Did I Even Make A Sound?

Dead.

Evan had 20 minutes to finish up his letter to his therapist and print it out before his mom came to pick him up. His heart was already racing, his mind going in circles of what bullshit he would write out about how his day hadn't been a complete failure, lies about how he had tried to make friends and tried to talk to someone. But- the truth was-, Evan didn't believe that today had been a good day. And if today hadn't been a good day, there was no promise tomorrow wouldn't be identical- and after the shitty summer, there wasn't any promise he'd ever have a good day again.

Evan just wanted a break from all the bad days and all the fear and awkwardness and fear and... He just wanted a break.

He opened up his laptop, double clicking on the folder labeled Letters for Dr. Sherman. It was empty, because he had deleted his earlier draft because there was no way in hell he was showing that to anyone. Evan opened up a new Google document and prepared himself to start writing when his phone rang. His heart sank. Only one person called him- and if she was calling him, then there was a good chance he wasn't getting a ride to his appointment today.

His mom's smiling face looked up at him, the answer or deny buttons underneath it. Slowly, Evan pressed answer and held the phone up to his ear. "Hello?" He said softly, almost hearing his mom's words ahead of time- Sorry honey, but I can't bring you to your appointment. You'll have to find another way there. Sorry again- I'll see you again when I come home from class- but don't be awake or else I'll yell at you. Bye and love you (sort of). 

His mom sounded rushed as she began to speak. "Shit, honey. I know I was supposed to pick you up for your appointment. I'm stuck at work..." Surprise surprise, Evan thought, looking at the blank Google doc, which seemed to become emptier and emptier by the minute. "Erica called in with the flu and I'm the only other nurses aid on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift..."

"It's fine." Evan tried to interject softly, but she kept talking- almost as if she didn't hear him. Well, she didn't hear him- no one ever did. Not even his mom.

She kept trying to explain, but Evan didn't really care anymore. He knew the message well enough- he heard it all the time. "It's just, they announced budget cuts this morning, so anything I can do to show that I'm, you know, a team player..."

"It's fine." Evan did his best to make it sound like he didn't care, but it hurt- it always did hurt. He wanted, just once, to be more important to her than her stupid job, but without her job they'd have nothing and it would be all Evan's fault for being so damn selfish. "I'll take the bus." He added, even though she knew he hated the bus- sitting next to a stranger who would think he was weird and stupid and he'd be pitied by a stranger and Evan didn't want to be pitied by a stranger, but he had to get to his appointment...

"Perfect. That's perfect..." She sounded distracted, as if his words weren't fully registering in her mind- as if she wasn't truly listening, like always. "Oh," She added suddenly and Evan sighed, shutting his eyes because he knew what came next- what always came next. "And I'm going straight from here to class, so I won't be home until late, so please eat something. We've got those Trader Joe's dumplings in the freezer..."

She sounded so hopeful that Evan felt inclined to say, "Maybe." But he knew he wouldn't eat the Trader Joe's dumplings in the freezer because he was too scared to try and heat them up because what would happen if he accidently left it alone too long and burnt them- then he'd have to explain to his mom why he hadn't eaten and she'd think he was stupid for not being able to heat up Trader Joe's dumplings by himself- or what if he somehow burnt the whole house down and they lost everything?! It would all be Evan's fault and his mom would hate him even more than she usually did- and so would the neighbors, because it'd just be an inconvenience to them too.