Rant Time 4

Five Years Done|Rave Time/Misc.

It's November, the second to last month of 2018. At this time of year, I usually end my book and begin a new one, but since I am barely here, I've decided to continue this one until maybe next November. I just don't have the constant desire to be here anymore. It's been about 4 years since this series began and, while the end of the line is not quite near, the train is slowing down.

It has also been 5 years since I began my treatment.

However, I'm still here! I'm still alive. And I'm happy with most things in life right now, which is why I'm hardly here. I don't need to complain everyday. I never thought I would feel this way. Five years ago, if you would've told me I'd be 17 and (mostly) happy, I'd laugh in your face. Bullshit.

Who knew you would be telling the fucking truth. I would've never believed you. But I'm a firm believer in live and learn. You don't know how much that speaks to me now. I've lived, I've learned, and I've grown. I'm starting to let go of my past self and get ahold of my present self. Well, I already have. Now I'm looking at my future self, and she looks pretty good.

It's the end of 2018, four years on with this series and five years on with my treatment. I'm 17 and I've grown a lot since the start. I'm new. You don't know this me. Here's the changes I've made to my life and how they've impacted my present and how I hope they will impact my future.

I Got My GED
I was in high school. I finished up to 11th grade. My school then decided I hadn't been doing well enough to graduate with enough credits and could be delayed the following year. They weren't going to hold me back unless I failed, but they refused to give me my credits for anything. So I said fuck it, I'm leaving. You could say that I dropped out. I never will have a high school diploma.

But I got my ass in gear. I applied for a GED test early September. I studied a bit, and before I knew it, I woke up that morning of the test, two weeks later. Instead of being intimated by the "what if"s, I told myself "I've got four tests to pass, let's get it done. You got this." And so I took the tests--four in two days, on computer in a monitored testing office, on my own. I kept cool and calm with the mentality that I WOULD pass it. During the math test, I was afraid, but I just told myself not to panic and to do what I needed to get it done.

And I passed all four in one go. My GED diploma was emailed to me two days later. I did it. I'm no longer in school. I'm preparing for college, next fall.

Fear did not hold me back. I fucking owned that shit with everything I had.

I'm Literally Lighter
Okay, I was always chubby. Well, from about 6 years and onwards. But when I started hearing voices and wasn't able to sleep, five years ago, I was put on a very heavy medication called Seroquel (sometimes called Quetiapine), which is a heavy sleeping pill and was also used for me to treat Schizophrenia. The biggest side effect is weight gain. Not only from the pill itself, but because it makes you eat like no tomorrow.

Well, I ate constantly. Everyday. All day. When I wasn't knocked out from that pill, I was eating. Everything. I always ate those unhealthy snack cakes and Oreos and ice cream bars and literally anything I could get my hands on that would not make my throat swell up. I remember waking up in the afternoon and frying some frozen nuggets and fries, almost everyday. Then I would just eat snack cakes and chips until dinner, which was more fried shit.

I gained a ton of weight. I mean, I wasn't GIGANTIC or anything--I could still fit into clothes at regular stores and not "plus size" stores. But I was a teenager and couldn't fit into teens clothing. All those clothes every other girl had, I couldn't wear. I hated myself. Not going into numbers, but I felt like a whale.