Kissing Her

32: At the End of the Start

I walk down the school hallway. Megan's first day at school. I see Jack and walk towards him.

Just as I'm about to open my own locker, I spot Megan walking down the corridor, towards us. People are staring at her. She has a bandage over her shoulder, but it's just to ease the pain if she bumped into something. But I don't think that's what people looks at. To them, she's now a completely different person. I have been there during the whole prosses and witnessed her development. For me, nothing's new since I saw her the last time.

She's wearing no make-up, or false eye lashes, not even nail polish. I really think that's the first thing people are gonna see that's different about her. Her hair is not styled either. She is completely herself.

I take out my literature book and walk towards her, like nothing was different. Jack closes his locker and follows me. I quickly kiss Megan on the mouth and she smiles. I'm still aware that people look at us, but I don't care. I can sense that Megan feels a little insecure. Before, people were staring out of amazement. They looked up to her. Now she's showing her true self and people look at her to find out what's happened. And she don't want to give them her private life. Her real life.

"Hi, I'm Jack" Jack says and is about to reach out his arm to take Megan's hand, but puts it down once he sees the bandage. In the other hand, Megan carries her books. She smiles and lets out a small laugh. "We have history together, that may be where we have met before" Jack says. Megan smiles "Yes, you seemed familiar. Didn't we have a project together in first grade or something? ". Jack nods.

Then the conversations over. I was prepared for this awkward tension though. This is the first time Jack and Megan officially speak together and they have been attending this school far longer than me. It feels weird to be the one that changed it all.

***

Megan comes over to work with some stuff, after school. She's lying on my bed and I'm sitting behind my desk. I put my pen down. Honestly, school isn't my focus right now. I close the book  and lie down beside Megan. I want to ask about her father, but I'm unsure if it's the right time to do it. But Megan thinks the same. "Kristy?" She looks up at me from my lap. "Yes?". "There's a few things I want to explain to you. Dating back to when you came here a year ago". I look curiously at her, but inside I have mixed feelings.

"When you tried to get to know me, none of my friends had ever done the same. They thought I was always the true me. But when you came and tried to find the real me, instead of getting happy and relieved, I got scared. That's why I acted like I did. I was scared that you would reveal the truth and my friends would feel betrayed. I was scared that once you got to me, you would try to become my girlfriend. And as I realized that, I... fell in love with you". She smiles shyly.

This sends a wave of warmth through my body. "But I had never experienced loving someone that deep. I never actually loved my boyfriends. Because I'm not able to fall in love with guys. That's how I realized I was gay. The boyfriends were just a part of the image I had built up".

"I told two of my 'closest' friends about how you tried to kiss me. I don't know what happened, but they must have misunderstood me. I told them exactly the words I said to you, which I'm so sorry for saying. I panicked, you got to believe me". I gently squeeze her arm, to confirm that I do. I honestly, do.

She continues. "They must have thought I was mad at you. So, Sarah took her lip stick, which is just the same as mine, and wrote those awful things on the bathroom mirror. It wasn't me".

So, it wasn't Megan, but a stupid misunderstanding? That changes everything. "I believe in you" I say. "But it was actually at that bathroom I met Wendy and Lillian. They felt bad for me and wanted to be my friends. I'm not saying that it was a good thing to be a part of, but something good came out of it".

She looks at me and gives me a sad smile. "This year have been both tragic and magical and I would never change it. But everybody know my past. And now they see the actual me. I just feel vulnerable. You too have noticed people looking. It also feels better not to be in the same town as dad. So," she pauses. "I discussed it with mum, and... I have to put this life behind me. The actual me needs to live my life now". 

"I'm moving. To London".

What? "Why? Everything's fine. And us?". I look at her, for a second I'm shocked, but as she asks I start to think it trough. "Kristy, how was your life before you moved? You only had Denise, right?" I nod. "What would have made you make new friends, like you did here? Nothing. Because you were stuck in the one version of yourself that everybody knew. That's what kept you from getting more friends. You were locked in one person. You felt like you were unable to change. Right?".

I begin to get it. Now she's known to people as, "the Megan Gold" and "the new Megan Gold". "and when you came here" Megan continues, "you were forced to change yourself. You didn't have Denise as a friend when you felt alone. You were forced to make new friends. To become a new person -yourself". I nod.

"You see why I wanna start all over. And I really wanna point out that there is nothing wrong with anybody, especially not you. You have opened so many doors for me, I don't know how my life would be if I never met you. I love you, I hope you know that".

She smiles, and we lean in for a kiss.

Megan was right, this year has been both tragic and magical, but I wouldn't have wished it different in any way.

All I wanted was to pause my life, in exactly that moment. Kissing her.