The Happiest Sadness.

Broken Past.

I lean my head up against my frozen window, as I sit on my snow covered roof. Smoke fills my lungs, and then slips between my lips.
I look up at the pitch black sky, and try to shake the thoughts that are keeping me up, out of my head.
My hand shakes as I bring the tobacco up to my mouth once again.
I let it calm me, before it leaves my body.
As I bring it back down, it slips from between my fingers, and I don't bother to pick it back up.
I bite my lip, trying to hold back memories that might slip from my eyes.
I close my eyes and hang my head between my arms. Flash backs cover my eye lids, and I let them play.
I let the bedroom come back into view.
I let the words that left his mouth, fill my ears.
I let the image of me crying in the freezing rain play before me.
I let the memory of the phone call I made, because I couldn't hide it any longer, come out.
I let myself see how I would scrub at my skin for hours, wishing I didn't feel so dirty.
I let the hell that I went through, take me over once again.
My body begins to shake, and my lungs seem to give out.
The pain from those long three years rushes back into my body, and my mind seems to stop working.
The world is spinning around me, only getting faster with every blink.
It's far too cold for me to be outside this late, but at this point, I wouldn't care if I froze.
I wrap my arms around my body, and pull my legs to my chest.
Tears slip onto my knees, and for the millionth time, I tell myself it wasn't my fault.
I tell myself it wasn't my choice.
That I couldn't have stopped him.
I tell myself it's time to move on.
I tell myself it's in the past, and it will only make me stronger.
But on nights like these, it seems like I could scrub my skin until it bled, and it would still be my fault.
I could wash my sheets, and every single piece of clothing I have, and I would still be dirty.
On nights like these, I let myself fall back into the pain.
I let myself feel every ounce of guilt I had.
I carry this around, wishing I could once again, trust without a second thought.
I wish I could cry over something that shouldn't matter.
I wish I could unveil this secret, and let the world see the raw pain I went through.
On nights like these, I fall apart alone, and put myself back together.
My body goes limp, and my tears make tiny holes in the snow.
I take a deep breath, wipe the mascara from under my eyes, and slip back into my room.
I sit on the window seal, trying to pull myself back together.
I pull my jacket off of my arms, and put it back in the closet.
I slip my shoes off, and put them up.
I pull out clean clothes, and walk across the hall.
I run hot water, and step in to take a shower, that will never wash the memories off of my body.
To take a shower, that will never clean the thoughts from my mind.