Pain and Love Comes in Many Forms

Chapter Ten

"Ethan, what are you doing?" Dan hummed.

"Finishing up homework. Where mom?" I asked.

He smiled, shrugging, "she headed out for the night."

I nodded, "than I'm heading over to Jack's."

"Aren't you spending too much time there?"

"He got a new video game! I have to check it out!" I exclaimed, getting up. My older brother simply smiled and sat in front of me.

Close.

Too close.

"Why don't you spend time with your older brother? I'm about to leave for college after all."

"But you have all those weird magazines under your bed." In a second, his face went from a smile to... demonic.

"Why were you in my room?"

I was startled at his sudden gruffness, "my ball rolled in there and I went to get it. It went under your bed and I found the magazines."

"Well," He said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "what did you think? Anything happen looking at it?"

"No. I wondered where their clothes were," I said, confused, "was I supposed to experience something?"

A dry chuckle escaped Dan's lips, his eyes hooded, "I always knew you were a fag. Why else would you stick like a pest to every male you meet?"

"What's a fag?"

"It's what you are," he snapped out bitterly.

There was a gap in my memory, glimpses of the Sorry scene here and there, crying, sobbing, ripped clothes and bruises before-

"It's so cold..." I shivered, sitting on a bench in the rain. Everything hurt, burned, and I felt disgusted. "Why did Dan do that?"

I walked home, seeing the house, door obviously locked, and went next door to Jack's house. I saw my older brother out of the corner of my eye, looking at me from a window. I knocked on the door and looked away.

Jack's mom answered, little Jack right behind her.

"Oh my god! Ethan, you Alright?"

I shook my head and the two pulled me in.

"Can I stay here for tonight?"

I woke up in a cold sweat, shivers sent up my spine. Sure, I ended on the good part, but recalling my brother was watching made me want to vomit.

I got up, feeling queasy, and wanting to lie next to someone.

Jack.

Jack was here.

He would understand.

"Ugh, what am I thinking?"

The thought plagued my mind, and I decided I should at least talk to him. I left my room and headed to the guest room down the hall, slowly opening the door.

Jack was fast asleep, his brows furrowed. I didn't want to wake him, so I instead, just climbed in next to him, hoping he wouldn't mind when he woke up.

To my surprise, he moved his arm to hold me closer, his eyes still closed, humming out, "nightmare."

"Yeah."

"Want to talk about it?"

I shake my head, "I just dreamt of that night my brother -" I shivered.

"Hey," jack whispered, rubbing soothing patterns on my skin, "he's gone, he can't hurt you anymore."

"I know, I just worry."

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, "just go to sleep, I'll be here."

"Back to being a nice caring friend?"

"Rude much? Just get some sleep."

"Alright," I laughed, "Goodnight."

The next hour or two I was fast asleep.

But I woke up with Jack gone.

"Jack?" I spoke softly, suddenly feeling cold. When no response came, I tried louder, "jack?"

Still, there was nothing. I sighed and curled up into a ball in the sheets, trying to stay warm.

I felt like this before, when I left town and slept in a new bed. A bed without memories, a bed where Jack didn't hold me.

"Woah, Ethan, you okay?" I looked up, seeing Jack back, a glass of water in hand. I shook my head in response.

"I had a mild freak out when you weren't here."

He smiled and set the glass down, sitting next to me, "I'll never leave you again."

I sat up and hugged him, clinging tightly, and he understood more went through my mind.

"Ethan, what's wrong?"

I pulled away, looking at Jack, concern in his face, and I made a huge leap of faith, I grabbed his shirt and pulled our faces close, "no matter what I try to do, you keep appearing. Your face, your voice and smile and laugh, I don't know what to do."

"Hey," He soothed, pushing away a bit, "it's probably because we met again and then that game, don't make rash decisions. I would hate if you did something you regret."

I knew that I should give things more time, but I was scared. Afraid of letting him go. I let out a soft sigh, knowing better, but wanting to go against that, "I always wanted to do things with you that I shouldn't, and that's how it still is."

"Ethan-"

"I love you Jack. There's the confession I never got to give. I love you, and have since I was ten years old." I spoke, smiling softly at him.

He sighed, "I love you too. Maybe not as long, but I do love you. Which is why," he got up, "I'm going home."

"Jack-"

"You're not thinking clearly."

"Says who?" I asked, "who gives you the right to tell me what I think? How do you know? Every time I'm scared, I'm sad, angry, even after you hurt me, my first thought to save myself was to think of you."

"Ethan, please, you deserve better than an idiot like me."

"Why are you giving up so easily? Earlier you were saying you'd win me back. Now you're backing out?"

"I hurt you. I can't forgive myself for that. You deserve someone who's not a dick and who let jealousy and anger consume him. You need someone who can be by your side, not scared of what people think."

"You think I'm not terrified? I've always been afraid of what people thought of me. I pretended to be straight for so long and now, I'm still terrified. Stop acting like you're alone in this."

Jack shook his head, "I'm sorry. I really should go. This is best for both of us."

He left the room and I sat there, "but didn't you say you'd never leave me again?"

I got out of bed, and tried to catch up to him, but I was too late. By the time I reached the front door, he was gone. I sunk against the wall, and let myself cry all over again.

Why was I so tortured over this?

Why can't I be god damn happy?

I

I just

I just want to be happy.

Why can't I be happy?

Damn it.