confessions to jake

chapter nine

~4th June~

Dear Jake,

I wish I was beautiful, and I don't mean it in the way some girls do while they fish for compliments and expect some guy to tell them they're beautiful. I actually know I'm not and if someone were to call me pretty I'd most likely laugh at their face because not only do I think I'm ugly I also know for a fact that I am. It's weird because I see myself as one of the people who are able to see beauty in the unusual and strange and sometimes even in the pure ugly but I can't do the same with myself, I look at my reflection in the mirror and see ugly in everything I say and do. Sometimes I even notice how ugly my thoughts are too and I can't help but wonder why? Why am I so damn ugly? Will someone ever be able to look past all the ugly and be the one to make my thoughts prettier? I read a lot of those self therapetic books, or at least enough of them to establish how most of them talk about how you need to be your own hero in order to recover and even though that might be true for some people it definitely isn't for me keeping in mind that I'm also my own worse nightmare. One of my really close friends actually said he'd be my hero when I quite desperately needed one but Jake, let's just say we somehow just stopped talking and even though saying that it bothers me would be a understatement I just can't seem to find the courage and confidence in myself to say anything about it, and maybe thats how things oughta be and maybe sometimes when you see someone walking away from your life all you can do is chin up, grow a pair and just deal with it.