One Small Step | ✔

It's Always There Just Look

Aunt Margaret calls the school
the next day,
telling them I'm sick.
So we can go visit Cassidy and Carina.

They're set up next to each other,
side by side.
We bought flowers on the way,
For ghosts.

I fidget
in my black dress,
but at least I got to wear my
black canvas shoes.

My brothers
stand all in black
next to me,
all of them equally uncomfortable.

Dad stares straight ahead at
Cassidy's name, birth date and death date.
His lips shape words,
but he gives no voice to them.

Margaret is the only who looks
at ease.
There's a soft smile on her lips,
and she lays the flowers down.

There's a
moment
of
silence.

As the closest to Cassidy,
Aunt Margaret goes first.
"Hi, Cass,"
She says softly.

"Look at Tallulah.
She's all grown up now.
Fifteen years ago,
you saw her as a baby, but now..."

Suddenly
Aunt Margaret falters.
Something flashes on her face
and then,

A tear makes its way down.
"How have you been?
I suppose you're not lonely,
with Mom, Dad and Carina with you."

She wipes her eye quickly.
"We're doing okay,
I suppose,
all of the family is grown-up now."

She steps back and gestures to Dad,
who shakes his head and points to
Ambrose.
He looks at the grave and sits in front of it.

"Hey, Mom, it's me, Ambrose.
When I was in third grade,
you had to explain to me
why people fought so much."

Ambrose laughs uncomfortably.
"I'm twenty-eight now
and I still don't understand people.
but I have a degree in psychology."

He looks at Carina's grave and back.
"Carina is gone,
but I hope Jacob, Tate,
Tallulah and me can still make you proud."

Jacob clears his throat.
"Uh, hi
Mom,"
He begins awkwardly.

"I guess I've been studying hard
University is tough.
But I think I'll manage to graduate."
Jacob says.

When Jacob was in grade one,
he nearly flunked it.
He couldn't read or spell
because he is dyslexic.

Apparently Cassidy just laughed.
She told him,
"If you try, you'll get there one day,
Jake."

Jacob gestures to Tate who leans down
and whispers something inaudible.
and then
it's my turn.

Like Tate,
I want my privacy,
so I clear my throat and ask,
"Could I have a minute alone?"

My aunt nods understandingly.
"We'll be by the car. Just come back
when you're ready."
But then my dad clears his throat.

"Do you mind if I go first then?"
Startled,
I look at him
and give him mute nod.

"I've failed you, Cass.
Life isn't the same without you,
and I'm reminded of you everyday
by the children."

His voice
is heavy
with anguish
and regret.

He bends down and whispers something,
tracing her name on the headstone.
Then he stands
and walks back without looking at us.

Margaret leads them back to the car
and I sit in front of the grave.
"Cassidy."
I say, feeling awkward.

"I don't know you.
I'm your daughter but I don't know you."
Resentment rises in me
and I stop.

"If you see Carina,
ask her why.
I don't suppose you know
Adam too."