Rant Time 4

I Came Clean to My Mom|Story Time

I've been hiding a huge secret from my mom for just over seven months. If you recall, on May 8th, 2017, my girlfriend--who was only a very close friend before that day--told me she loved me for the very first time. Come to find out she was sending subliminal messages to me before that and I was too stupid to get it, but that's not relevant here.

A couple of months ago, I confessed and told my mom that I "liked" my girlfriend. I never said I loved her or that she was my girlfriend, despite us being together for a good while. It wasn't that big of a deal then. I guess my mom didn't take it too seriously, because she continued to make smart remarks about me being straight.

Of course I was pissed. But little did I know, it was just a small stepping stone to a mountain.

On December 9th, 2017, I came clean to my mom and stopped lying to her. It started when we were arguing and I said I couldn't wait to leave home. She said, "If you run away now, you cannot come back. And you won't go to France."

Honestly, an alarm went off in my head and I tensed up. I swear my brain went dead and all I could hear was "code red! Code red!" It was like the "abort mission" warning.

I asked her what she was talking about. She looked me dead in the eyes and simply said, "Your girlfriend."

My mom knew beforehand that my girlfriend is in France. What she didn't know--or what I thought she didn't know--was that our relationship is so serious that she would fear me running away to go see her.

Now, if my girlfriend and I were both grown adults with our own lives, of course I'd do my best to see her. But right now? I cannot afford to go to France for any reason by myself, even with permission. The money in my bank account right now isn't enough to even cover a plane ticket.

Where my mom got this crazy idea that I'm able to just up and leave and skip to another country to see my girlfriend whose parents have no idea--and can't have any idea--of my existence is beyond me. I can't make it on my own right now. I can't leave this country by myself. No matter how much I want to.

So, of course the girlfriend comment had me in code red. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. She proceeded to ask me if my girlfriend and I were speaking inappropriately to each other, because she's younger than I am. I lied (it wasn't that much of a lie; we don't send nudes or anything like that), and she knew it.

"Don't lie to me."

Okay. So I won't lie anymore. I spent that entire afternoon and the ride to work telling her the truth. The entire truth. I guess there was no hiding it anymore, and to be honest, I didn't want to hide it anymore. When you're really passionate about something or someone, it's hard to keep quiet. It bottles up inside and you get frustrated that you can't share that joy.

I kept it hidden for seven months and one day. That's almost a year. It was time to let loose. I was terrified and literally felt like my jaw was locked. I couldn't speak for a good while in the car. It was so hard just to get one word out. I didn't know what the consequences would be.

I remember telling my mom, "I know what I'm doing. I'm very careful with her, and I'm not giving up on her."

She just sighed, and I could see how conflicting this was and how hard it was for her to take in.

Finally she said, "So do you consider yourselves an actual couple?"

This was that question I did not want to answer. Fuck the question about me being too old and inappropriate. It's that one question that has a lot of stigma to it.

I shrugged and said, "It depends."

"Oh, I already know the answer."

I thought she was fucking bluffing and trying to get me to put my foot in my mouth so she could crush my heart, take away my phone, and lock me in my room. Then she said, "Six months, right?"

I honestly had no idea what to say. Then I started laughing. Full on laughing. I'm not sure why I was laughing, but it could have been the refreshing feeling that she didn't take everything I have away from me.

I shook my head laughing, and she laughed and said, "Well, am I right?"

"Almost. Seven. As of yesterday. How did you know?"

Maybe I wasn't so careful about hiding it as I thought I was. She said she saw something on my phone that said "happy six months." She knew this entire fucking time and was pretending to be oblivious.

She asked how we could consider ourselves a couple if we can't physically be together. I just smiled, looked at her, and said, "It's not about the physicality of it. It's how you feel about somebody and have a connection with."

She didn't say anything after that. I added on after that, "It's not about you. It's about me and her. This has been going on for seven months."

I must have had some balls to say something like that to her, but she didn't pop me in the mouth, so I guess it's okay.

When we pulled up to work, I said, "Okay, I told you. Now get off my asshole."

Her teasing laugh just proved that she was testing me to see how far I could go until I told her everything. It's true; mother really does know everything and she's always watching. I thought I was one step ahead of her the whole way, and I think I was for a few months, but when it clicked in her brain, she took the lead and played me like a rag doll.

We're all better off this way. No more lying, no more hiding. I'm able to talk casually about my girlfriend now. Coming clean is probably the best decision I could've made. I wish I'd had the courage to do it sooner. I'm not sure who I will--if--tell next. I'm not in a rush and don't feel a need to announce it to everyone, but I'd like to tell some personal friends, like TiTi.

I don't ever see myself telling my family. They found out I'm gay and that was enough to kill them, and as much as I enjoy seeing them get pissed off, it's just not worth it. I cut ties with them for a reason. I don't want them in my life. I don't want them to know what's happening in my life. I don't want them involved with anything about myself. If I were to see my girlfriend and have her with me, I'd keep her away from them at all costs.

I just could not lie to my mother anymore. I wouldn't care if I lied to anyone else, but lying to your mother is a special kind of betrayal. This is a huge step in telling the truth and being more open with who I am and the person I love. Not hiding this has prevented some hindering thoughts in my life.

Please, for your own sake, if you can, always tell the truth. It really will set you free.
~
Sierra ⚡️