One Small Step | ✔

Secrets

I've been here at Adam's for
six days already. 
Going through all that he left behind.
Tomorrow, Ambrose picks me up.

There's nothing I didn't expect.
Everything I find,
is every bit of the Adam
pre-suicide.

We're clearing out his room.
Some things, like Adam's music,
laptop and soccer hoodie,
Diana gives to me.

Others,
like most of his clothes, and
some of his books
are going to charity.

Diana and I look through
all of Adam's albums, 
notebooks, even his closet.
It feels like a violation of his privacy.

Diana assures me he wouldn't mind
and I know she's not lying
but 
still.

Adam was never the type of person
to hide things from his best friend.
He couldn't,
really.

When his father abused him
or even yelled at him,
he'd come stay at my house.
I knew about it every time.

All the girls he dated,
he mentioned them to me.
All the parties he went to,
he asked me to go to as well.

It didn't matter
to him.
that I might not care
that I might not want to go.

He simply wanted to have no
secrets between us.
He wanted to make
me feel included.

And then the year
before Adam's death,
he changed.
How stupid of me not to realize.

He kept all these
secrets to himself.
And I never asked.
I never knew.

I mention this to Diana and she gives me
a disapproving look.
"I'm telling you, Tally. It's not your fault.
Secrets can't be given up. They're shared."

Diana and I are digging through his
big box of sketchbooks.
"I'm going to go get some juice,"
she says.

I absently dig
through the box
going through the
memories of last year.

I remember how he
would answer my questions
almost picking and choosing his answers
carefully.

Adam could never lie to me
but he had no
problem picking and choosing
when he thought it was to protect me.

I remember how his brown eyes were a 
little dull,
his appetite reduced to the size of mine.
I remember his anger growing worse.

And yet,
I never called him out on it,
I never demanded to know what was up.
I'm such a terrible friend.

I focus on
looking through the box
when I find a blue notebook
with a yellow post-it on it.

TALLULAH.
It's my name in
Adam's big, messy
scrawl.

Opening it,
there's a
note inside
for me.

Dear Tal,
I have a feeling you're going 
to end up with
this.

I flip to the next page
and realize
it's a journal.
Beginning on January the first.

        New Year's Resolution. This is the first time and probably the last time I'll ever make one. I have a feeling this year isn't going to be a pretty one. Especially if Dad is as stoned and drunk as he was last night. Guess Grandma and Grandpa Bishop chose his name well. 

        I guess, my resolution is to stay alive and get through the school year. And if I can't manage that, then to keep this journal going. Just in case I decide. Tal would kill herself over it if she never found out why.

        Damn, I feel stupid. I'm a guy. Guys don't do touchy-feely stuff. They don't keep diaries, that's for sure. Alright, I'll call this my autobiography. Sue me for having a big ego.

        People say life gets better. Show me the proof. Tallulah, if you're reading this, I guess, I'm sorry. But I'm so frickin' angry at myself, at your dad, at mine. Hell, at the world. Don't scowl at my words Tal, I've already toned it down a lot.

As angry as he was,
he still considered
how much I hated 
cuss words.

Diana walks back in
with two glasses of lemonade.
Her smile is wry
as she recognizes his writing.

"Dear god,
his handwriting was a mess.
However do you read it,
Tally?"

I shrug
and ask her,
"Diana, do you mind
if I take this with me tomorrow?"

She's quick to shake her head.
"Tally, I believe if Adam was here
he'd thrust everything he cherished
into your hands before I could open my mouth."

I give her a small smile
and she hands me my glass of lemonade.
"Although, I'm not sure you'd want everything
though," she says, holding up his lucky socks.

I wrinkle my nose in disgust
and she laughs before removing them 
from the room
and into the dump.

It's funny how she can
so willingly toss away
a piece of
Adam's life.

Carina's belongings
are all boxed up in
Aunt Margaret's 
attic.

No one dares to go through them,
for fear of remembering,
for fear of 
The Truth.

Diana and I finally
finish going through
Adam's stuff
around three p.m.

So we go and sit
at the kitchen table
and have a little
chat over cookies.

"Diana,"
I begin
"How do you stand living
here every day?"

"Because I'm one of those 
people who believe
that we're happiest
when our loved ones are around us."

I'm confused but she
goes on to clarify.
"Adam might not be here in person,
but all his memories are here."

"Isn't it lonely?"
I say. She shakes her head,
"I needed a little time alone and you
came in, just when I needed someone."

She suddenly leans forward and says
"Look at me, Tallulah."
I do, meeting her brown eyes
with my own.

"People need to be alone.
But they also need people.
Don't shut people out, Tally
because that's a mistake.

"Carina and Adam wanted to protect you,
and by doing that,
they shouldered a burden they didn't have to.
You are strong, Tally. You are capable."

Diana's words are firm and her 
eyes are in earnest.
"But don't hesitate to ask for
help."

The door bell rings. Me 
and Diana run to open the door.
She greets my brother with
a wide smile.

"Ambrose, how have you been?"
She asks, opening the door wider
for him to step through.
He gives her a tight smile.

"Thanks for taking care of
Tallulah, this week,
Mrs. Bishop."
Ambrose says instead.

Diana scoffs.
"Diana or Mrs. Spinner.
I am not a Bishop."
Then her features soften.

"Take care of your family,
Ambrose. Don't let any of
them escape without
your attention."

Ambrose's jaw clenches
but he replies,
"I try my best, Mrs. Spinner."
He's taken it the wrong way.

I grab my backpack
filled with the stuff
Diana gave me from Adam
and follow my brother out.

We ride back to our house in silence,
secrets hanging in the air between us.
But I left Adam's house
with more than one lesson.

If there
was anything
I learned,
secrets are shared not given up.

When Ambrose is ready, he'll tell me, just like Adam's journal is sharing his secrets with me.