Nietzsche (L Lawliet)

C.19

When I woke up, I had no idea what time it was, but L was sitting at my back as I curled up more and hugged the pillows.

"Watari drove your mother home. She didn't want to wake you. It's about eleven at night." He said and I just sniffled a little, trying not to let emotions take over me.

"Natalie?" Lawliet asked, his hand gently touching my waist and peering over me. "Love, what's wrong?"

"Do you know what it feels like? To not be wanted?" I asked in a whisper and he paused.

"Yes." I heard him answer.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" I squeezed my eyes shut and turned my face into the pillow. "Gods, I thought I was over this."

"Natalie, what are you talking about?" He asked.

"You're smart. I'm sure you can figure it out." I pushed my hair out of my face and wiped my cheeks and he stared with his thumb on his lip.

"Oh. Your dad... the dad you don't have..." He hummed slowly.

"He never even wanted a kid. But he had me anyway." I shrugged, letting my shoulders drop. "Why would you have a kid if you didn't want them? If you wouldn't love them?" I sniffed again and he gently took my hand.

"My parents didn't want me either." He said softly. My eyes raised to look into his but found him staring down at our joined hands.

"I don't understand it much, either. It is a good question. I'm afraid I'll never know the answer." He sighed and closed his eyes.

I brought him into a hug and closed my eyes as well, both of us relaxing against each other.

"Your mom... she's very understanding." He said and I sniffed again before putting my mouth and nose into his shoulder.

"She's scared of me," I murmured. "She acts like she isn't, but I know she is." I pressed my face into his shoulder, breathing in deep. "I wish she wasn't. I don't want to hurt her, and I wish she knew that I never would."

L was quiet, holding me as I held him.

"I think she sees my dad in me. Big, violent, power-thirsty, just angry. I hate that she sees that when she looks at me." I sighed and gave a little chuckle. "What I wouldn't give to just be her little girl again."

"Natalie..." L sighed, his fingers tracing the skin on my arm. His face turned and he kissed my cheek, pressing in deeply so I felt it, and I closed my eyes.

"I'll help you. No one is forcing you to do this. You can be whoever you want." He said in my ear.

"It's too late. I've revealed myself publicly." I shook my head, still holding Lawliet in my arms.

"I can help you disappear, just as I have. You don't have to be a real person if you don't want." He hummed and I pulled back to look at him, feeling tears dot the corners of my eyes.

"How?" I asked.

"Just promise you'll stay with me, and I'll take care of everything." He lifted my hand, pressed a kiss to my knuckles, looking in my eyes.

I slowly nodded in agreement, not breaking eye contact.