One Small Step | ✔

I'm in my hotel room now,
face down in bed,
covers above my head.
I'm shaking with tears.

Tate's words have hit me hard.
For the past weeks,
I pushed the two of them
out of my mind.

The two of them
took the easy way out
and for that
they died.

I don't want to do that.
Maybe, once I did.
But now,
I realize there's too much to live for.

Family.
Friends.
Happiness.
The full story.

And just like that,
the tears stop.
So much
to live for.

All the positive
things flood
and push the
negative thoughts out.

A knock sounds,
right
on
time.

"Tallulah?"
It's a soft voice
that doesn't belong
to any of my family members.

It's
Roman's mother.
It's
Jean Olsen.

"Can I come in?"
she inquires
and I quickly wipe the tears away,
"Come in."

My voice is absolutely
hoarse,
and my face is terrifying
but I don't care.

"How are you holding up?"
she asks, closing the door.
Her blond hair is in a bun,
her blue eyes sympathetic.

"Okay." I answer.
But
she doesn't believe me.
"Mm-hmm," she says.

"Tallulah, it's my turn
to tell a story
and it's your turn to listen,"
she starts, sitting on my bed.

"My husband's brother died
in a lab accident
when Soren
was nearly nine.

"Elias was devastated.
He and his brother were extremely close
like Roman and Soren.
Soren's mother was shattered.

"Me. I was torn as well.
You see, Tallulah,
I loved him.
Soren's father, I loved him."

I look up at her
when I hear her voice crack.
Her face is open,
vunerable.

"All my life, as much
as I hated it,
I loved Eli's brother.
I'm ashamed to admit it."

This is a side
to Jean
that I have
never seen.

"I wanted to comfort
Soren's mother,
but I wanted to
hurt her.

"She had him,
she might have
lost him,
but she had him.

"I was broken
and I wanted to die.
And a few months later.
She did. Soren's mother died."

Tears stream down
her face
and she wipes them
away with her hand.

"The day she died,
I realized what I had.
Elias and Roman.
And now I had my nephew too.

"I had to stay strong.
Soren had to live.
And I would make sure
he would live longer than his father did."

"Imagine how devastated I was
when I found Soren.
I had failed in my own mission.
My life goal for Soren.

"I was miserable,
but Roman needed someone too.
Roman wasn't great
at making friends.

"Elias threw himself into his work.
And me,
I threw myself at my job as well.
Being a mother.

"It was only half-way through doing
my job that I realized,
I was living for
the wrong reason.

"You live for others,
live for happiness and love,
even though they can also
cause the greatest pain.

"But, you also live for yourself.
You live to understand
who you are.
Live to find out who you want to be.

"And I realized that day.
I had to let Soren's father go
so I could truly understand
who I am.

"You have to let
Carina and Adam go,
so you can take that step
and find who you are.

"It's not easy.
But you will never
find out who you are
if you don't challenge yourself."

"Who knew you were so
philosophical?"
I manage to
get out. She laughs.

"Roman, Soren, and Elias
get these speeches
constantly. Especially
after Soren's near death experience."

"Do you get it?"
she asks me.
I nod.
"I think so."

"No. That's not good enough.
Do you get it?"
she asks persistently.
Her blue eyes are insistent.

I think for a moment.
I have to find myself.
Not Carina and Adam.
Myself.

"Yes. Yes I do."
I say and she hugs me,
"That's it, sweetie."
I hug her too.

"Are you ready to come out
of here? she says.
"Give me a few minutes.
I have to think this through."

"Life moves too fast to
think through,
but I understand."
She pats my knee and leaves me be.

Who
am
I
really?

I was
Carina's little sister.
I was
Adam's best friend.

I was the sad girl
whose best friend
and sister
committed suicide.

But those are titles.
They don't describe me.
I am the little sister,
the best friend.

But
they
are not
me.

I am Tallulah Bay,
the seventeen-year old Bay,
little sister to three brothers
and a sister-in-law.

I am Tallulah Bay,
a friend
of the Olsens
and Roman's girlfriend.

But I
am more
than
just that.

I
am
Tallulah
Bay.

I don't know
who I am,
but it's time
to find myself.

It's time
to take a step
into the unknown
to find myself.

It's time to take the one small step forward and be me.