Rant Time 4

Farewell

Today is April 16th, 2019. This rant series has been alive for almost 5 years. Though, you can say it's been a bit dead because I've been so inactive here lately.

I began this series as something to take my mind off my issues. I was 13 years old, depressed, anxious, and needing an outlet that I didn't have back then. I spent most of that era heavily medicated with an erratic, cynical disposition that I deeply and wholeheartedly regret and despise now. I feel I should I apologize, not only to my readers, but to myself, that I had to experience these things and unleash them into the world. I don't believe in making a personal problem anyone else's, and I think I unintentionally did that. I worried some people, I'm sure. And you had every right to worry, because I was a real handful and a mess of things.

Maybe it's because I was also a troubled teen that got into things a little too fast. I got too ahead of myself at times. My behavior was off-the-wall insane and I regret it. But now, I'm 18 years old. I'm not the 13-year-old holed up in her bedroom with her cellphone, desperately begging for someone out there to understand and know what it's like to be me, internally. I'm an adult now.

This doesn't go to say that you can't be an adult and have a rant book. You absolutely can, if that's what helps you get through the day. It's really no different than a journal, except it's much more public and somehow so much more cathartic and remedial than paper and pen. But for me, I started this as a way to cope with my emotions because I had no other way then. After years of treatment and therapy, I've become a person of my own, not just a shell of hormones and flesh.

Eight days ago, I was officially 100% cleared to come off my medication, permanently. I was taking anti-anxiety pills at one point but stopped a few years back so I could learn to cope and process my emotions on my own. I stopped therapy a year ago, too.

After over 5 years of taking depression medication and learning to cope with my issues by myself, I was given the okay to stop with the pills. I stopped immediately, and after a small withdrawal passed, I began to feel. . .free. Because I know I've worked so hard to get to this point. I earned this. I no longer need journals and pills and therapy and self-help books. Nor do I need to always unload my problems onto others for the sake of my mental health.

I can do this. I've developed the coping skills I needed to surmount everything, and while I still hit little downfalls and moments in everyday life where everything is so shadowy and dark, I find ways to bring myself back to the light. I realized, the dark places and the sadness I experience from time to time are part of being human. There's nothing wrong with hitting a low point, as long as I do what I can to climb back to the top.

In my own honesty, I think getting out there in the real world and working to become a normal member of society is the best therapy that exists (for me). Exposure therapy helped me in ways I never thought possible. I used to be terrified of other people and public spaces, but now I can't wait to put myself out there and experience life in sharp detail. I'm about to take my driver's test so I can get my license and have the ability to get out there as I please and be a normal part of society, of this world. I can drive and it's so incredibly freeing.

When I was younger, I said I hated humans. And in a way, I still do, because they do suck at times. But I've grown to becomes fascinated with the world and how humanity interacts with each other. I want to know everything about the human race and what makes us so terrible yet so brilliant at the same time. This world is so big and I'm excited to explore it.

I'm a traveler, a lover of science and everything to do with it, a person with an interest of the past, a young woman blossoming into an adult with her own hopes and dreams. A person who beat the darkness and achieved a well-being. I smile and laugh more than cry, I enjoy the little things in life, and I live life as it comes, not as it always should be.

With this in mind, though I still struggle and have a lot of rants to spew, I'm trying to find other outlets of doing so. I've been on here for years. And I've met the most incredible people. One of them is now a really good friend of mine and I appreciate him greatly. This has been a wild ride of ups and downs and pure insanity that's a little embarrassing sometimes. But now, I think it's time to let go.

I don't utilize this book for its initial intended purpose, because I've learned to do it in other ways. I keep my emotions in check and busy myself in my real life to help myself, and it works. I think this is the end of an era, an era that was so terrifying for me to live and for others to watch me live. I'm sorry for that. If you're a ghost reader that's been here for awhile, thank you. Actually, thank you to any readers, from the bottom of my warming heart.

I thank this series and consider it part of my recovery. It helped me unleash the anger and hurt when I had no one. In fact, there are a couple drafts in this book from a year ago, that will never be published, because the anger isn't as great now as it was then. I have no reason to go back and undo the progress I've made for the sake of adding more parts to this. I'm happy in this life, in the coping mechanisms I've created for myself.

This is finished.

To my readers and everyone I met because of this series, thank you for everything. Now, I'm not leaving for good. This series may be done with, but I'll still be on this platform here and there, and I might create another book or two that document my life. Solely ranting doesn't do me good now, but having a book that depicts my actual life as I live it, is something I'd love to have. So yes, while the Rant Time series may be finished, my story is not.

What I've learned this past half decade has helped me heal, and now I have advice for everyone who struggles. Be kind to people, be kind to other beings, but most importantly, be kind to yourself. You are only human and everything you experience is real and should be taken into account. No matter what you feel, what you think, or what you experience, you are a person, and as a person, you are not made up of a single emotion or thought; you are a thousand different things all at once, and that's why you should never fault yourself for the mishaps that occur.

You're human. You feel, you cry, you scream, you laugh. Sometimes all at once. But that's okay. With time, you will learn to cope and understand yourself in ways you never thought possible, and when you do, you'll realize it feels so, so amazing. You are powerful enough to make things happen for yourself and only for yourself. As my driving instructor told me, don't sweat the small shit. Please don't. It's not worth it. Worry about yourself and your life and the things and people you love. Worry less about the mishaps and more about the bigger picture.

Follow my "three" rule: 3 days to let your emotions flow inside you, 3 weeks to begin overcoming those emotions, and 3 months to be completely over it. If what happens today won't matter in 3 years, it's not worth stressing over now.

No matter what you do in life, always, always be kind to yourself. Be smart, be kind, be adventurous. If no one has told you they love you, I love you. And believe me, there are many other people out there who will love you for who you are, inside and out. I hope you all become everything you want in life and you allow yourself to be nothing but human.

There's a big, wonderful world out there, and a life just for you. Explore it. Live it. Love it.

Thank you for the last 5 years, and for sticking with me on this long, hard road. This is my final goodbye, my final farewell to this Rant Time series. I love you all.

—Sincerely, Sierra ⚡️