One Small Step | ✔

Letting Thoughts Run

I never run into Soren at school
or ever in town.
It's like he vanished
just like Adam's mother.

Either that,
or he was playing with me.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Why would such a cute boy want me?

I haven't made any friends either.
usually in class,
I sit in the corner,
doodling.

No one talks to me,
but 
everyone stares
and whispers about me.

Tate is leaving town today,
but a few hours before he does,
he says,
"Lulu, let's go somewhere."

Understanding why, I agree.
Little do I understand what Tate does.
Usually I roll my eyes at him.
But this time I do.

Everything is as peaceful as it was last time.
Almost as if nothing changes in a week.
Realizing that everything changes in a week.
Makes the world come crashing down on me.

I take him on the trail.
I would be lying if I say to you, reader,
that I'm not hoping to find Soren.
So we stop at the point I stopped at.

My brother sits down on the bench,
far away from the edge.
"Everything is so peaceful here."
He says.

I stare at him warily.
Tate has never been one for small talk.
When a few minutes of silence ensues,
he sighs and says,

"Lulu, I've found you a therapist."
I groan but I don't protest.
I might be the first teenager to say,
I'm actually going to grateful for this.

"It's not your usual shrink, I promise you."
My brother adds hastily.
"I know how much you love art and music.
This is therapy using music and art."

I still don't say anything,
And Tate takes my silence as disagreement.
"I'm sorry, Tallulah.
But I can't lose you too."

His voice cracks
and I turn around to find him
crying.
Opening the dam.

I am really quite shocked.
My brother is already twenty-one,
and until today,
I have seen him cry only once.

The first time was at
Carina's funeral.
He cried at Mom's, of course,
but I didn't see it.

They're ugly sobs,
Ambrose would have already
slapped him if he were here.
"Man up," he would say.

I wish he would stop.
Be quiet.
I want to yell.
Can't you see that all I want is to not feel it either?

Carina's gone.
Adam's gone.
My mother, I never knew.
My father, distant and a recluse.

I don't have anything here.
Not one thing.
Tate will leave in a matter of days.
I am alone.

Alone,
        Alone,
                Forever
                           Alone

But I steel myself and say instead,
pushing myself away from depression,
"We all miss her,
and I have no intention of going anywhere."

I try to smile at him.
But on the inside,
I say to myself,
for now.

False promises.
I wish,
I didn't have 
to make them.

Tate wipes away the tears,
"I know,
I'm sorry, Lu,"
he gathers me in his arms again,

Pulling me in for a hug,
resting his chin on my head.
"Stay strong, little sister. Don't leave me."
He whispers, choked.

I wish I could respond,
promise him I wouldn't,
but nothing is guaranteed,
not even Fate can guarantee it.

So instead,
I remain silent.
burying my head,
Into my brother's chest.

Letting the pain, grief, thoughts run wild in my head. Only I and I alone know what I'm thinking. And I can't stop these thoughts.