One Small Step | ✔

Miracle

I pay another visit
to my sister
and my best friend
with Roman.

This time,
none of my family comes.
It's just me
and Roman.

Roman's father
just got him a car
and so I ask if he
can take me there.

He agrees
without
the slightest
hint of hesitaton.

It's a somber drive there,
but there's no tension.
Roman laces his fingers
with mine. It's comforting.

The rain pours on and on,
as if it's mourning with us.
But there's no need for it to
be so sad.

We stand there, under
a black umbrella,
me in a black dress,
him in jeans and a dress shirt

We
stare
at
the headstone

"Hi,
Carina
I brought a friend today.
His name is Roman."

My voice is small,
as the rain splashes
the umbrella
loudly.

"Actually," Roman interrupts,
a smile on his lips
"I'm her boyfriend."
I give him a nudge.

I tell her about Dara,
about my life.
About how much
I've changed because of her.

And then
I say
my
final farewell.

"You've made me who I am today.
For that I will never forget you.
I will always be eternally grateful.
And I will always, always, love you."

A few rows away,
deep in the ground,
are Adam's ashes.
We stare at his headstone as well.

I introduce Roman as my boyfriend
giving him a sideways glance,
and tell Adam the crazy stories about him.
I reminisce alone, about our friendship.

I laugh about Micah,
the time he made a fool
about himself in front of Kelly.
And I smile through the story of meeting him.

And, here in front of Adam,
I take out his journal
and read the page I was saving
out loud.

It's messy,
the writing hurried.
Words are crossed out
every so often.

Just looking at this,
I struggle with the
tears and the grief,
but I manage.

Dear Tallulah,

Remember the day we met? You were impossibly shy, easy to impress, and absolutely beautiful. I've always thought that. Your flaws all but made you my best friend, and the one person I ever truly loved. If there was any reason for me to ever live on this godforsaken planet, you would be it. Understanding, observant, and thoughtful, you were the one good in my otherwise terrible life.

I have a confession to make. A big one. I made a vow, when we were fourteen, that is forever stay sober, forever live straight-edged. For a while, I thought that I able to keep that promise. that I was able to party but remember who I was. And yet, two weeks ago, I found myself unable to stand up straight with a killer hangover. But it felt good. It felt good to not remember. It felt good to just throw myself out there. It felt amazing to just let go. I'm starting to become like him, Tal. The one person I despise. The need for escape overwhelms me. And I guess, I guess that's why this is so important. This is the choice I made and I'm sticking to it. I'm sorry. But this is I want you to remember.

Tallulah Brooke Bay, you are my best friend and I have always loved you, probably more than you love me, and I know I'm very lovable. You have so much potential, you're such a good person, and yet you fold into yourself. Find the courage and be who you are. Don't lie to yourself. Find yourself. I never could and I've searched high and low and I'm too tired of running in circles. I was never good at running in circles anyway. But you, I have faith that you will.

P.S. If anyone ever asks how good at running I was, remember to tell them I was spectacular.

Love always,

Your crazy, insanely awesome best friend,

Adam Bishop

I'm
laughing,
and crying
at the same time.

As I read the final page,
neither of us notice
a woman, clad in black
approach.

"Tallulah?"
It's Diana.
"Hi," I say,
brushing away tears.

She notices Roman beside me.
"Hello, I'm Diana. I'm Adam's-"
she stops and corrects herself.
"I was Adam's mother."

Roman extends his hand,
"I'm Roman, Tallulah's friend."
I give him a subtle look and he shrugs
slightly. Always considerate.

A look at Diana proves
she's not convinced.
"Boyfriend,"
she supplies.

He ducks his head and
Diana gives a little laugh.
"I know my son wouldn't mind.
He'd have just wanted to see her happy."

I step up to Diana
and hug her tight.
"Thank you."
I whisper.

She hugs me,
with the same
ferocity.
"Anything you need."

I offer her the journal
but she pushes it back to me.
"Adam intended for you to know,
Keep it."

"But-" I start.
She looks me in the eye and says,
"Maybe one day I'll want to know,
but until then, keep it safe for me, Tallulah."

Roman shifts next to me and
I look at him.
He's looking at me
with an odd expression.

"What?"
I ask him,
utterly
confused.

He looks at me,
looks at Diana with
a soft smile
on his face.

Then he looks
at the empty
space behind
Diana.

There's an expression
on his face
that I can't
decipher.

But he says,
still staring at
the empty space
"Adam approves."

Diana whirls around
while I look at the space
behind her,
slack-jawed.

"Adam?" she whimpers.
My boyfriend
shakes his head.
"He's gone."

And yet,
a smile
remains on his
face.

It's so
inappropriate
at a time
like this.

I nudge him gently.
"What are you smiling about?"
but he shakes his head again.
"Maybe one day I'll tell you."

But then Diana
smiles too,
relaxed.
"I think he's forgiven me."

I lean into Roman
and he wraps an arm around me.
"Okay?" he asks, kissing my forehead.
I nod.

It's a miracle we live in this miserable world, content like I am right at this moment.