FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ON WATTPAD - RANT!

Perfect twats

The fucking bios at the start of every fucking novel.

Violet Applebottom Jellycakes is a shy, quiet girl with brown hair and blonde eyes and a grey moustache and black chin hair and red nose hair and freckles in her eyes and eyelashes as long as her pubes and boobs as large as texas.

*Insert name of typical novel guy* something like Harry Styles or Justin Bieber. Hustin is a loud obnoxious rude egocentric self centred asshole with thirty eight nipple piercings and fourteen tongue piercings and has twelve tattoos on his dick. 

IF YOU ARE A SHIT ENOUGH AUTHOR THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CHARACTER BIO AT THE START OF YOUR NOVEL, GET THE FUCK OFF WATTPAD. YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING CHARACTER FUCKING BIO. DID YOU SEE FUCKING WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WRITING A FUCKING BIO FOR HIS FUCKING CHARACTERS? SHAKESPEARE DIDN'T FUCKING DESCRIBE JULIET AS A BLONDE BITCH WHO HAS LESS BRAIN CELLS THAN BREAST TISSUE. 

Fuck my life. Seriously, if you can't describe their personalities and their looks and all of their fucknig dick tattoos in the actual fucking story, don't write. Nobody wants a fucking bio at the start. Books are meant to be written with details interlaced into the fucking novel so that the character is built up throughout the story.

And another thing, don't fucking perfect the characters, because that leaves no space for character improvement. The most crucial thing for relatable characters is having flaws that they improve on throughout the story. Look at any classic story and you'll see what I mean. In Great Expectations Pip didn't act like a fucking princess throughout the whole damn novel. He became a right old t.wat and eventually improved himself. That's what made us like that loveable little asshole. 

You need to sort your shit out. Are you fucking perfect? Are your friends or your family perfect? Do you know ANYONE that is perfect? (And don't fucking say One Direction because I will slap you so hard that you go flying into next week. You don't fucking know one direction personally because they're not your fucking family or some shit, you just see what they're like on TV or maybe you've met them in real life, but you do not know them personally enough to know what they're really like. You know how I know that? Because if you did know them that well, you'd know that they're not perfect, because it's physically impossible to be perfect).

Fucking hell, you guys need to sort this out. Stop with the bio's, and stop with the perfect people. Perfection doesn't exist and if you wanted to write a character bio, screw the novel you're writing, just write up a whole damn biography about a character that nobody gives a shit about.

 If you don't believe me about the character improvement, I'll use your language to explain it to you - read After. Is Harry perfect? No. Is Tessa perfect? No. Are Liam, Louis, Niall, Zayn, Tessa's Mum, Tessa's dad, Harry's Mum, Harry's dad (all of them, really) and all the other fucking characters perfect? NO. Harry's mum fucks his dad's best friend, his real dad isn't his supposed dad, his supposed dad doesn't know he's not his real dad, his real dad fucks his best friend's wife, Tessa's dad OD's, and Tessa's mum is a b.itch I mean let's be honest. Are they perfect. NOOOOOOO. But that's why we remember them. Even though Tessa's dad was a mess, we sympathized with him. Even though her mum is so fucking irritating, we understand her because her character is developed. Tessa's a bit of a mess too, but we learn to love her. Harry's just beyond the confines of the definition of the word 'mess', but he's like Pip. He's a loveable dickhead. Everyone does something wrong at one point, even Liam. Everyone has bad characteristics, but that's what makes them fucking human. It makes them believable. So please, authors who write about perfect characters, take a seat. Learn from talented authors like Anna Todd or classic authors like Dickens. Imperfections make your characters dimensional.

Subtle racism: sitting 'indian style'. I had no idea that an entire race had a designated style of sitting. that's like saying all white guys fuck missionary style and don't know how to do anything else. 

Sentence structure:

This is not

A fucking story

This

Is a fucking poem

This is not

How sentence structure works

In a story

Stories have fucking paragraphs

Use paragaphs

Stop pressing enter

Every fucking time

You write a new sentence

Absolute fucktard.

The profiles: Those people that think their 'bio' section on wattpad is meant to be an actual fu.cking biography. It's not. You write a little bit about yourself and move the fuck on. I completely understand wanting to write about yourself in your bio, but for fuck's sake, nobody goes on your profile to learn everything about you. It's boring and no-one reads it. When you meet a new person in real life, do you start telling them your life story? No? So then don't do it online -_-

 Fucking stuck up bitches. You know, I hardly ever say no to anything. There are a lot of genres of stories that I found on wattpad that I wasn't particularly keen on, but I sampled everything. Story about a rape victim? Read it. Didn't like it, but I read the damn thing to give it a chance.

There was a poem disguised as a story. It was the wierdest format of story I'd ever seen, but instead of clicking away, I read the whole thing and I cried at the end because it's one of the best stories I've ever read.

See that's the thing, you have to give different things a chance. You can't grow and mature if you just sit inside your little comfort zone and don't venture out. I mean it took me three years to get accustomed to fanfics, and now I'm writing a bloody fanfic just to prove that I can in fact adapt to different styles of novels.

The point is, I didn't act like a fucking stuck up bitch who's like "oh well I don't like fanfics, or non-fiction, action stories, poetry, teen fiction, adventure novels, mysteries, thrillers, humour, sci fi or classics." You know why you shouldn't do that? Cause you'll find just a few stories that fit your list of requirements and you'll never learn about anything else. Stop being so stuck up and give it a chance. I read a story that was so fucked up, I was confused about life for a full two weeks after reading it. It was messed up and I wouldn't read it again, but it was so well written and it taught me a lot.

Literally, girls tell me all the time on wattpad "omg becky don't you think it's SOOOOooOoOoooO creepy how some people write werewolf stories about 5sos?" no. no it's not. people want to write what they want to write. do I agree with all the stories on wattpad? No. Would I read all the stories on wattpad? I'd try. Try to be a little open minded. There's a difference between disliking a story and disliking a stereotype. Disliking a story means seeing a story about a girl who writes about being raped and says she enjoyed it, which shows that she clearly knows nothing about the sensitive topics that she's writing about. Disliking a genre means bashing on something like vampire stories or whatever people are into these days, just because it's what 'everyone' reads and that's just SO totally not your style. Don't be a fucking hispter. Not even hipsters like hipsters.

Ok I think I'm done venting today. The next chapter will have a special inclusion from a reader ^_^ If you'd like to add anything to my rants, feel free to send me a message and I'll include it in this book, along with dedicating that chapter to you :)