Pushed

Chapter 20

Stef saw Callie and Mariana waiting outside the theater for her as she pulled up. There was still a crowd around them so the movie had obviously just finished. As she got closer she could see both girls smiling. "You have to admit you liked it." Mariana said as she climbed into the car. "I already said it wasn't bad." Callie replied laughing. "But I wouldn't want to watch it ever again." "I see things went well." Stef said smiling at her girls. "It was amazing." Mariana said, with enthusiasm. "You should see those girls dance. I'll never be as good." "Those are professionals Mariana." Stef said. "They've probably been doing it since they were toddlers. You've just started. If you work hard you'll get better." "But I'll never be that good." Mariana said, her excitement dying down a bit. "Just be the best that you can be and that's all that matters." Stef told her. Mariana groaned as she turned her attention to her phone while Stef turned her's towards Callie. "How was your evening love?" She asked, observing Callie. "Not bad." Callie said. The movie wasn't half bad but the line to the bathroom was a mile long." Though Callie was smiling and had obviously enjoyed herself Stef's breath caught at Callie's last line. She couldn't help but wonder about what Callie could have done in the bathroom by herself. Callie must have seen the look on Stef's face because she looked away, a sad expression on her face and Stef knew that she hand't done anything. Stef reached across the console and squeezed Callie's knee affectionately. Stef wanted to ask what they had eaten but she didn't want Callie to feel like she was being questioned so she just left it. She'd drop it into the conversation casually or else she'd ask Callie privately once they were home. When they finally got there Stef lead the girls into the house. Jesus and Jude were watching T.V. downstairs. "Hi mom." Jude said as they walked into the house. "Mama's sleeping but she said to wake her when you got home." "Thanks Love." Stef said. She knew that Lena wanted to talk to Callie about Jude and she hoped that it wouldn't ruin Callie's night - she seemed to be in such a good mood that Stef was reluctant to risk ruining it. But slowly as the five of them climbed the stairs to head to their rooms Stef realized that the sooner they dealt with this the better. Jude seemed to be getting more and more curious and after seeing his knife she wanted to give him some honest answers as soon as possible. "Get ready for bed and then come join us for a bit please." Stef told Callie as Callie was about to enter her room. Callie gave Stef a questioning look. "We just want to talk." Stef assured her with a smile. Callie nodded and then went to get dressed. Stef walked into her own room. Lena was fast asleep over the covers, still in her clothes. Stef went to her, lying down next to her and held her close as she planted a kiss on her cheek. "We're home love." Stef said softly as she woke Lena up. Lena moaned, but turned around to face her wife and smiled. "I could sleep like this all night." She said, referring to being wrapped in Stef's arms. "Anything for you my love." Stef told her. "But Callie's going to be here in a bit so right now lets get changed so we can talk when she gets here." Lena must have forgotten momentarily about their decision to talk to the girl because her face fell instantly. "We can do it tomorrow if you'd rather." Stef told her. "No. We need to do this." Lena said as she got out of bed. The two of them brushed their teeth and got ready for bed and just as they were climbing into bed Callie knocked on the door. "Come in honey." Lena called and Callie slowly opened the door. "Come join us love." Stef told her, making space between them for Callie. "Did you have a nice time tonight?" Lena asked Callie. Callie nodded as she settled herself down on the bed. She imagined that they were going to check her but instead they asked her to get into bed. Now she had no idea what was coming. And she definitely didn't expect what finally came. "So we wanted to talk to you about Jude." Stef said and immediately Callie's attention is completely on the conversation. "What's wrong with Jude?" Callie asked looking worried. Stef and Lena shared a look before Stef sighed and continued. "He knows about you hurting yourself." She said cautiously. They watched Callie's eyes go wide and her breathing get quick and shallow. "Breath honey." Stef said rubbing Callie's back rapidly. "Calm down." "How did he find out?" Callie asked on the verge of tears. "We aren't sure." Lena said "but I've spoken to him and he's really confused." "What did you say to him?" Callie asked. Of all the things in the world this was the last thing she wanted to happen. Suddenly being sent away to some hospital or psych ward seemed like such a trivial thing. "I tried to explain to him that you were hurting and didn't know how to handle it." Lena said. "But I didn't tell him too much because we decided to talk to you first. We wanted to know how much you wanted to let Jude know." "How much does he know?" Callie asked worriedly. "Well he knows that you cut yourself and that you did it while living with the Olmsteads, but he doesn't know why." Lena answered. "Good, he can't find out." Callie said. "Sweetheart we think that you should talk to him about it. Be honest with him." Stef said gently. "No way." Callie said firmly. "I'd die if he ever knew." "Sweetheart he blames you for being sent away from that house." Lena said gently, still hating that fact. "I don't care." Callie said. "Let him blame me. Better he blames me than knows the truth." Lena sighed. She wished she could put a stop to Jude's grudge against Callie but without Callie's permission she knew that she couldn't. "What about the rest?" Stef asked. "We need to tell him something to help him understand." "No." Callie said. "Just leave it and he'll forget about it." "Oh honey he won't just forget." Lena said. "He's so worried about you and he's trying to understand, he really is." Stef pulled the pocket knife out of her pocket and held it in front of Callie in the palm of her hand. "How did you get this?" Callie asked surprised. It was Jude's most prized possession. "I caught him looking at it, studying it to try and understand why you would hurt yourself." Lena answered honestly. "I got a little afraid and so I took it away from him." Callie looked miserably back at her. What had she done? How could she have put her bother through this. She reached out to take the knife from Stef but Stef closed her fist around it. "How often have you used this knife to hurt yourself?" Stef asked her. Callie looked up at Stef in shock. "Never." She said forcefully. "And I never would. That's the one knife I'm actually safe with. I would never do that to Jude." She said. "Okay." Stef said, relaxing a little. At least the one knife that was in their possession wasn't a weapon. Callie turned her gaze back to the knife still encircled in Stef's fist. Suddenly it's value had changed for her. She couldn't imagine Jude even thinking about using something to hurt himself. But it was her stupidity that even lead him to the thought in the first place. "Well he want's it back." Stef explained. "But we aren't going to give it to him." Callie once again turned her attention to Stef. "We know that it's important to him but under the circumstances we don't think it's such a good idea." Stef explained. "We'll keep it for him and we'll give it back to him in a few years when he's older and understands more." Callie nodded. She didn't want Jude to hurt himself either. "We might need you to help explain that to him." Lena said. "He was pretty upset when I took it from him." "It was all I had to give him." Callie answered. "I took mom's necklace and gave him the knife." Her hand reaching up to the little pendant around her neck as she spoke. "We understand that and we promise to keep it safe." Lena said. "Callie we need to talk to Jude about all this." Stef said. "He needs to understand and he needs to do it the right way so that it doesn't become too much for him to handle." "He would never do that." Callie said. "He's not stupid." "Neither are you." Lena said, not liking the fact that Callie thought herself stupid for the way she handled her problems. "But we never know how someones going to respond to stress and we don't want to take that chance." "Remember we talked about trust and honesty?" Stef asked Callie and watched her nod. "Well just like you and I dealt with it this afternoon, mama and I dealt with it last night and we think it'll be good for you and Jude to do it as well. We understand that you don't want to tell him about what really happened with Liam but it would help you both if you could talk about the other stuff - the stuff that's happened here." Stef said. "And we'll be with you while you talk to him so that we can help both of you. We'll do it after school tomorrow." Callie looked horrified at the idea but she knew she had no choice. She really hated herself for what was happening. But one thing was certain, she knew that no matter how angry she got or at whom she would never, ever hurt herself again. This was her cure - the thing she had tried to avoid the most and now that it had actually happened she knew she had to stop no matter how hard it was for her. But Callie didn't bother explaining any of this to her moms. She had already made this promise to them more than once and broken it each time so she knew that they wouldn't completely believe her. No, this time it was for herself. This time she was promising herself that she wouldn't do it again and she knew that this time she'd be able to keep it and only then would anyone else believe it too. Callie was still upset about Jude's knowledge of her self harm the following morning and as a result she was late for breakfast and didn't eat anything. Though all three of them downplayed things in front of Jude, Stef did warn Callie that if she didn't eat something then Stef would keep her home until she did and only drive her to school after breakfast. Reluctantly Callie grabbed half a bagel, promising to eat it in the car, under Lena's supervision. Finally the whole family was out the door. Stef heading to the station while the rest of them to school. Stef had given Lena a kiss, making her promise to watch Callie eat the bagel and Lena assured her that she would. Callie sat in the passenger seat slowly eating her dry bagel while Jesus and Brandon sat right in the back of the car and Mariana and Jude occupied the middle row. Mariana and Jude were having a discussion about his Solar System project and Jude mentioned to Mariana that Conner loved her idea and suddenly Callie realized that Jude had lied to her about fighting with Connor, which means he had known about her since then and she also realized that it had been Mariana who told Jude her secret - that's why Mariana had told her that Jude was worried about her - she was the only one who knew that Jude knew the truth. Callie was suddenly angry with Mariana. How could she do this? How could she put Jude through it? When they reached the school Lena waved off all her kids and held Callie back for a moment. "Are you okay?" Lena asked gently. Callie nodded. She was angry but she was okay and although Lena didn't know it she wasn't going to hurt herself no matter how many chances she got. "Okay. Don't worry about Jude, we'll deal with this together." Lena said. "We both love you." "I love you too." Callie said for the first time, and she really meant it. Lena's eyes filled with tears and she reached out and pulled Callie into a hug, not caring that she was still standing in the parking lot in front of the school surrounded by teachers and students heading into the building. And Callie didn't seem too bothered either because soon Lena felt arms wrap around her and hug her back as well. "Baby you just made my day." Lena said, kissing Callie before releasing her and wiping her teary eyes. Callie smiled shyly back at her. She had never said the words before but she had always loved them. She just never realized how much it would mean to them to hear her say it. "Don't tell mom okay." Callie said softly, using another term for the first time in front of them. "Let me do it." Another smile spread across Lena's face. "Promise." She said as she gave Callie one more kiss before sending her off to class. Lena spent the whole morning wishing she could call Stef and tell her what had happened. Callie had told her she loved her and referred to Stef as mom. She knew that Stef would be just as thrilled as she was but she knew it was better to let Callie do it herself. It would be as wonderful an experience for Stef as it was for herself. Mariana had already told them that Callie had referred to them as her moms once before but to actually hear Callie say it herself meant more than Lena ever imagined it would. When Callie came in to check with Lena during break Lena was still grinning away and Callie got embarrassed, her cheeks turning a shade of pink as she looked down at her shoes. Lena rose and walked around her desk to Callie and raised her face until she could look into the girl's eyes. "Don't be embarrassed sweetheart." Lena said. "We love you so much and we've been waiting for the day that you feel comfortable and safe enough to say it too. We don't mind that you call us Stef and Lena but we'd love for you to call us 'mom'." Callie nodded and hugged Lena. "I do love you mama." Callie whispered, not letting go of Lena. "I have for a long time, even thought I never said it." "We know sweetheart." Lena told her. "We just didn't want to push you." When Callie finally let go they both had tears in their eyes but they were both smiling. Callie had crossed a major milestone and she had done it at her own time and that made it all the more special. "I bet you mom is going to be the happiest person in the world when you actually call her mom. I can't wait to see it." Lena said smiling and Callie smiled shyly too. She couldn't wait either.