When Dan first commented on Phil's YouTube video's, it never crossed his mind that he would ever become Phil's best friend. After months of hourly Skype calls and love filled Snapchats Dan starts to feel something for Phil. And when Dan starts to ac...
It's all the same. The sun burnt my eyelids open as I forced myself out of my bed to feed my deserted stomach before I hopped in my car to make the depressing journey to Tesco. Groggily stumbling down the stairs only to see my mother, sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over a cup of coffee and wrapped in what could've easily been mistaken for millions of sweaters. I said nothing. This was normal for us, she and I barely spoke anymore and what's worse is she blamed the internet and YouTube for it all. I love my mum to bits but at some point, she has to grow up and admit she's the reason we stopped talking not the internet for fuck's sake. Snapping me out of my thoughts was the 'pop' of the toaster, swiftly I spread butter and jam over the grain until I heard a soft cough of acknowledgment behind me. Slowly, I brought my eyes to meet my mothers, her soft green pools practically drowned me, I knew deep down she meant well but... At this point, it might be too late for forgiveness...
"Daniel, do you have a moment?" Her voice was calm and gentle, like a hunter trying to lour its prey. I nodded and hesitantly placed myself across from her at the table. Instead of cutting the tension with a knife, you could see it, it was thick and foggy, filled with the overshadowing of mistrust and numerous lies. "I received a call from your Principal yesterday. He didn't seem to thrilled about you ditching class to stay in the library. Care to explain?" There it was. I knew there had to be a logical higher-powered reason as to why she asked me to sit. Typical. Silently scoffing, I calmly got up from my seat and made my way to the door, "Daniel, please. I'm worried about you."
Laughing sarcastically I turned to her and shrugged, "I don't need false love this early in the morning but when I need it I'll be sure to call David." With that, I was out the door. I smiled at myself, I knew for a fact she would question me about it where I got my information from but for now I was proud I said something. Now that I think of it I don't suppose my mum's had an actual relationship since my dad left, just whoever she could bring home with her really. I knew who David was, every second night there he is with my mum in her room... Having a wonderful time. He's one of my teachers, maths actually because I skip his class the most, guess it gives him a reason to see my mum.
Tesco's not one of those grocery stores where it's a small thing, no, it's huge. I've been told it's the equivalent of a Canadian Cosco store. Either way, it's huge. My boss is pretty good to me, she knows my story and my family life, mostly because she's my step-mom, Sydney. Now, when I first got a job here at fourteen my parents were still barely holding on to what shambles were left of their marriages so she was really good to me and when she started dating my dad, nothing really changed I suppose, she always had that sort of mothery vibe. Signing in I made my way to the cash register to begin the long day awaiting me.
~5:30 P.M~
"Daniel Howell, can you please report to the manager's office. Daniel Howell."
As a kid, you think going up to the principal's office is the scariest thing but when you get a real job reality hits that it's being called to see your manager, alone, that is truly terrifying. Politely, I knocked on the office door only to be met with a calm and subtle, "Come in." Slowly, I made my way to the desk and placed myself in the chair before meeting her eyes.
"You asked to see me Mrs. Howell-Wood?"
She sighed softly, her lips forming a small smile, "Dan, please the formalities in here, we talked about that," I smirked, "If you think I called you up here to get you into trouble or what not you can think again. No, Dan," a soft sigh left her lips as her ocean eyes met mine, "I wanted to ask a favor of you if that's okay? I talked to your mother and she already said you would be able to do this for me." My heart dropped at that word, mother. I hardly knew my mom anymore, she hardly knew me. I provided for myself, I clothed myself, fed myself and really at this point I've been on my own for years, longer than I thought... "I need you to pick up Kyle and Rachel after school because your father and I have a meeting until late tonight so," she reached into her pocket and handed me her debit card, "you three can go out for supper but then straight home, understood?" I nodded before putting her card into my phone case and leaving her office as fast as I could.
Time couldn't seem to go by fast enough, but nonetheless, relief flushed over me when I sat in my car and turned the keys. Rachel and Kyle hopped in with no question, as we pulled out of the school lot Rachel, who was in my passenger seat, turned to me, "Dan," I hummed in response as the stoplight turned green, "Why do you cut?"
I felt my heart stop. How did she know?! Does she care!? Will she tell anyone!? Has she told anyone?! We pulled into the Starbucks parking lot and Kyle went in to order, "H-How do you know that? Why w-would you think I do?" My voice practically shook with uncertainty, my thumbs fiddling with one another.
"I-I found a razor in your bathroom... Covered in blood... A-And the other day I went down to talk to y-you and I heard you in the t-the bathroom..." Her voice was flooding with concern and sadness, "W-Why do you cut Dan?"
"I-it's none of your concern." My eyes shot to hers, her face filled with shock and a mix of sadness, "Look, Rachel, I... I do it for different reasons that's all you need to know..." I turned to her and shot my finger up pointing at her, "And no one finds out about this. Okay?" No response, just a simple nod, "Come here turkey," a small innocent, broken smile spread across her face as I pulled her into an awkward in-car hug.
When we arrived home, both Rachel and Kyle went straight to their video games as I made my way to my basement. When we moved in here my dad gave me the whole basement and let Rachel and Kyle get the third level of the house.
~10 PM~
I suppose after hours of watching YouTube and genuinely laughing once in a while is healthy for me. Lazily throwing myself into my black duvet and lifting my laptop screen to see a number of notifications, but only one really stuck out to my eyes.
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Phil Lester, my idol, one of the only reasons I'm still pushing through life was going to reply and read a few of the comments on his Tweet!? Suddenly, I was revisited with the previous events from three weeks ago. Here I was, in this same room, alone, and no one was home but me. Blood sliding from my wrists down to the black carpet beneath me, hot puffy eyes, breathe heavy, and everything looking greener on the other side. I'll admit, I was ready to die, right then and there. But, some part of me, something deep told me to stay as if something was going to happen in my future that I needed to be a part of. My eyes drifted shut for a moment before I shakingly made my way to the stash of bandages I hid under my bed. Once my arm was wrapped I rolled into my duvet and opened YouTube to watch some of my favorite Amazingphil videos.
Before I knew it, everything I had wanted to say, was typed out before me, and in a blink of an eye there it was public for the whole world. I was so fucked.
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Quickly, I closed the screen and curled into a ball of black and grey comfort. I dreamed of Phil replying and becoming my friend, and yes I know how unlikely that is but, hey a person can dream right?
