Ezra's Depression

Chapter 10

No ones p.o.v

Three Months Ago

Kanan and Hera were being escorted outside by the nurse and doctor Lee when the doctor stopped on his trucks. The nurse stopped walking too, almost automatically. She didn't even turned around to look at the doctor.

"Is....everything alright Doc?" Kanan asked. Hera hadn't talked since one of the nurses came to take Ezra to his new room.

"There's one more thing I forgot to mention"

"Go on then. Hera why don't you go to take some fresh air, I'll catch up with you outside"

Hera nodded hugging herself and slowly walking away the nurse following her from behind.

"So?" He asked the doctor feeling the wrongness inside him suddenly grow. Worry about Ezra rose inside his head. Something was wrong.

"I'm aware that you and the boy are jedi"

The way he told it, Kanan knew there was nothing he could say or do to justify, to lie out of this.

"Do not worry my friend, I will not report this to the empire, what I wanted to say is that I am aware that you and the boy share a bond. The force bond between a master and a padawan is really peculiar"

"And what is the point of this conversation?" Kanan said feeling more uneasy by the second.

"I want you to break it" the doctor talked with such an ease on his voice, like he was asking something usual and normal, like he was ordering coffee or asking for the last cookie.

"What?!" Kanan said feeling incredible terror radiating from Ezra.
What's going on?

"Where is he?" Kanan grabbed the doctor from his collar as he was about to continue. "What are you doing to him?"

"You see? Even now you let your padawan's feeling get the best of you. What Ezra needs to overcome is a constant emotional battle, how is he supposed to manage it if every time he feels afraid or sad you interfere? How is he supposed to deal with his issues if he always runs to you?"

Kanan could feel Ezra's fear getting stronger with every passing second, his heart, his guts and his better judgement told him that all this was nonsense. That's why he hated himself so much for what he did next. Through the force he didn't only blocked Ezra out but, he also cut every connection he had with the boy.

His breathing came out hard as he leaned on the closest wall and his legs gave out. Loneliness, emptiness and cold filled him rapidly. He felt like he was going to puke. He felt Ezra desperately trying to hold on on what used to be their shared bond but, there was nothing there anymore. But it will all be worth it if Ezra gets better, right? Right?

He needed someone to tell him he did the right thing, that he wasn't the worst scum on the galaxy for letting his padawan, his...s-son  to go through hell... alone, abandoned. He had promised, promised that he wasn't like the other people Ezra had met. That he would never abandon him, that he would never turn his back on him.

"Is it done?" The doctor asked. Kanan had forgotten he was there, he had forgotten where they were and why they had gone there. All he could focus on was the terrible emptiness inside him.

"Well?"

"Yes, it's done" Kanan whispered. He could actually feel a part of him being ripped off him.

"Very well then" the doctor said helping Kanan to his feet and patting him friendly on the back. "We will contact you when the patient will be ready to have visitors"

The doctor kept talking but Kanan had stopped listening. Everything was numb and everything was wrong and it was his decision and his fault.

Would Ezra even forgive him?

He walked outside. Hera was waiting there for him. Tears started falling down as he saw her own heartbroken face.

"Kanan!" Hera ran to him putting one hand on his cheek.

"Hey, it's okay" she said. But it wasn't. Couldn't she see?

"I-I cut him off" Hera looked confused at first but then she realized what Kanan really said. She shook her head in denial.

"No, no you-you wouldn't. You wouldn't because it would be like leaving him and you would never leave him" She said almost begging Kanan.

Kanan just hugged her tighter burying his head to her shoulder. It was becoming too real too fast.

When they eventually made it back to the ship and told the other crew members what had happened there was much sadness for their youngest crew member.

They all went to sleep at night but no one really slept. Kanan sat on the cockpit watching the crops move by the night breeze. He almost didn't notice Sabine walking in and taking the sit across him.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" he asked her.

"I could ask the same"

Kanan didn't answer, he kept looking to the horizon. It almost felt like he wasn't even there for a moment or two.

"I know you didn't mean to leave him behind. I know it was a difficult choice but I understand why you made it"

Kanan looked at her on that.

"You wanted to help him to be happy and when he gets better, when he's ready to come back, it will all be worth it right?"

Kanan smiled.

"Thanks Sabine"

"You're welcome D-Kanan"

Kanan smiled. Maybe it would all turn out okay.

The Present

Ezra's hands were trebling terribly. His nails were bitten off and bleedy-looking. His wrists were bleeding from deep scratches. He couldn't find a knife or something sharp or else he'd be out of this hell right now. He would be with his mom and dad and he would feel safe and warm and...happy. So happy.

He covered his ears almost frantically trying to keep the screams out. But he never really did.

"MOMMY HELP! "

"MAMA! PAPA!"

"SOMEONE PLEASE"

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Ezra couldn't take it. He just wanted to die so bad. But they wouldn't let him, why wouldn't they let him. But Ezra knew that the screams would stop. And then it would be his time to scream. And everyday there was only one thing Ezra would pray and beg for.

Kanan

Why him? Why Kanan? Why the man who lied to him? Who told him he would never leave, that he wasn't like the people on the street, who told him he would take care of him?

Deep down inside he knew that it was his own fault. He was the one who had all the mental problems. He was the one who was a burden to everyone and he was the one who insisted to stay here. He told Kanan to leave him. But, why did Kanan cut him off? Why break their bond?

Ezra's mind was thinking too frantically to even make sense. Everyday he could feel himself slipping away. The screams stopped all of a sudden. Ezra started trembling harder if possible. The door opened behind him but he didn't turn around. Silent tears started rolling down his eyes, the sobs were making his body shake even harder. Arms grabbed him and dragged him away. He didn't fight. He had learned not to resist, it only made things worst.

He heard another door open and his silent sobs turned to loud cries. With the desperation of a dying man he searched for his bond with Kanan. He needed to find something there. Anything. Even the smallest present. He needed to know he wasn't alone. But there was nothing there. There was no one to help him. No one to hold him, to hug him and tell him that he was safe. That it would be over soon. He was alone, abandoned. Left to rot in hell.