Rant Time 4

Morbid|Misc.

Honestly, I barely get on here anymore, even to read (read what, exactly?), but I need to unload my shit somewhere without bothering people. Even if no one sees this and it falls away in the deep archives of this platform.

It's complicated. And morbid. But more morbid than anything.

I have been through so much shit in the past two months than I've ever had to deal with. Depression? Of course. Thoughts of self harm? Sure. Suicidal thoughts? Hell to the fucking yes.

I think I almost died a few weeks ago. I could've. I wasn't sick (as in chicken pox or some shit), I wasn't about to get killed, I wasn't tasting a pistol, I wasn't in harm's way. I wanted to fucking take myself out if I had to live through that shit for any longer.

I suffered for weeks. Luckily I snapped and cried and screamed and unloaded all my shit. And everything alleviated. I was so close to dying. I stabbed myself with my sewing pins until my entire right arm was red and hurting. I could've killed myself. I guess I didn't want to that badly, if I'm still here.

A lot more shit happened (and continues to happen) to me and it's honestly so ridiculous that I have to laugh and wonder who the hell thought this was a good joke to play on me. I can't even begin to explain what happened because it happened so fast. It's so complicated to tell and I really don't want to disturb my healing wounds.

The thing is, having these types of issues is refreshing. They're not in my head anymore. They're real. I'm actually having real problems. With work, school, and family, I'm so tied up in everyone and everything that it's causing me stress.

Everyone around me is experiencing these thoughts and emotions with me, and it's honestly beautiful--this is where morbid comes in--because it means I'm not alone. See, when I was in such a dark place, all the issues were simply in my head. They were my problems and mine only. Nobody else had to put up with the shit I went through. So of course I got the good ol' "it's all in your mind" and "stop being so over dramatic."

As if I was just making shit up.

Now, I'm a well functioning--I use that word loosely--person in society. I have actual problems that I can say I'm not alone in. My mom is facing the same demons, my friends, my family, the entire universe around me. We're all suffering.

And it's great.

Don't get me wrong, suffering is not great. It sucks. But what is great is that it's not in my fucking head anymore. It's real. It's out there. My problems are shared with many people. They understand. I'm not alone. That's what great.

Suffering is awful. Being able to suffer and heal with other people is awesome.

So yes, it is morbid and sad, but it's the way it is. I have to realize that I'm nearly 18 years old and soon I'll be on my own to fight alone again. But for now, I'm just so fucking grateful that it's not in my head. It's like it's come to life, which is frightening, but soothing.

Because you cannot escape what's only in your mind, but you will eventually escape what's looking you right in the eye.

It's the reason I got my very first tattoo. It's the reason I'm alive. It's the reason I almost died. It's the reason for everything. But I'm okay with that. As long as I have a reason. Even if it is morbid.

~

Sierra ⚡️