When Two Worlds Collide

Chapter 9

Sedayne 2002 – All Time Low

Sedayne wakes up for the fifth morning in a row wishing she had died in her sleep. She is still trying to get her head around why she is feeling this way. She loves her job, Paul is great, she gets to buy all the clothes and shoes she wants, she goes out every Friday and Saturday night, her best friend lives across the road, but despite all this there is this little voice in her head telling her she is rubbish at her job, ugly, fat, useless, and her life is bullshit. She has been trying hard to ignore the voice but it keeps getting louder and she is now seriously doubting herself and rapidly losing her confidence, and at work she thinks that her work colleagues are conspiring against her, making her unable to do her job properly. Paul walks in to the bedroom already dressed for work, “are you not feeling well today baby?” Despite how Sedayne has been feeling she has forced herself to get up in the morning and go to work every day, but today she feels defeated and drained. She has not told Paul how she has been feeling either, and because she is not her usual self of being up, ready and firing on all cylinders at this time of day, Paul automatically assumes that she is unwell.  Sedayne fights back tears “no I am not feeling too good at all, I’m going to take the day off and go to the doctors”. Paul walks over and gives her a kiss before leaving for work. Sedayne picks up her mobile off the nightstands and books herself an appointment at the doctors. She goes into the bathroom, brushes her teeth then she drags on a tracksuit and trainers. She walks slowly to the doctors, feeling like the world is on her shoulders. She hasn’t really been a smoker but right now she wishes she had a cigarette. Sedayne walks into the doctor’s surgery, checks in at reception and sits in the waiting room, waiting for her name to be called. She looks around the room, there is no one here her age just a few elderly people. She picks up one of the magazines and starts turning the pages. Beep. She sees her name on the patient call system. As soon as she sits down in the doctor’s office she bursts into tears and cries her eyes out. The doctor hands her a box of tissues “may i ask why you are crying” she looks up at the doctor, he has a head full of white hair and is wearing metal rimmed glasses and his voice his full of concern. “i, i don’t know, i just feel sad all the time and i keep hearing these voices” she splutters fresh tears stream down from her eyes. “Okay, i am going to sign you off work for a while and send you round the corner to Southbrooke Road mental health team, they will be able to prescribe you with the correct medication, and i want you to come back and see me in two weeks”, he gives her the sick certificate. Sedayne nods her head. He then phones Southbrooke road mental health to let them know she is coming.

She leaves Southbrooke Road feeling slightly better. There will be a team of people who will to her house to see her 4 days a week, to see how she is doing and give her medication, because she was now on suicide watch and it was either this or be admitted! She laughs when she remembers that the consultant has prescribed her the same medicine her mother takes. Like mother like daughter, she thinks bitterly to herself. When she gets back home she phones work agreeing to send in a copy of her sick cert. She relaxes a bit more knowing that the burden of going to work has been temporarily lifted. She spends the remainder of the day on the couch watching TV. When Pauls gets home he is tipsy and high of weed. He plants a sloppy kiss on her cheek, “hey baby, feeling any better?” She shakes her head no, she enjoying her TV programme too much to stop and talk to him now, especially when he is in this state. Paul sits down beside her and promptly falls asleep.

For the next six weeks Sedayne stays at home signed off sick from work. She spends her days watching sleeping, crying her heart out and occasionally watches TV when she manages to stay awake long enough from being drugged up to the eyeballs. Paul has taken a week off work to be with her. She had to confess all to him when the Southbrooke Road team first came round to visit her to see how she was and give her some pills. Sedayne is glad that Paul has been at home with her and is really enjoying the quality time they are spending together, especially because Paul hasn’t had a drink or smoked weed all week. Today they have spent the day making love on the living room floor, watching movies and eating food in between. Sedayne falls asleep after one last love making sesh, feeling happier than she has been in a long time.

Two weeks later Sedayne is slowly starting to feel better. The voices have quietened down and she is almost back to functioning as normal. The door bell rings and Sedayne opens the door for her department manager Phil and the head administrator Gillian. They have come over to visit her because they have concerns about the amount of time she has had off work. “hi” she greets them meekly “come through”. She shows them to the living and sits them indicating that they can do the same. She looks at the both of them waiting for them to speak; they look at her expecting her to do the same. When things uncomfortable Gillian breaks the silence. “It’s a long way for you to travel to get to work every day”, looking over at Phil. Sedayne has to think for a minute “it’s not that bad, only an hour each way” her voice comes out small as if she is afraid of something. “so anyway, we have been receiving your sick certificates for a while now and we wanted to know when you would be ready to come back to work?” Gillian pips up speaking to her as if she were a child. “i, i don’t know, when i start to feel better is pose” Sedayne does not look at them when she answers and just stares down at the floor. Phil clears his throat “well in that case we need to know your password for your pc so we can get access to your work, because we are planning to get a temp in” Sedayne wants to cry and furrows her brows to hold back the tears. What are they trying to insinuate here? I know they can’t fire me because i am off ill, but maybe they are trying to push me out? Well, no I am not leaving and this isn’t fair she thinks to herself, and surely they could of just asked Steve the it guy to unlock her pc?, anyway i delete all non work related emails and stuff so i don’t have anything to hide. She gives them her password and they both stand up to leave. They both have cold heartless looks in their eyes, when she looks up at them “we hope you come back to work soon” Phil says “yes and let us know when you are going too, wont you? Oh and i must inform you that after this month you will only receive statutory sick pay” Gillian informs her. Sedayne’s eyes bulge out of her head, stat sick pay, oh fuck i have rent and bills to pay, i cant live off that crap, oh my gosh oh my gosh. Sedayne’s mind is racing round with thoughts “well we best be going then, bye” Gillian says and follows Phil out of the room. Sedayne doesn’t move and they let themselves out. Sedayne curls up into a tight ball and cries herself to sleep, waking up when Paul gets home from work. “Baby don’t worry, my pay can cover things until your back on your feet” Paul assures her looking at her with concern. When he had woke her up she had started crying all over again as she told him about what Gillian and Phil had said. “come on lets get you to bed” he picks her up and carries her to the bedroom and tucking her in. She immediately falls back to sleep.