Ezra's Depression

Chapter 21

The inquisitor walked through the ship's white hallways. The cold and the darkness seemed to be following him. Even the storm troopers, weak with the force as they were, could still kind of feel the danger and kept away from the pau'an, obviously avoiding him.

Finally the man reached the bridge. The stormtrooper escorting him turned the holo projectors on. And the pau'an was taken by surprise when instaed of doctor Lee, one of his staff members appeared.

"What is the meaning of this? Where is the doctor?"

"We have been compromised, the patients have escaped and the doctor was taken hostage by the rebels" the woman said with an emotionless, almost robotic voice.

"What?"

"We have been compromised, the patients-"

"I heard you! How is this possible? Years of torture, thousands of Jedi and there have  never been any complications"

The woman's expression hadn't changed at all. It was like she hadn't even heard the inquisitor or didn't care, or maybe there was nothing left in her to react, no more humanity.

"The protocol states that I should begin with the self distraction procedure"

The inquisitor thought for a second. Self distraction or not, doctor Lee was useless. The only thing that mattered now was to get the boy to Mustafar as soon as possible.

"Go along then"

The inquisitor said and the hologram disappeared. The inquisitor turned to the stormtrooper escorting him.

"How long until we reach Mustafar?"

"Three rotations sir"

"And how many hyperspace jumps?"

"Only two more sir"

The inquisitor smiled. If the rebels truly wished to save the boy they had only one chance to do so. On the last hyperspace jump. Thankfully no one was stupid enough to even hope to catch up with a star destroyer in only three rotations. They were safe.

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Ezra had figured at this point that his arms, legs and some of his ribs were broken and unresponsive. So trying to move them proved to be not only ineffective but also extremely painful.

Now he just laid his head back and tried to urge the fear and adrenaline out. A few minutes, he just needed a few minutes of sleep. And failed miserably to do so. He tried to remember some of the breathing exercises Kanan had taught him. He closed his eyes as he recalled Kanan's instructions.

"Take a deep breath and empty your mind?"

"How?" Ezra asked confused. His mind, along with all the dark thoughts, was almost overwhelming and Ezra tried not to sound too desperate to learn how to empty it.

Kanan on the other hand had mistaken his eagerness for excitement and chuckled ruffling the kid's hair. Ezra fought hard to keep himself from leaning into the touch. 'Don't get too attached. He'll leave you just like everyone else'. He thought

"Take a deep breath. Now urge all your thoughts and feelings out. Slowly"

Ezra between deep breaths tried to do just that. Urge, or in his case forcefully push his feelings and thoughts out of his consciousness. They weren't gone, unfortunately, but they were kind of muffled.

Ezra frowned. Not enough. It was never enough. They weren't gone. They were still haunting his mind just more quietly.

"Now" Kanan started again. Ezra couldn't see him since his eyes were shut but he heard him walking behind him. "Find your center. Its the core of your connection to the force. From there reach out, let the force in,let it fill you and let yourself become a part of it"

Ezra didn't manage to do it at first. Not during the first day or the second. Mostly because he was doubting the meaning of the exercise. And besides it's hard to concentrate when you have to keep the ticking time bomb inside yourself from exploding.

But after a few days and Kanan's constant encouragement he finally managed to let himself be a part of the force. And it was terrifying. The sudden calmness and serenity took him so much by surprise that he snapped out of it almost immediately. And he regretted it. Kanan had warned him about what happens when you snap out of such a deep meditation state so fast.

Ezra felt as if the air was knocked out of his lungs. Suddenly he could feel every force presence, not just subconsciously and it was as if waves of emotions kept hitting him, threatening to drown him. His vision was foggy and his mind was going too fast for him to make sense of his thoughts. He heard a voice and strong arms shook him. Then laid him back down. A few seconds later new hands were around him. A little less strong, more kind. He felt himself being picked up and felt nauseous but he couldn't move. He almost felt as if he were floating, the hands holding him were the only thing that kept him grounded.

Soon, he was laying against something soft. The hands never lost touch and moved to his shoulders. He felt another presence in the force but this one was focused, strong and calm. No emotions and thoughts leaking out of it. It wrapped around Ezra and shielded him from everything else while also pulling him, or whatever part of him was stuck between the force and the physical world back to his body.

He was finally able to breathe and he gulped and gasped for air and coughed as his lungs were burning. His vision was still blur and he still couldn't move. Actually just the thought of moving exhausted him. It took him a few moments to realize he could hear a voice. 

"Damn it Ezra. I told you to be careful"

He felt tears tickle the edges of his eyes. 'I'm sorry, I only wanted to make you proud and get rid of the thoughts, even just for a second'. Ezra thought but never actually formed the words. He couldn't. He just let the tears fall as Kanan gently rubbed his back.

"It's okay. Everything's going to be okay. Just breathe. Close your eyes and breathe. I'm right here"

Ezra did just that. The moment his eyelids fell he was out like a light. For the rest of the week he was slipping in and out of consciousness with Kanan helping him to heal through the force but also with eating, drinking and going to the bathroom (which proved to be very uncomfortable for both of them). The others helped too, keeping Ezra entertained, helping him out of the bed and when the effects of Ezra's accident passed no one spoke of it again, which Ezra was glad about since he was really embarrassed.

Ezra hadn't realised until much later, on his first days in the hospital that during the whole week, no destructive thoughts crossed his mind.

Ezra smiled at the memory. It somehow made the weight he felt crashing his shoulders a little lighter. Suddenly a feeling of reassurance and love flooded his senses. Kanan. He was coming. How Ezra knew, he had no idea. It was a feeling, a promise through the force. And Ezra was faithful or desperate enough to believe it.