Adrenaline

Shiro's Comfort

"Are you okay, Shiro?" Keith asked and Shiro's breath hitched when he heard Keith calling him by his preferred name but quickly collected himself.

"I thought you were still mad at me," Shiro stated both because he wanted to change the subject as far away from his mental state as possible and because he was wondering if Keith had forgiven him. If Keith had forgiven him, then Shiro wouldn't have to lie.

"I am but are you okay?" Keith asked and looked genuinely curious and possibly concerned.

"Yes," Shiro answered and lifted his eyebrows as he wondered why Keith was even having this conversation with him.

"Are you sure?" Keith pressed on.

"Yes, I'm sure," Shiro sighed. He loved Keith like a brother and he was what he hoped was secretly ecstatic that Keith was talking to him like a friend and not yelling at him about all the things Shiro already knew was his fault.

"Are you sure, Shiro?" Keith repeated slower and somehow that was all it took for Shiro to break. No, he wasn't okay. He hadn't been for a long time and lately it was even worse. Nightmares, guilt and the pressure put upon him from one day to another had been constant companions for so long and suddenly he had to deal with the fact that not only couldn't he protect his teammates from others, he had to protect them from himself too. No Shiro wasn't okay and he knew that Keith wasn't fooled by how he nodded his head.

"You're not," Keith answered himself and Shiro nodded again as he finally admitted it to Keith.

Shiro took a step towards Keith and reached his arms out towards Keith out of old habits. He stopped when his brain registered how Keith tensed up and stood still for a moment longer when Keith relaxed his shoulders. He only closed the distance between them when Keith looked away from him, resigned but allowing Shiro to close his arms around him.

Keith didn't hug, but he had liked every hug they had had since the second one Shiro had ever given him and besides the ones where Keith had been too distraught by various things, he had always hugged back immediately or close to it. This time however he didn't hug back but he didn't pull away either. He just stood and let Shiro hold him as tightly as he wanted to and didn't comment on the wet feeling when Shiro buried his face in Keith's hair.

"I'm sorry," Shiro choked out. It was far from eloquent but Keith seemed to accept it more than if Shiro had given him a whole speech again.

Logically Shiro knew that feelings didn't just disappear from one day to another and that someone can both love and hate a person but it had felt like Keith had only had loathing left for Shiro.

Shiro just held unto Keith for far longer than Keith had ever let anyone hold him before and it was only that knowledge that helped Shiro from getting discouraged by Keith's lack of response.

"I'm so sorry," Shiro repeated.

He felt how Keith exhaled and swallowed before Keith spoke quietly, "You didn't know it was me." It was nonchalant like Shiro had only done something minimally troubling and maybe that was what triggered something in Shiro.

"I could have figured it out," Shiro whispered. He didn't know why he was denying the small twig of an olive branch Keith was offering him. Maybe he thought he deserved Keith's disgust and hatred for him or maybe he wanted Keith to deny everything he said. Maybe he wanted Keith to defend him no matter how much guilt that would awaken in him.

"Maybe," Keith stated as unfeeling as if he had told Shiro that it had rained the day prior. "But you didn't."

"I didn't," Shiro repeated as if he was in a trance.