now dressed in her pajamas, freeing their bed of the numerous throw pillows that she insisted on having. Stef walked purposefully over to Lena and planted a passionate kiss on her lips taking her off guard. "I love you." Stef said firmly, when she finally released Lena. "I need you to know that before we start this." Lena smiled. "I love you too." She said. Stef sat them both down on the bed and sighed, trying to figure out a way to start this conversation. "I'm sorry that I don't know how to just let it go." She said. "I see so many kids in trouble all the time and I can't save them. I'm so scared that I won't be able to save my own daughter." She admitted. "You aren't alone Stef." Lena said gently. "It's not all on you. Let me in and let me help. We've talked about this before." "I know." Stef said, "I just worry." "I know you do honey and I love you for that." Lena said. "You always want to take care of everyone and you love us all so much but you can't let that be your whole life." "How can you say that Lena?" Stef asked. "You are my whole life and losing any one of you would kill me." "We aren't losing anyone Stef." Lena promised. "Callie is getting better. I agree it's not as quick as we'd like but if you look closely it's happening." Stef nodded, realizing that Lena's words were true. "I'm sorry you feel like I don't support you." Lena said. "I know that even when you're mad at her, or any of us, it's because you love us and you want us safe. I just don't want her to feel like we're ganging up on her or that she needs to be afraid of us."
"I don't like yelling at her either." Stef said as tears filled her own eyes. "Sometimes she's willing to do whatever we tell her but more often than not she's fighting us and being firm with her seems to be the only way to get things done." Stef admitted. "I know," Lena said. "I see that too." "I'm so worried about what's going to happen to her. If we can't fix this by ourselves then we may have to send her somewhere to help her and she's not going to take that well. She'll think that we're abandoning her and that's not going to help her at all." Stef was openly crying now. "If we can't fix this at home there's no way it's going to get fixed anywhere else."
"We aren't sending her anywhere." Lena said.
"But what if it comes to that?" Stef asked. "What if she hurts herself so bad or she stops eating completely." Lena thought for a moment. She had no answer to that question. Even Sarah had casually mentioned that it might become a possibility if Callie doesn't improve. But she realized that Sarah had been right, they didn't necessarily need a solution right away - all they needed was communication and that went for Callie too. "You need to talk to her." Lena said. "To who?" Stef asked. "Callie." Lena said. "I've tried Lena." Stef said tiredly. "I've tried talking and being nice and hugging her and kissing her. But sometimes none of that works." "But you're not being honest with her." Lena pointed out. "What?" Stef asked confused. "Does she have any idea how you feel?" Lena questioned. "Does she know how scared you are that you might not be able to help her. Does she know how much you want to help her? How hurt you get when she won't let you." "How can I put all that on her?" Stef asked. "She's broken enough as it is." "No Stef." Lena disagreed. "You're just too proud to let it show. You're doing the very same thing that she does. You feel weak and so you convert it into anger to hide your true feelings." "That's not what I'm doing." Stef denied the accusation. "Yes it is." Lena said softly, knowing that it was hard for Stef to hear. "And if you don't let it show then how is she supposed to learn how to open up herself? How is she going to learn that she can trust us?" "Well why don't you show her?" Stef asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're good at the talking stuff." "I can't." Lena said sadly. "It has to be you." "Why?" Stef questioned. Lena smiled at Stef - sometimes Stef was blind to the most obvious things. "Because she needs you to do it." She said. "Why me?" Stef asked, still confused "because she's you." Lena answered. "Or at least she's trying to be. You're both so tough and you both have these hard shells that you don't let anyone break. You take on problems that aren't yours to bare and even when they are you refuse to let anyone in to help. You both hate showing any signs of weakness or failure and as a result you push people away when that happens." Lena took Stef's hands in her own and turned them both so that they were facing each other. "She needs to see you do it so that she can learn that she can do it as well. But first you need to learn to do it yourself." Lena finished. Stef looked at Lena, a grim expression on her face. She didn't want to do any of that. She wanted to stay strong for her family and be the protector. She couldn't let her sixteen year old daughter help her figure out how to sort out this mess. That was her job. But Lena was right about everything else - Stef and Callie were a lot alike and she couldn't stop the smile spread across her face at the thought. "She's your daughter Stef." Lena continued when she saw Stef's smile. "And you need to do whatever you have to to help her, no matter how hard it is." Stef nodded, knowing that Lena was right. "But you also need to remember that you aren't alone honey." Lena said. "I'm here and I'm not gonna break. I love you and Callie as well and there's nothing that I wouldn't do to help you too. Sometimes you have to let me take care of you. You need to let me in just like you want Callie to let you in." Stef's tears started falling again as she pulled Lena into a tight hug. "I love you so much Lena." She said with so much emotion that her voice was breaking. "I'm so sorry that I got mad at you and shut you out." "I know babe." Lena hugged Stef back, holding her as her body shook with emotion. "It's okay. We're fine now." Stef pulled away from Lena as she got control of herself again. She wiped away her tears and then reached out and placed a hand on Lena's stomach. "I've missed so much lately." She whispered as she stroked Lena's stomach, where their baby was browning. Lena placed her own hand over Stef's and squeezed. "No you haven't." She assured Stef. Stef leaned in and kissed Lena. All the stress and tension of the past few weeks leaving her body as she let her desire take over. Just having this conversation helped and she realized that she missed her wife just as much as Lena had admitted missing her just two nights ago. Finally Lena got what she'd been craving for a week now and after a few more hours of making up both of them lay relaxed in each other's arms, knowing that things would work out as long as they had each other - and they both knew that they definitely had each other.