My Story.

What Is Wrong With Me?

21st August 1991... Freddie is dying. I'm gutted. He's been a friend for a long time. Yeah we've had our clashes but we've always been friends.
Met up with the rest of the guys in Begbroke. No one bothers us there apart from Coco's twat of a friend Alan. He's such a sycophant. Keeps offering to provide us with girls. Obviously we placate him. I don't think he will ever do it. At least I hope not.

Not more than 15 minutes after getting there in he walks. He'd got another fella with him and some tiny dot of a girl. She looked familiar but I couldn't for the life of me remember where I had seen her. She had jet black hair that looked like a wig and the palest skin I'd ever seen. He acted like a leech. Always pawing at her. The guys said she must have been a working girl. I wasn't so sure about that. From what I've seen prostitutes are way more confident and outgoing than she was. She flinched every time he put his filthy mits near her.

I found myself watching her constantly. Trying to figure out where I knew her from. Hunt and the guys were downing shots and I being a dick matched them. God she was hot. I tried to tell myself that I was getting married strangely this only fuelled my desire to get hammered. I have wanted out of the basket of snakes I'm in for a few weeks now. Coco says it's just pre wedding jitters and to give it a few more weeks or so.

I spotted her heading to the bathroom. This was my chance to say hello. I gave it a couple of minutes and headed towards the outer door. Trying to be as casual as possible. Walking backwards slowly and talking to the guys. I lingered in the doorway. As I felt it open I turned around..'accidentally' bumping into her. She stumbled backwards and mumbled something like 'dickhead'. I took the opportunity to catch her mid fall.

As soon as she was pressed against me I felt electricity shoot through my body.

"Oh I'm sorry love. Are you okay?" I didn't let go but held our torsos close. Our eyes met for a few seconds but it felt like I had been looking into them forever.

She prized my hands off her waist and walked away muttering. I of course had to go through with the initial 'reason' for heading that way and went for a pee. I returned to the bar and resumed my vigil. Every time that creep touched her I felt rage like nothing else tinged with a flush of jealousy that he was touching her and it should have been me. That night back in the house I dreamt about her. She was a trapped in a dungeon men doing vile things to her. Preparing her for some stupid ritual. In my dream I rescued her.. Whisked her away from him and his vile cronies.

I dreamt about her every night. We made love constantly. I told the guys. Big mistake. I thought about her when were were on stage. The guys pissed themselves laughing during 'A certain girl' because I was thinking about the dreams I had been having about her. I couldn't help but reinact them. She was all I could think about.

24th Dec 1991

I'm back in Paris. I got to England on the 22nd We arranged to have a drink for Freddie last night. Of course I got yelled at for not going straight back to my apartment in Paris. Apparently the thousands I spent on presents for god knows who wasn't enough and we've got to throw the biggest Christmas party people have ever seen. I got there just before her first 'friend' arrived. I didn't realise we 'Knew' so many people and why she invited Ava and some of my other exes is way beyond my comprehension.

⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡

Freddie died a month ago. I was in the states. I wanted to come back for his funeral but Coco and Iman said I had commitments to keep. Freddie would understand. Brian phoned me. I was just about to leave for the venue. I couldn't prevent the tears. Wading through a sea of people. Sunglasses on trying to hide the tears. I had argued furiously with Iman. She berated me for being so upset. Accused me of having sex with him. I denied it as I knew damn well I hadn't. She threw the 'I'm Gay' interview in my face and insisted on my being tested for Aids. I lost count of the times I had told her that I said I was gay to get the publicity. Each time she screamed "LIAR" at me. I finally caved in when one of the whisky decanters in the hotel room was launched in my direction and the top hit me in the eye.

⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡

So there I was 23rd December. Drinking to the memory my friend, drinking to block out the mess I had made and drinking because I didn't want to go back to Paris. I hit the booze hard. Brian and the guys tried to get me to slow down but I was so deep into my depression I couldn't see a way out of it. Joe was trying to talk me into going home. He rarely drinks so had driven to Oxford to come and get me.

I was just about to go when that fucking twat Alan waltzed in practically dragging 'HER' behind him. That other guy was there again too. She was blonde this time her hair in a shoulder length bob. She looked paler and thinner. Her eyes were puffy and her face blotchy. She had obviously been crying. I felt that rage surge once more. I decided there was no way in hell I was going yet. I ordered more drinks.

An hour passed. She had pushed her food around her plate for most of that time. I saw her get up. Both men grabbed her arms. She said something about needing the bathroom and pulled away from them. I had fully intended to speak to her but my drunken idiocy had other ideas.

"Here she comes... Sssshhhh..... I'm gonna say hello." I think I whispered to the guys.

She got level with us. We parted so that she could get through. I opened my mouth to speak to her but all I managed was to bark like some randy fucking dog.... What the fuck? She was mortified. I cursed myself inwardly. Joe's friends laughed.

I tried several times to make contact with her but each time the drunken dickhead took over and I barked /growled.. Each time she looked even more upset. The final time she walked back towards her table she stopped briefly looked around the pub. Then bolted through the door.

"Ssshhiittt the road" I fell off the barstool in an attempt to stop her. There was a really busy duel carriage way just outside the doors. I was flailing around on the floor like a demented spider shouting to stop the girl. Joe's friend went outside and came back in a few minutes later. He informed us that the two blokes she was with had got her and she'd called one of them dad but he wasn't sure which one.