One Small Step | ✔

We're All In This Together.

Dad is making an effort.
He's talking at dinner,
he's going to job interviews.
He's getting to know his future daughter-in-law.

Our family is starting to pick up our shattered pieces.
It's a team effort.
Dad's started.
Now it's Jacob's turn.

Jacob and I are standing in line
at Starbucks.
He's decided to try,
like Dad.

He surveys the room,
"Why is this place so filled?
I thought small towns were
supposed to be anti-big brands."

"Fictional small towns,"
I clarify.
"We are however,
anti-craziness."

"Look at you,"
he says.
"Referring to you as
part of this town."

We move up the line,
"But, you are not
anti-craziness."
My brother's right. I've grown used to crazy.

We place our order
and we sit in the
far corner,
away from the windows.

"So," he says carefully.
"How are you holding up?"
I give him a look that screams
really, Jacob?

"It's a legitimate question,"
he points out.
I sigh.
"I'm perfectly functioning."

"Are you happy?"
he asks and I give him
another strange look.
He returns it.

"I don't know, Jacob.
People make happiness
seem so..."
I search for the word.

"Simple," he finishes.
"But it's probably as complex
as any emotion."
"Right."

"You know Carina wouldn't
want you mourning
her forever, right?"
Jacob mentions the obvious.

"Moving on isn't as easy
as you make it sound."
I snap at him before
taking a sip of my drink.

"I'm not saying it's easy.
But Dad is doing it."
"After seventeen years,"
I mutter. He ignores it.

"You've got Roman,
and Soren understands both
points of view now."
My brother is on the roll.

"You've got Dara and Diana.
Margaret, the Olsens, Tate,
Ambrose. Hell, me and Dad too."
For once.

"You haven't been around
since you turned eighteen."
I argue and immediately
want to take it back.

"Sorry," I mumble,
seeing him wince.
He shakes his head,
"I deserved it."

But still, his brown eyes pierce mine.
"Seriously though, Tal.
I'm doing my part now,
how about you?"

"I've been trying, Jacob,
but it's not like I can just
forget her."
I say exasperatedly.

"I'm not talking about moving on
any more. I'm talking about living."
Jacob says, his elbows on his knees.
He looks me in the eyes.

"Aren't they the same thing?"
I say.
He shakes his head
adamantly.

"No. Living is enduring the pain
and making the most of life.
Being happy. Taking risks.
Loving. Remembering. That's living.

"Moving on is forgetting.
Letting everything go.
I'm not saying you should forget.
I'm not saying to just let everything go.

"Remember them.
Remember every detail about them,
their voices, their actions
and smile while doing it."

I stir my drink, avoiding
his gaze.
"Lulu, look at me,"
his voice is soft.

I'm thrown back to all those
panic attacks, his soft, gruff
voice calling my name back to
reality.

I take back what I said before.
Jacob isn't here just now.
He has always been here.
More than I realized.

"I'll live. I promise."
I say, voice strong.
This time, I mean the
promise.

His grin is full of relief, full of sunshine.
It's a grin I've seen on Tate a thousand times,
not nearly enough from Jacob.
But it's refreshing to see it.

We walk back to our house,
through the green forest,
hiding us from the blazing sun.
The summer heat is starting to get to me.

I'm flipping through a photo album
that Aunt Margaret found, looking
at pictures of my brothers and sister
holding me, cheery expressions on our faces.

Every picture, our family is slightly
frayed, but all of us are there.
And I come to the conclusion that it's not just them.
It's me too. I need to do my part.

I've been tricking myself into thinking
it's all their fault. They're the ones
who shattered our family,
who left. I'm right to blame them.

But I'm wrong. It might have been
them who left, but we're a family
and families are a team.
I'm as responsible as any of them.

I need to make an effort,
to pick up the pieces,
to help us all live,
not just move on.

What's that saying?
We're all in this
as one.
We're all in this

Together.

________

Cue the HSM