FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ON WATTPAD - RANT!

More nakedness and illiteracy

I added a cast list to the previous chapter ;) 

Part 3, you guys must really be pissed to read this far. Let's all take a deep breath before reading on to vent out our frustrations.

Unimaginative Descriptions. I swear every fucking description (blurb) starts out with "my name is jimminy billy bob junior and I have blonde hair blue eyes a brown weave white skin red lips pink eyelashes large earlobes big tits long fingernails scaly skin rusty breath long toes jiggly love handles thick pubic hair' and so on and so forth. Is it really so hard to be a tad bit more inventive? You could have said "I flicked my ratty ass brunette weave away from the scaly skin the covered my forehead; as I surveyed the hot piece of ass I liked to call Mr. Smith - my physics teacher'. Work the descriptions into the stories.

Falling in love with teachers. If this happened in real life, I would say one thing and one thing only: NO. NO, NO. NO. 

Ok so maybe that's a few things. My point being: It's illegal, It's disgusting, It's immoral and it's frowned upon. He's overaged and the protagonist is usually underaged or barely just of age. He's usually in his thirties which makes it all the more sick and twisted and he's also usually married, which renders you as a home wrecking whore. Further to that, he could go to prison and lose his job and having his teaching license taken away from him, alongside his family leaving him and his collegues looking down on him - basically losing everything that he's worked for since he was younger, all because you couldn't keep it in your pants. 

 You nasty bitch.

Unnecessary descriptions. For fuck's sake why are you telling us what hue of magnolia the fucking blinds are? We don't CARE! It's like in every story, the protagonist wakes up and there's some bullshit paragraph like "I gazed in awe as I watched the beautiful, magnificient, extraordinary, out of the ordinary sunset set in front of my eyes. It was just so beautiful. I reached up, noticing that my talons had grown longer and chuckled softly to mself. "Maybe I should cut my ratty nails" I whispered to no-one in particular. I smiled sadly, longingly, deeply, wistfully, remorsefully at the magnolia coloured curtains that were tinted a deeper shade now that the irrelevant sun had set. Oh how I wish I had friends. Maybe I would if I was beautiful, but looking like Lucy Hale just wasn't enough for me. I also owned the hottest bad boy, drug dealing, gun owning, fight starting, sex god that looked exactly like Alex Pettyfer. He also ran around after me confessing his love for me and only me; even though there were multiple easy ho's in school that would please him much more than I would... but that just wasn't enough for me. I turned quickly to Tumblr, deciding to tell my online journal about my deep, dark, sorrowful first world problems."

I realize that, gramatically, a lot of that paragraph did not make sense. It wasn't supposed to. It was a sattirical piece. 

But really, that whole paragraph could be summed up to "I hate my life. I'm so ugly. The Alex Pettyfer look alike happens to be in love with me." Literally, that wasn't even three proper sentences. See how taking out the fucking curtain colour didn't make a difference? The story still got it's point across without us knowing that the sunset was out of the ordinary.

The damsel in distress. It's the 21st century for God's sake, pull your shit together! There was one story where a multitude of 'mean bitchy girls' were bullying the main character and she just sat there and took it. I admit, if it was me I wouldn't punch the girls in the face, but I'd still attack them verbally so harshly that they'll go home crying. If they're gonna dish it out, don't stand there and just take it like a little girl. Defend yourself for God's sake.