Ezra's Depression

Chapter 2

Ezra p.o.v

I woke up 5 in the morning. No one has wake up yet. I looked around the room. I stayed unmoved and I was just breathing. The worst thing when you have depression is to wake up. It can be so difficult some times. I can barely move or feel anything. The only thing that I can feel is sadness. It's like my mind and heart have locked out all the other feelings out of me and they have let only the sadness come in. And when I wake up the sadness doesn't let me move or feel anything else. When I am finally able to move it's difficult. It's like all the world's weight is on my chest. That's when the tears start to come out. They are silent, invisible to everyone else, like they don't exist. Then I am trying to act normal around the crew. I am using the toilet like everyone else. Sometimes I am having a bath. A cold bath. I am never using warm water. I want to make my bath as cold as can be. I want to feel the cold water on my skin. Sometimes it's the only thing I can feel in the morning. Then, I will try to eat something. Sometimes I am not even hungry but I am forcing my self to eat at least a few bites. When the crew asks why I don't eat much I am lying saying that on the streets I wasn't eating much so I am not used to eat much. They usually just nod and let it drop. I looked the clock. It's 6 the morning. I still can barely move but I have Jedi training in one hour. I took my note book. I started to write.

The most difficult part is to wake up the morning trying to forgetting what happened yesterday. Some times I just don't want to wake up. I didn't though that I will have to do it so soon but I just can't take it anymore. Today, me and Kanan are going to have training on the top of the Ghost. Like we did on our first lesson. You know, when we first met the inquisitor. And the ship will be flying! It's the perfect chance! I will make it seem like an accident. Like the first time! I will just fall when we are training and I will end up finally! Let's just hope that Kanan isn't going to save me with the force like the last time. What can go wrong?
I looked the clock. It was6:30. I heard Zeb groan and wake up. I hide the notebook. I guess it's time to get up too. Like I said, I try to act normal. I used the toilet and I had a cold bath. I was in good mood so I even smiled when I sat on the table like everyone else
Soon the pain will be over so why shouldn't I be happy? I even ate a little more today. Sabin hit my shoulder.

"I see that you finally started eating normally"

"Yeah, it seems I have"

"Nice" Kanan said who was hearing the conversation "because we have a training full day"

I smiled.
But what if he gets hurt if I die?
Is he going to forgive me?
Well it's too late to go back now.
Let's just hope that no one of them will got too hurt.
But why should they?
I am nothing.
I am pretty sure that they will be happy when I'm gone.
I feel so unloved.
So unwanted.
So alone.
So trapped.
So sad.
So tired.
So..... depressed.

"Ezra take you light saber and come on"

"I'll be right behind you Kanan"

I went on my room and I took my light saber. I sighed. I will soon be pain free. Finally!

I ran and I met Kanan on the top of the ship.

"OK. Today we are going to fight with our lightsabers. Alright?"

I nodded.

He ignited his lightsaber and I ignited mine. Our blades connected again and again. Mine while I was trying to go closer on the ship's end. Finally when I was close enough Kanan used the force to shove me back. It was a small shove but I tried to go as far as I could and thankfully I feel from the ship.

"EZRA!!!" I heard Kanan screaming but I didn't pay attention. I will be finally free. And with that I closed my eyes waiting for the death to take me away.