Ezra's Depression

Chapter 5

Kanan's p.o.v

I was waiting out of the surgery room. Ezra was inside and doctors were trying to get everything under control. It's been two hours since we arrived. The crew is not here yet and I'm worried about Ezra. A nurse came out of the room making me sat up from my sit.

"We want to inform you that the surgery will be finished in one hour"

"One hour? Can't you finish quicker? He's hurting and I can't do anything to stop it! I-I can't...."

"Please sir you need to calm down. Panic will not help at all"

"I-I can't loose him"

"I understand and I promise to do anything we can to save him. But now I need you to calm down"

I sat back down, I placed my forehead on my hands and I took some deep breaths.

"Thank you sir. Here" she said and handed me a little, brown notebook.

"It belongs to the boy, I think it's better to give it to you. You should read it, it mostly explains why he did what he did" she said and went back to the surgery room.

I looked at the notebook that was soaked with his blood. I took a deep breath and I opened it to find answers. I started reading the first page.

Sorry, it's my fault, it's always my fault but you don't need water to feel like you're drowning, right?

I was speechless. That was written 8 years ago. It has to be the day that the empire took his parents. He was just seven at the time. How can a kid in so young age to think those kind of things. I turned the pages.

I just don't care anymore.

It feels like a prison and the worst thing is that it's my own mind.

I don't like what I'm becoming.

This wasn't what I wanted to be, but no one can change something like that, because no one cares enough to do it. I'm a lost case.
Everything hurts.

I want to stop eating. I want to stop speaking. I want to stop smiling. But I'm afraid that someone will notice and do something stupid, like save me.

It hurts but it's okay... I'm used to it.

The pain it's the only thing that makes me feel alive.

I'm so sad that it physically hurts inside.

I'm not totally useless..... I can be used as a bad example.

I am just one of those people that no one thinks twice about leaving behind.

Don't open up easy.

Don't trust anyone.

Nobody cares until you're dead.

Nobody noticed.

Nobody ever notice.

The tears were now running like waterfalls on my face.
I passed some pages and I went in the ones he wrote when he followed the crew. It can't be so bad, can it? I mean he had us. I started reading again.

I have friends but, why do I feel so lonely?

I think, I'm afraid to be happy and then to see it disappear as soon as it appeared.

I try so hard and it still isn't enough.

I'm jealous of the sky who's not afraid to cry when he is sad.