Reality Over Expectation

Expectation and Reality

The Expectation

I never expected that my dad would a cheat! I never expected CJ to be a creep! And of course, being a little baby, I never expected my biological dad to leave me. Do you see I have a problem? Oh! I almost forgot about Corey! Everything involving the prominent men in my life seems doomed, ever since day one. I wonder how different my life would've been, if Dwayne never gave me up. I wouldn't have to worry about him cheating, I would probably be Divas champ, my life would've been swell! Or, what if Tony really went to that meeting? Then I wouldn't have broken down, I wouldn't thought a second thought about Dwayne leaving me. If Tony stayed faithful, I would've been at home with my mom and dad, telling them about CJ and how he is the worst, like ever! Oh, and here comes CJ, what to do about CJ? Honestly, I expected him to be a cheat, I really did, that is why I didn't think too much of it when I caught him in the act. But I never, ever thought he would be an abuser. Yeah, he didn't hit me, but he verbally hurt me and commanded me like I was a dog! Some people don't think its abuse, but it is. I didn't expect to do and see a lot of things this week. I didn't expect CJ to be abusive, Tony to be unfaithful, and I didn't expect to blame Dwayne. I also didn't expect to kiss a girl, but that happened so obviously anything can!

The Reality

The reality is that, I'm thinking too highly of myself. The reality is I knew the exact reason why Dwayne gave me up for adoption and honestly, if I was in that position I would've done a similar thing. I also know that I have no right to be mad at CJ, he did nothing to me. When I saw Tony, I funneled all of that anger into the men that have been most prominent in this stage of my life. Why? As a defense mechanism most likely, but a dumb one at that. The reality is, no matter if Tony is a cheat, I'll love him. He raised me, he cared for me like I was his own, he was the father that Dwayne would've been. The two most important men in my life, are the best thing in my life. I know they would never intentionally hurt me. So why am I acting like this? I don't know, stress? Pinning everything up? I just- I just need to talk to both of my dads. I need to tell them whats on my mind, I need to hear them say what I already know in my heart "That they will always love me." Cause maybe hearing it from them, will convince my mind. The reality is that I didn't really think about the situation. I acted on the first reaction I had, and that was anger. But I'm Bianca Le'ia Johnson, Dwayne would never do such a thing and Tony raised me to be better than that. Anything can happen, but its up to me to make sure good comes out it.