It was cold and dark and wet. The damp air made it hard for Evan to breathe, but he forced himself too. He was crying, standing amongst a few people- the Murphy family and their extended cousins and aunts and uncles- in the cold, wet graveyard, watching as Connor Murphy's casket was lowered into his grave.
Evan had never been to a funeral once- he had never even set foot in a graveyard. It scared him too much- to think of how many people were all buried under the ground for different reasons and how they each had their own life story and, to think, how Evan would one day be just like them- buried in a wooden box, 6 feet under the ground, with nothing but a gravestone to signify that he had once been alive. It was stupid and childish, but it scared Evan more than he was willing to admit.
His eyes slowly lifted from the casket. He could barely breathe- the eulogies and speeches had been hard enough to get through, but now, watching his supposed "best friend's" body being lowered into the ground? It was too much.
Connor had looked... very dead, when Evan had gone up with the Murphy family to see his body before closing the casket forever. He looked sad- very, very sad, even in death- and, for the first time, Evan allowed himself to really look at him and take Connor Murphy in.
He and Zoe definitely resembled each other- except Connor's face was much thinner and sharper. His hair was the same length- "very school shooter chic". He was tall- Connor Murphy was tall , Evan realized. He was wearing all black, which wasn't much different than what Evan always saw Connor in. It looked very similar to that last outfit that Evan had ever seen him in- no, he had realized moments later, it was . Evan's stomach had dropped when he realized- he could have been the last person that Connor Murphy ever talked to before killing himself . The thought had made him feel sick and he forced himself to take a deep breath, his eyes trained on Connor's face, tears brimming in his eyes. The sick feeling hadn't gone away, but now the coffin was closed and Connor Murphy had seen his last moments of fresh air.
Evan glanced up at the Murphy family. He was standing next to Larry, who hadn't moved in ages. His face was stone cold and impassive. Evan didn't understand- why wasn't he crying? He had gathered that they hadn't had the best relationship- but, surrounded by all crying people, shouldn't Larry be crying?
His stomach dropped even further when he realized that there was a lack of people really crying. The only one was Cynthia Murphy, who was sobbing into her hands with Zoe's arm around her. Zoe was crying, but silently and she just looked... she looked sad, but there was an edge to it- an edge that made Evan think of Connor.
Connor ...
It was just- it was all too much. Evan shook his head, a tear running down his face as he mumbled something like "S-Sorry" before stumbling away from the group. He couldn't bare it- he couldn't look at the grave- at Connor Murphy's grave - anymore. He felt sick- here Evan was, crying and... and pretending that this kid- that this dead boy - had been his best friend while Connor's family was here, crying and grieving the death of their family member. Here was Cynthia Murphy- Connor's mother -, who was inconsolable and sobbing and shattered . And Evan was here. Pretending.
He was had been on the outside, but now he had one foot in the door. And, for the first time in his life, Evan understood why he needed to stay on the outside.
This wasn't his place. He shouldn't be here- at Connor Murphy's funeral. He shouldn't ever talk to the Murphy's again.
But he was in too deep to back out now. Evan was stuck.
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He was about to do it- Evan was about to hand over his first fake email to the Murphy's. His stomach ached with guilt and he hated himself so damn much, but after the funeral, Cynthia was constantly asking him if he could bring her an email- any email- and Evan realized just how desperate she was. He'd forced himself to print out the first four emails he and Jared had been working on and handed them to her after school. Her eyes were wide as she looked down at the typed words, inhaling all of it. "There were just some of the emails I found." Evan forced himself to say softly a few moments later. "I mean, I can print out more. I have a lot more...." The lie slipped out of his mouth almost... easily. "Connor and I emailed all the time."
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Did I Even Make A Sound?
Fanfiction'Dear Evan Hansen.' The words were easy enough to type, but Dr. Sherman had told him to say them out loud. It was bad enough he had to write letters to himself for therapy- if he had to say them out loud while he was typing them, it would make him f...
