This is Love

Chapter XV: In a Relationship

I span my pen one more time. I stretch my head one more time. Oh gosh! My parents are going to kill me. Halos lahat ng exams ko tinitigan ko lang. Nanghula lang ako sa iba.

Eto ang nangyayari sa taong kung anu-ano ang inaatupag. Hindi ko lang kaya mag-aral. Pag kasi nagbabasa ako, pagpasok, labas agad. I tried, ladies and gentlemen. I really tried, swear to God. My mind's processing was affected by the things I discovered lately. I can't help it. I want to, but I can't.

"Oh, ano?" Pagkakamusta samin ni Grace. Nagkibit-balikat si Jenny at tumingin sakin.

"Negative." I said. These two were putting most of their attention to me. Helping me study and saying things that might decrease my stress. Maganda naman ang ginagawa nila kaso ayokong maakabala.

"Last na exam na natin susunod. Ready ka ba for that?" Jenny questionned.

"I don't know. I'm not ready for anything. I'm never ready." I said and walked away.

"Hey.. Cheer up." Grace walked beside me. "Gusto mo bang itext ko si Richie para matawa ka naman kahit konti."

"Ginawa mo namang stand-up comedian yung tao." Habol ni Jenny. I stopped walking. Nakita ko si Margarette. Madadaanan nya kami. Natahimik at napatigil din yung dalawa. Ninerbyos ako bigla. Pinsan sya ni Xander, almost five months tumira si Xander sa kanila. Malamang sa malamang, madami syang alam.

"Hi, guys." Bati ni Margarette ng makalapit sya samin. "How's your exams?"

"Ayos naman. Malapit na kami sa tagumpay. Isang exam na lang kami ni Hannah." Sabi ni Jenny.

"Wow. That's great! Buti pa kayo di na papasok bukas." Sabi ni Margarette. Naki-oo naman si Grace. Nagkatinginan kami ni Jenny. Gustong gusto kong magtanong ng tungkol kay Xander pero may pumipigil sakin. Naalala ko bigla kung paano nya ako kausapin at tratuhin.

He made it clear that he doesn't know me now.

*****

Dear Xander,

First of all, this is an apology letter to both of us. For how long it took me to let things go. I'm sorry for hating you.

Magsusuffer lang ako kung itutuon ko ang atensyon ko sa'yo. Dati naman ang gusto ko lang ay malaman kung anong kalagayan mo. Mukhang ayos ka naman eh. Kaya wala nakong dapat ika-pagalala.

Inaamin ko na nadedepress ako. Pero wala ka ng kasalanan dun. And I can take care of myself. I know i'm tired. I know i'm physically and emotionally drained. But I have to keep going. Letting go might be the hardest thing to do but it was for the best.

It's time to give the best for myself.

Hannah

So, it was a relief. Oh gosh. I wish matagal ko ng ginawa 'tong pagsusulat na'to. Kailangan gayahan ko nadin sya, kung wala na syang pakialam sakin, dapat ako din.

"Ano yan?" Pumasok si Jenny sa kwarto.

"Nothing."

"How are you?" She asked.

"Physically healthy, mentally ill." I said the truth.

"Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good.." She hugged me from my back. "And you know what feels good?"

"What?"

"Eating." Matipid nyang sagot. I just smiled. Nothing can beat food for being so comforting.

*****

We waited for Grace. May last exam pa sya. Sa bahay namin kami pupunta, hindi pa kasi nakakapunta si Grace dun.