As the weeks moved on, I found myself getting stronger feelings for Connor and nothing seemed to slow it down. Every day at work, I tried my best to keep those feelings hidden but I was always scared I'd slip up and Connor would notice something. But he never did. Instead, he went about his day, not knowing how I really felt.
The times it hurt the most were when Connor would tell me about some sweet thing Jacob had said or done for him. My jealousy grew knowing that their relationship was seemingly perfect. Connor had an adoring husband, a wonderful daughter, a great job, a beautiful house and the perfect life. Meanwhile, I had a tense relationship with my ex-husband and was struggling to keep my life from falling apart at home where I'd realised that, without a double income, I couldn't afford to keep everything running how it had been.
"Troye?"
"Hm?" I looked up from my phone when I heard Connor's voice. I was sat in the staff room during one of the few times I didn't have students to teach. He was supposed to be in class right then so I was a little confused.
"Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah. Why? Aren't you supposed to be teaching?"
"It's exam week. Remember? My students are taking their mid-term exam and I wasn't rostered on to supervise this time."
"Oh."
"Are you sure you're okay? You've seemed a little down this week." He sat beside me and I hurriedly switched off my phone so he didn't see the email I'd been reading about a late bill.
"Yeah. Just a little tired. I saw Joey the other day."
"How was that?"
"Hard. He and Daniel are expecting their baby any day now."
"I can't believe it's that time already. It seems like only yesterday you were signing the divorce papers."
"Tell me about it. The whole thing seems a little rushed to me. I mean, it's barely been a year since he told me about the affair, which means they've only been seeing each other for just over a year." I sighed and flopped back on the sofa.
"I guess they just feel like it's right for them."
"I know." There was silence between us for a moment and I closed my eyes until I felt him gently touch my knee.
"Troye, you know I'm here for you, right? If something's bothering you, you can tell me."
"Honestly, I'm fine. Just dealing with some stuff, mentally."
"Don't keep it bottled up, okay? Talk to someone."
"I know. Don't worry too much about me. I don't want to be the one who ruins your perfect life by dumping all my crap on you."
"Perfect life?"
"Yeah. With you and Jacob being happily married. And you've got Penny and your job and house. It's just perfect." For whatever reason, I couldn't stop myself from saying those things, despite seeing the hurt look on Connor's face at the end.
"Is that really what you think of me?"
"Are you saying it's not true?" I shot back. It was petty and stupid, I knew. But I couldn't help it. A dam had broken in my mind and I couldn't stop the flood.
"After everything I've done for you. That's just cruel, Troye." He stood up and I saw the tears in his eyes in the moment before he turned away and went over to the other side of the room, sitting at a table and taking out his phone, I'm assuming to message Jacob about what had just happened.
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That night, I felt horrible about what I'd said to Connor. The green-eyed man hadn't said another word to me all day and I honestly couldn't blame him.
After Sam and Jess were in bed, I went to the study and logged onto my laptop. I was planning to get some marking done but I ended up opening Facebook and going to Connor's page. It was filled with pictures of him and his family, looking picture perfect as usual. In every photo, they were smiling, pure happiness in their faces as Connor and Jacob looked at each other or watched Penny. It kind of made my heart hurt to know that I didn't have that anymore.
Hey, I don't know what I did to make you upset today. But whatever it was, I'm sorry. ~ Connor
Even when I was the one who messed up, he was still sweet enough to apologise. I debated in my head for a moment whether to tell him the truth or not before tapping out a reply.
If I tell you the reason I said what I did, you'll hate me. ~ Troye
We're not in high school, Troye. While I can't promise I won't get upset or angry, I can promise I won't hate you. ~ Connor
His reply was fast but I wanted to wait a bit before replying, to think of exactly the right words to say. I shut off my laptop and headed over to my bedroom, laying down on the bed with my phone held in front of me. I typed out a message to Connor five times before I was happy enough to send it.
I'm sorry. But I don't think I can hold you to that promise this time. I treasure our friendship too much to risk messing it up by telling you the truth. I just hope you can accept that and forgive me. ~ Troye
While I waited for a reply, I got myself ready for bed and I was already curled up under the blankets when the phone finally buzzed, signalling a new message.
I don't know if I can. I need some time.
Part of me just wanted to tell him but I knew, deep down, that if I did, it would only cause more trouble than it was worth. In the meantime, I would just have to hope for a miracle.
A/N: So I had a day off and managed to smash out two chapters for you guys...hope you enjoy :)
