Love Online

2009

Suicide, taking your own life, is a tragic reaction to stressful life situations — and all the more tragic because suicide can be prevented. Whether you're considering suicide or know someone who feels suicidal, learn suicide warning signs and how to reach out for immediate help and professional treatment. You may save a life — your own or someone else's. It may seem like there's no way to solve your problems and that suicide is the only way to end the pain. But you can take steps to stay safe — and start enjoying your life again.

My name is Daniel James Howell, I'm nineteen, and I was diagnosed with depression at the age of twelve. I know right, seems like a pretty young age to have this put on your conscious, but that's just how things work sometimes. Sometimes in life, you get handed a good deal, (yes I'm talking about cards) and sometimes you get handed the shitty hand, and what do you suspect, I got the shitty hand. Not the shitty hand in certain things but for most things, yes they do indeed fall under the shitty hand column. I guess you could call my childhood "normal" so you'll probably assume I'm bullshitting you with why most of my life is shitty but I'm being honest. 

I live in a small urban Reading home with my mom, Kate, and my younger brother Adrian, he's only four years younger than me but we're really close, my dad, David... Well, he and Adrian aren't really close at all since he divorced my mom when I was fourteen. My moms closer to Adrian than she is with me, so I suppose that's one of the factors as to why my dad and I are as close as we are. I usually spend my weekends with him and my step-family. Weirdly enough I get along really well with my step-sister, Rachel, my step-brother, Kyle, and my step-mom, Sydney, whom he remarried to when I was fifteen. They're really nice people. I think my dad was looking out for my best interests when he bought his new house because its backyard is a forest and he said when he moved in if I needed a place to clear my head I could go there. I'm literally there every day after school.

If you would've asked ten-year-old me if I liked school you would've gotten a flat out yes as an answer, however, if you were to ask me now I would just flat out tell you to fuck off. I hate school. I used to love it, I love going, it made me feel a part of something bigger than myself, I loved socializing and seeing my friends. Then people found out I had depression, and that I cut and etc... Let's just say the less time I spend there the better. My friends try to be sympathetic towards my situation but they don't really care, no one does. If you asked me how many professional people I've talked to about my problems you're gonna get quite the number I'll tell you that much, thirty, I've gone to thirty psychiatrists and therapists to help me with my struggles but... It's not sympathy, it's pity. 

I don't socialize. Most of my time is spent either eating, working at Tesco, or watching YouTube to numb my emotions, and weirdly enough, for the most part, it works. However, I only watch YouTubers that connect with me and my values and or some that genuinely make me smile and laugh. YouTubers like; AmazingPhil, Shane Dawson, Smosh, and Pewdiepie. This is one of the factors as to why I'm shunned at school, people think I'm weird for watching these people that create whatever they want without worrying what people think, they do it because they enjoy it. And, I don't know it seems weird but when I watch it, their videos, it makes me feel apart of something bigger than myself. Sure, that may sound totally creepy to most people but it's true. I suppose, to put it bluntly, YouTube gives me purpose...?